Kongye Weiss

Before There Was Gossip Girl...

2008-04-14T02:53:00.004-04:00

There was Footballers' Wives. They're obviously not at all similar to each other, mostly because Footballers' Wives is so hardcore awesome. Don't take my word for it, check out this clip:

For something a with a bit more context; but with spoilers of the entire third season of this series, check out this clip

If the above clip does not work, here's the link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WXV2u6pXA_g

TOKEN!!!!!

2008-04-10T00:14:00.005-04:00

When it comes back in less than 2 weeks, Gossip Girl will officially be without one of its most important characters. That's right, Token A has left the show. In my very first review of the show, I picked Token A and Token B (A for Asian, B for black) as the ones to watch. They have more than lived up to my expectations. Each week they have proudly stood next to (yet 2 steps behind) all the big characters during all the most important scenes. Let us relive Token A's greatest moments on the show.

Here's Kongye's original review of Gossip Girl. Michael K. totally stole my idea!
LINK

Countdown to Gossip Girl (Reprise):
Countdown To Gossip Girl

Come On GG, Just Let Nate and Cumface be Together Already

2008-03-24T12:46:00.002-04:00

I came across this fantastic post this morning and I just had to share.

http://www.towleroad.com/2008/03/gossip-girl-abo.html

To be honest, I could pretty much see any combination of 2 Gossip Girl guys finally getting together. The homoerotic tension on that show is insane.

On a somewhat related note, there's been a certain theme to Kongye's posts lately. Perhaps it's the new job, the fact that several of Kongye's dancer friends are back from tour, or maybe just pure coincidence. To clarify: The Blog does not condone negative stereotypes of any kind. The Blog is a safe space of love and understanding...unless you're Diablo Cody, a consestant on a VH1 reality dating show, a born-again Christian, fat, ugly, or Alexander B. If you fit into any of those categories I suggest you stop reading this fucking blog. Then again, I can't imagine why any of those people would be here to begin with.

Easter Greetings From Kongye and Phallic

2008-03-22T16:46:00.003-04:00

In the tradition of previous holiday-themed posts, the Blog brings you this gem to celebrate Easter:

KONGYE: Happy Easter
Phallic: oh dear praise Jesus
KONGYE: he was pretty hot
KONGYE: great abs
KONGYE: we should praise good abs
Phallic: is this white Jesus or black Jesus
KONGYE: both
KONGYE: it's not like Black Jesus is ever depicted looking like Biggie
Phallic: that would own
KONGYE: you think they crucified fat people?
KONGYE: it seems impractical
Phallic: I don't think they ever needed to crucify fat people
KONGYE: were fat people really well behaved in the day?
Phallic: they only crucified poor starving people
Phallic: I’m guessing you had to be rich to be fat in the Roman Empire
KONGYE: I bet the fat people were totally stealing food all over the place
KONGYE: you know how fat people are
KONGYE: they'll do anything for a Twinkie
KONGYE: and I bet ancient roman Twinkies were da bomb
Phallic: shit yeah
Phallic: unleavened bread and grape paste or some ish
KONGYE: that sounds tasty
KONGYE: those fat fuckers stole piles of them
KONGYE: we need to get into the bible Twinkie business
KONGYE: we'd make a ton of money at Jesus conventions
Phallic: we should sell bible Twinkies at screenings of expelled
KONGYE: expelled?
Phallic: oh man, let me link you up
Phallic: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expelled:_No_Intelligence_A llowed
KONGYE: they're not gonna show that shit in NYC
KONGYE: and if they did, the entire audience would be hipsters going ironically
KONGYE: they're not Bible Twinkies' target audience
Phallic: they'll show it at the Charles Barkley Theater in Harlem
Phallic: we should get drunk and go there

Oh Dear God, WHY?!

2008-03-21T13:31:00.003-04:00

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0850677/

P.S.: Diane is being played by Ellen Page. This is already my least favourite movie of 2010.

On a somewhat related note, if you replace "Jack" with "Alex" and "werewolf-like visions" with "crippling neuroses," I think that pretty much summarizes a chapter in the life of Kongye's and Phallic's friend.

What Kongye Does at Work

2008-03-20T14:39:00.006-04:00

Kongye's work day is so boring, it makes her long for the good ol' days at the last job. Right about now would be the time one of her charming coworkers would casually ask her how to convince his girlfriend how to have a threesome with a dwarf and film it (actual conversation). Those were the days. Never a dull moment in the world of sports broadcasting.

Why can't one of these cast members get horrifically injured, arrested, or otherwise fucked up? I need the excitement and the current epidemic of uninteresting calamities is not going to cut it.

If you can relate, here are some Youtube gems sure to brighten up your day:

For Alex

And a blog favourite for some time now: http://youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8

British Teens are So Much More Adorably Fucked Up Than American Ones

2008-02-28T11:07:00.005-05:00

The next in the wave of obsession-worthy shows to return to the (foreign) airwaves this month is Skins- the spectacular British teen melodrama about a bunch of teens that do normal kid stuff. You know take drugs, have parties, sleep with their teachers, get forced to have sex with their sisters so that the thugs holding their sisters hostage will let them get medical treatment for an overdose of heroin that the thugs gave her. It's all very normal. This week, the kids stage a musical at their school. Also, a nerdy girl has a crush on a classmate. Having this back makes me not care at all when Gossip Girl is returning. For the record, still 4603070 seconds as of this posting.

Unfortunately this isn't broadcast in the U.S. Considering the majority of the cast was under 18 at the time of filming season 1, I don't think it has much of a chance of coming over. The only networks who would be able to show it probably wouldn't be interested. With that in mind, here's an entire episode, in 4 parts.

O M G Did Y'all See The Moment of Truth This Week?!?

2008-02-26T22:46:00.002-05:00

If you did, you're a moron with poor taste in entertainment. Now shut the fuck up about how crazy it was.

So You Think You Can Dance is Back

2008-02-23T14:47:00.003-05:00

Australia now has its own version of SYTYCD. Naturall, Kongye has been watching religiously. SYTYCDAustralia has raised the stakes. They weren't satisfied with just some gay princes, they brought in the gay pirate king:

Thanks to BloggingSYTYCD, Kongye dug up this guy's last appearance on TV:

Gossip Girl is Almost Here!

2008-02-16T01:45:00.003-05:00

Countdown To Gossip Girl

So Heath Ledger died

2008-01-22T17:59:00.000-05:00

Apparently this news has caused half the entertainment websites in existence to crash from server overloads. I can't wait until Britney or Wino dies and then the entire global telecommunications network abruptly collapses, propelling us all back into the stone age.

The Academy drinks the grape Kool-Aid

2008-01-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

A heartbreaking tale of teen obesity

So the Academy Awards have been announced, and somehow Juno managed to get nominated for best picture, screenplay, director and actress. Perhaps the one condolence we can get out of this is that Michael Cera wasn't nominated for playing George Michael Bluth AGAIN. I'm hoping that come awards night, Diablo Cody will get a head injury and - in a twist right out of the Lindsey Lohan classic I Know Who Killed Me - revert to her stripper past and end up shaking her ass onstage while Jack Nicholson shoves dollar bills into her G-String. That would at least provide some small degree of entertainment, as opposed to the braindead script she wrote.

Still, the fact that anybody could be dumb enough to nominate this disgusting hipster wankstain of a movie for anything other than a Razzie is disappointing enough. At least this has motivated me to finally put together a comprehensive list of my thoughts on why Juno is unquestionably the worst movie of 2007. Yes, worse than Norbit. At least Norbit openly acknowledged that it was made for prepubescents and retards. Be on the lookout for it in the next few days.

Rewarding shiteousness

2008-01-17T02:14:00.000-05:00

Behold the Devil

With this week's Project Runway, Ricky and Sweet P have been officially confirmed as the new Vincent and Angela. For those of you who didn't watch the third season, the meaning is quite simple: These two are functionally retarded drama queens who make god-awful clothing yet somehow miraculously manage to avoid elimination while far more talented designers are sent home due to the blatant mental retardation of the judging panel.

I'm calling it now: At least one of these talentless motherfuckers will somehow make it to the final four and rape Bryant Park with their shiteous fabric abortions. Because you know at this point Michael Kors and Nina Garcia are just punishing every member of their audience with any taste at all until it comes down to Rami, Christian, and two boring and/or retarded designers.

TV's Power Couple Break Up!

2008-01-09T00:11:00.000-05:00

O M G. This week on Gossip Girl the unimaginable happened:

I really thought they would last. They're made for each other! The all-consuming lust between them in that scene was undeniable. It's ok, I'm sure they'll reconcile after the WGA hiatus and live happily ever after.

As for GG spoilers this week, you're out of shit out of luck from me. This episode was just too juicy and I need to make sure you are all paying attention tomorrow night. The only reason I put that clip up is because it was in last week's previews anyway.

God I love this show. One bit of advice, though. Try to watch this tape delayed on your TiVo so you can fast forward through every scene Serena is in- perhaps with the exception of her conversation with Chuck. Blake Lively is so insufferable. They need to Marissa Cooper her ass pronto. Rufus's scenes are also grating; but Rufe is just too cool to put down. He's a hot piece of tail and every brunette in NY knows it.

It's hypnotic

2008-01-07T17:21:00.000-05:00

So it's been almost 24 hours since the I Love New York 2 Reunion special aired, and I cannot get over how fucking captivating this image is:

Superwise - You'll believe a wigger can fly

I could watch this shit all day. For those who didn't watch this hot mess, this is uber-wigger Mr. Wise SAILING across the studio and attempting to tackle Tailor Made out of the sofa in retaliation for Tailor Made spitting in his face during Episode 4. The best part is how Wise repeatedly told TM "I saved ya life" before this incident by being man enough not to kill Tailor Made in the house like he would have on the street. Apparently, "the street" has expanded to include a VH1 studio. I'm torn between which incident I loved more: this, or when Becky Buckwild nearly took New York's face off with a thrown shoe in the Flavor of Love 2 Reunion.

Seriously, this episode was amazing. It's telling when the show starts out with a mentally ill man dragging a bag full of bricks on stage, start karate chopping them, and then give New York a jewelry box full of cold French fries and somehow it only manages to get crazier from there.

Anyway, I wish Tailor Made and New York all the best and hope that Tailor won't be too disappointed when he finds out that it's still not legal for two dudes to get married in this state.

Oh God

2008-01-07T02:21:00.000-05:00

Horrific clip you all need to see, with a promo for The Soup built in:

Here's what I think of Joel McHale: LINK

Kenny vs A Goat

2008-01-06T19:51:00.000-05:00

Kongye recently rediscovered Kenny vs. Spenny. The basic premise is that Kenny and Spencer are best friends that compete in a series of ridiculous competitions for our amusement. For more info, check out the Wikipedia entry (how did humans survive before wikipedia? I can't imagine my life without it). The latest episode was "Who can stay tied to a goat the longest?" Here's how Kenny won:

Here's this week's humiliation. It's not my kind of humour, but it's worth a look because it definitely crosses a line:

Lily Allen Figures Out She's Pregnant on National TV

2008-01-05T04:01:00.000-05:00

Here's Lily Allen on "The Big Fat Quiz of the Year." This aired on December 30. I'm not sure when it was taped; but I'm going to say it was probably before December 18. In addition to being the first piece of evidence Allen's future spawn will present to his/her therapist in 2026, this clip also exposes the rather interesting relationship Lily has with her father, the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Here's more from the program featuring Noel Fielding and Russell Brand, the greatest double bill since....EVER! (Ok, I exaggerate; but I do love them both)

Exploring YouTube is toxic

2007-12-28T00:11:00.000-05:00

So I was on YouTube looking to see if there were other Rhydian videos to replace the ones I had embedded in my first Rhydian post, which were taken down for copyright infringement when I accidentally came across this backstage footage of the Rhydmonster. For the bit that made me explode in laughter, fast forward to about 1:50 in:

Until that unique display, I was really feeling bad for Rhydian. What context would people have to call him Hitler? I don't remember him talking about a master race the first week. I must've missed that bit

We Just Love Wino

2007-12-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

Following up on our earlier post, here's a little more Wino content from Never Mind the Buzzcocks. This time around, new host Simon Amstell presents his personal theory about what happened to Amy:

I guess enabling (and allegedly fucking) young celebs runs in the family. Who am I kidding, I would so hit that. Even if he turned me into a half-naked, stumbling crackhead, which is clearly what he likes to do to young Jewish girls. Ronson hates the Jews. Bitch is like Ryan Gosling in The Believer.

Robin Hood

2007-12-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

Soon-to-be-Grandpa Keith Allen steals yet another scene in the BBC's Robin Hood. This was the best thing in all of Season 2 so far. I told you guys this show was bad.

What does this remind me of........

Vintage Wino

2007-12-26T17:32:00.000-05:00

BBC Three named Amy Winehouse as their most annoying person of 2007. In recognition of that honour, Kongye has decided to devote a post in loving tribute.

What most Americans may not know is that Wino used to be more famous for her singing than for all that other, much more interesting stuff. Here is some video, circa 2004:

In this video we can see she used to be normal- but she also used to be fat. So maybe it's a tossup between which is better. At least now she can walk around in a bra and skinny jeans without some muffin top.

Even more amazing, here's some more footage of Wino from that show. In this clip she's not only lucid, she can actually remember the lyrics to her own song!

Merry Christmas to Kongye

2007-12-25T15:45:00.000-05:00

Despite being an uber-Jew (Chinese takeout on Christmas and all), Kongye did get some special Christmas gifts this year. Here's what the Blog's namesake, Sir Kanye West, got us:

http://www.mollygood.com/kanye-west/kkkanye-west-aryan-nations-favorite-rapper-20071221/

And just 'cuz we feel like it, here's another golden nugget:

Merry Christmas to Readers ( and to Phallic)

2007-12-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

Just in time for Christmas, we bring you a treat from the creative team behind Garth Marenghi's Darkplace:

Charlie Wilson's War- Why?

2007-12-01T23:51:00.000-05:00

Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts demonstrate how stomach-turning AARP sex can be

Kongye had a chance to attend an early screening of this hot mess on Wednesday night. Perhaps a full review will come later. For now, some thoughts:

This movie was apparently written by Aaron Sorkin. This was a fact I knew; but was not specifically aware at the screening. Within 10 minutes, that information shoved its way straight to the front of my mind and all I could think was "this is SO Sorkin." If you are a steadfastly loyal Sorkin fan salivating at every line written to be delivered at the speed of a Swedish bullet train and saturated in too-clever-for-their-own-good quips, you will probably get a kick out of this movie. If you haven't had a lobotomy, the writing will drive you absolutely insane.

I don't understand the thought process behind casting Julia Roberts as a sultry seductress and Southern socialite (sorry for the unintentional alliteration, I feel positively Sorkinesque now). Obviously she is bloody awful. The only way to describe her character, as Roberts portrays her, is that she is playing Melanie Griffith's older, more grotesque sister from Viva Laughlin. She is just that bad.

As expected, Philip Seymour Hoffman turns in an absolutely brilliant performance- too bad he seems to be in a completely different movie; one I'd actually want to see. He steals every scene and is the only funny or captivating component of this generic Oscar-bait star vehicle.

The Sweet Sound of Sarcasm

2007-11-30T08:45:00.000-05:00

Of the many TV obsessions Kongye has, none are closer to her heart than Pat Kiernan of NY1 news. Each morning Pat reads to the population of NYC as if we were a group of learning-disabled preschoolers.
His daily segment is perfect for those of us who enjoy reading the paper; but find it too daunting. Thank you Pat, you are an American hero.

Discover the joys of Pat for yourself:
http://www.ny1.com/ny1/OnTheAir/in_the_papers.jsp

This one goes out to Kongye

2007-11-25T13:25:00.000-05:00

Kongye's New Love

2007-11-25T05:04:00.000-05:00

We love Rhydian. After watching these clips, we're pretty sure you will, too. We are please to bring you Rhydian's journey into the hearts and souls of the British public.

He starts off a little slow by Rhydian standards, singing Meatloaf with only a sequin jacket. If anything, the audience members trying to stone him to death using roses and Sharon "I'm Off My Meds" Osbourne upstage him in the crazy department.

That wasn't understated, you say? Once you watch Rhydian in Week 2, you may be singing a different tune. Meanwhile, Rhydian's tune: about the same:

Yes, it's every little boy's dream to sing Phantom of the Opera and meet Celine Dion. Somewhere in Wales, Rhydian's father is drinking himself into oblivion and clutching his old rugby medals.

Just when we thought Rhydian couldn't reach a higher summit, he did this:

Never Mind the Buzzcocks

2007-11-25T04:42:00.000-05:00

One major reason for the recent slowdown in blog production has been my addiction to British comedy. More on that later. For now enjoy this gem from my favourite music/comedy/panel discussion/quiz shows: Never Mind the Buzzcocks (I don't know any other music/comedy/ panel discussion/quiz shows; but I'm sure if they existed they wouldn't be as good as Buzzcocks). In this clip host Simon Amstell may have hit a nerve with the legal department.

I love how it takes a good 5 seconds for the full meaning of that to hit Noel Fielding and you can just see his expression change. In addition to Fielding, the guests included Arrested Development's David Cross and Jermaine Jackson. Every time Simon spoke to Jackson, he asked a somewhat offensive question about the family, his plastic surgery, or his religion. So basically it was a typical visit to the Buzzcocks set.

Now, with no transition at all, enjoy this Mighty Boosh clip:

The Game- Abridged Edition

2007-11-18T23:54:00.000-05:00

Below is the latest episode of The Game, in an easier-to-digest 3 minute format. Clearly the other 19 minutes are completely unnecessary. Enjoy.

(The in the last clip is the cartoonist, I know you were all agonizing not knowing)

Now I'm sure they're going for social commentary with this; but I just find it confusing and surreal.

"White people read it, too"

"Ooh, this is serious"

Yes, yes it is.

Question: Why does everybody on this show speak normally and this guy respond in Ebonics every time? You'd think if he lives in a world where no one else talks that way he'd eventually catch on and realize he can drop the act.

Gossip Girl vs. Game Geek: Who will win?

2007-11-15T01:43:00.000-05:00

So Kongye didn't specifically mention this, but as stated in the second clip they uploaded, Serena and Vanessa compete with each other while playing Guitar Hero II on an Xbox 360. Serena apparently racks up an unbelievably high score on Freebird. Vanessa responds that Freebird is nothing and she's about to blow Serena away with her performance on Cherry Pie.

There's just one problem with this statement: On a difficulty scale of 1 to 8, with 8 being the hardest, Cherry Pie ranks as a 2 in Guitar Hero II. By contrast, Freebird is the hardest fucking song in the entire game.

Considering that pretty much anybody who's ever played Guitar Hero II would know this and that's pretty much the majority of their demographic right there, I honestly wonder who they thought they were fooling with that scene.

You Know What's Coming

2007-11-14T13:18:00.000-05:00

It's Wednesday. Time for our weekly Gossip Girl preview. Only 8 hours until it airs, so no spoilers from Kongye. You guys can wait. As for observations...

Blair is officially the star of this show. She has left a bloody trail of acting careers on her way to the top. This week she completely overtook Chuck as the main attraction. In fact, Cumface has gone positively soft since entering the promised land last week. It is now clear why Nate is such a lifeless bore- obviously Blair's pussy is secreting some sort of nerve agent slowly killing her suitors, starting with their personalities. The toxin is most potent in oral dosage- a means of delivery Nate likely got all too familiar with all those long, frustrating nights with B.
As much as I want Cumface to escape with his absence of shame intact, the prospect of Lord and Lady Cumface joining forces for evil permanently is too good to pass up. We got one step closer at the end of tonight's episode; but the Unholy Union is shaping up to be unbearably prophetic for our rapist in shining armour. Dare I say he's showing a glimmer of a soul of late? This is not the character arc I'm watching Gossip Girl for. Here's one of the night's best scenes- it also happens to be the first:

Edited out of that: a scene featuring Serena, Dan, and Vanessa interacting. The main subplot of tonight's episode is that Vanessa wants to get to know Serena so that they can all hang out together more often without awkwardness. I wouldn't so much call that a subplot as an overt threat to my sanity. As horrifying as you would think these three interacting would be, the reality is so much worse. It just builds all episode into a climax that made me thankful I didn't have a weapon handy to destroy the screen that was unfortunate enough to bring me these images. Why haven't these producers dealt with Blake Lively yet? Her acting is straight out of a junior high drama class. There is no way that many "umm"s are written into the script and what kind of director allows a take with 5 in a 30 second period to be used? Here is the offending scene between Vannesa and Serena. While free of Blake's trademark disfluency, her annoying speech pattern is all too apparent. As is her inability to recognize intonation and correct emphasis, as well as complete discomfort with having arms. She just can't figure out what to do with those suckers.
WARNING: The following scene may be inappropriate for small children and all sentient beings. Watch at your own risk...

BEST ANDRE CLIP EVER

2007-11-09T04:30:00.000-05:00

This week on America's Most Smartest Model, we were treated to a little more of Andre's deep philosophy:

Just to clarify, there was NO CONTEXT for this to be taken out of.

More Preview

2007-11-07T07:59:00.000-05:00

We were beginning to worry about our man Cumface. He didn't even appear in one episode, then last week he completely bewildered us. We're not just talking about the fact that he fell for that ridiculous ruse. We never claimed that Chuck Bass was a genius, or even thinking with his brain. We were shocked because Cumface almost engaged in decidedly unCumtastic behaviour: he tried to have consensual sex with a girl his own age without first getting her too drunk to know better, coercing her by threatening her job, or paying her. It was definitely an all-time low for Chucky. This week he and his writers completely redeemed themselves. First, we got more Cumface than ever. Then not only does he deliver the most satisfying sexual conquest I could have possibly imagined in the closing frames of this installment, but he gets his dad to buy him a harem just before that. In fact, even before it looks like he's in the market to buy, he test-driving all the cars on the lot. Welcome back, old friend. We have missed you so.

If you don't want to be half-spoiled (although if you didn't figure out this was coming from the trailer last week or from the first 2 minutes of tonight's episode, you've got some problems), don't watch this video. If you just can't wait to see one of our girls strip, just hit play.

I've gotta say, her dancing is about as technically proficient and sexy as Britney at the VMAs. The fact that she's not a fat slob and the favourable editing help this lethargic non-dance out quite a bit. Mostly it's enjoyable because you so know what's coming next and you just can't wait.

We're Back!

2007-11-07T07:29:00.001-05:00

"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."

By we I mean the blog and Gossip Girl. It is currently 7:30am at Blog Central and Kongye has been up all night catching up on Nip/Tuck and getting her advanced peak at GG. Since she really ought to be in bed, Kongye will deliver the 30 second summary of last night.

It's the start of November sweeps in the Gossip Girl world and with teen soaps that could mean only one thing: it's time for everyone to get it on (rather predictably). More specifics in hidden mode.

Dan and Serena spend all episode obsessing over whether or not they're going to fuck. Dan's worried about it and Serena keeps mounting him like he's the top stallion at the equestrian club. So of course at the end she suddenly decides she can't have sex with him because "no one has ever looked at her like [he] did," then they gently cuddle. How vomit-inducing.

Nathan and Blair continue to not screw. In fact, they break up. More on that later.

I'm pretty sure everyone is fucking Jenny- just off screen. She walks around looking like ~~one of her sugar daddies~~ Vanessa left the butt plug in all episode. Maybe it's because we "discover" her mom is doing her neighbour and her parents are getting a divorce. Didn't we find this out about 4 episodes ago? Jenny must be real dim to only figure this one out now. Jenny needs to get back to plotting to make a Blair skin suit to wear to the Winter Formal so I can like her again.

Speaking of Lady Cumface.....
It's finally happened. The TV gods have answered my prayers. Ever since I anointed Ms. Blair Waldorf Lady Cumface, I have dreamed of the royal coupling of the Lord and Lady du Cum. I imagined their Cumtastic spawn inheriting the Earth and plunging us into a period of unprecedented prosperity and douchebaggery. Tonight's mating- most reminiscent of the Species movies- was not as Earth-shattering as I had hoped. The producers were somewhat vague as to how far the union had actually gone. However, kudos to the writing staff for setting the scene in the back of the Chuckmaster's limo, giving Blair a literal pearl necklace to go with the figurative one she'd get a few minutes later, and making sure that she sort of became one of Chuck's employees before they got it on.

In summary, this was some great TV. Unlike some of their fellow strikers (I'm looking at you writing staffs of the entire CBS Primetime lineup), the GG writers have my endorsement to stay out there as long as they need to- as long as they come back in time to write more Cumface love before the show runs out of existing scripts. More coverage of this episode when I wake up later today. As if my attempt at writing 30 second summary turning into a 10 minute summary didn't tip you off, this show was chock full of goodness this week and it'll generate quite a bit of content.

P.S.: Phallic, you were wrong on the cherry girl in the trailer for this episode. It wasn't her.

WARNING- HUGE SPOILER BELOW

Those Crazy Finns

2007-11-04T20:52:00.000-05:00

Damn, Kongye just missed this year's North American Championships. Looks like she and her boyfriend will have to train for next year's so they can prove once and for all that the Finnish are the inferior Scandinavians.

Phallic's Bad Porn reviews - Kim Kardashian Superstar

2007-11-01T02:50:00.000-04:00

"Celebrity" and "star" used in the loosest sense possible.

Ah, I remember clearly my initial reaction when it was announced that Kim Kardashian's sex tape with Ray J had leaked. I believe it was "Who the fuck are Kim Kardashian and Ray J?"

Apparently, the answer is simple: Nobody, and there is absolutely no reason to care. From what I gather they're both celebrity parasites whose existences were only acknowledged because they associated themselves with other more famous people. So anyway, I downloaded a rip of the DVD that Vivid video paid someone $1 million for. Damn, those idiots got ripped off, because this shit sucks. The following is a review of the roughly 2 minutes of this DVD I actually watched while skipping through the rip in Windows Media Player:

This is some aesthetically offensive porn, let's make that clear. Like virtually all celebrity sex tapes, it's poorly lit, poorly shot, and profoundly unerotic. I mean seriously, presumably you're taping this to masturbate to later, so you could at least set up the camera at an angle where there was something worth jerking off to. Further adding to the shittiness of this, as far as I can tell, Kardashian never removes her bra. That's right, this is a porno with no tits in it. No breasts and ineptly framed penetration; surefire keys to an erotic masterpiece.

So aside from the general shit-tastic nature of the footage, there's the horrible editing job Vivid pulled with this. Apparently they decided that what the frankly boring sex footage needed to spice it up was random paparazzi footage of Kardashian entering awards ceremonies and such. So even if you can start to get into this despite how bad it is, every few minutes you're going to be interrupted by non-pornographic footage inserted solely to pad the running time. Speaking of padding the running time, there's at least one scene where they repeat an entire sex clip with the picture reversed so you get to watch the same footage you just finished in a mirror image. God this sucks.

Anyway, I leave you with the following totally heterosexual quote from T-Pain regarding the tape:“There aren’t too many men that can go after Ray-J. The man’s got a huge meat okay. He’s short the man is packing know what I’m saying. He’s got length on him, he’s got length…I got the width, shit is wide. It’s just, he got a foot on him, he may have a foot on him. Much respect Ray. Man to man no homo. I know when respect is due…man is swanging. Ya’ll seen that shit, ya’ll know the man is swanging.”

Hopefully this will be engraved on Ray J's tombstone, as this is certainly the only memorable thing he will ever accomplish in his life.

The Return of the Video All-Stars

2007-10-29T11:00:00.000-04:00

I can't take credit for finding this one. It was on The Soup this past weekend and I just thought it was too amazing not to share. From CBS's Kid Nation, I bring you the first step in this kid's descent into stalking and alcoholism:

I had the pleasure of watching last Thursday's episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia a few months ago, before the season started, and it immediately confirmed that Season 3 was going to be amazing. This is still probably my favourite clip of the whole season.

Pepperjack love Fraggle Rock

Taken from a previous Russell Brand post, this is by far the best part of his first show, and he had nothing to do with it, other than bringing it out of the BBC archives.

I'm pretty sure this PSA was made by the same guy who did Death Bed: The Bed that Eats The voiceover is uncannily similar in both the voice and the tone. Death Bed is my favourite movie... about a bed that eats people. I challenge you to name a better movie about a carnivorous bed. Here's a clip of that classic. I'll see if I can edit some of the voiceover later.

Death Bed loves fried chicken

There's No Such Thing as Too Much Andre

2007-10-29T02:09:00.000-04:00

The final set of Andre clips from Episode 2 of America's Most Smartest Model

In case you forgot where Andre is from in the 5 minutes since he last mentioned it.

Dedicated to Niki, Kongye's #1 girl (Once I post the latest batch of all-star videos that will make even more sense)

When Phallic met Erin

2007-10-29T01:59:00.000-04:00

Yeah, the access code TO MY PANTS

I don't particularly know why Kongye believes that I would be the best person to recount the events of last night, because my experience was not really all that remarkable. I got incredibly drunk and struck out with a woman dressed as a cartoon character. Basically, it's the same thing for me as any other weekend, except with cheap pink wigs.

As Kongye detailed, we started the night at our table at our bar with service from some of our favorite waitresses. After drinking our fill of quality beers on my part and some pink concoction called a "9 1/2 Weeks" on Kongye's, we headed out for a liquor store to look for official blog drink Jekyll & Hyde while indulging in another one of our favorite pastimes: calling up our college friends and drunkenly berating them.

So halfway through one of Kongye's old standbys about how you're a loser and she hates your girlfriend, we are interrupted by a familiar song. That's right, the Geico caveman was wandering the streets of Manhattan with a boombox blasting his "theme song" and Erin Esurance in tow. Erin grabs us and tells us we're the coolest people ever or something and insists we accompany her to a party.

So we get to some apartment party. Now, I've been trying to find a classy way to say I got incredibly fucking hammered, but I'm at a loss. So basically, I got incredibly fucking hammered. I got into the party and immediately ripped open my index finger opening a bottle of Blue Moon with a metal spoon. It gets hazy after that.

In an effort to stop the bleeding on my hand, I grabbed a bandanna and wrapped it around my finger. (I later ended up wearing it around my head, and eventually walked out of the party with it.) Then they ran out of beer, I started hitting the mixers hard, and it all becomes a vodka and Hawaiian Punch flavored blur.* However, by reviewing the numerous cuts and bruises on my body, I can only theorize that this was the Vietnam war of parties: A long and bloody battle of attrition against not only my fellow partygoers but also my impending liver failure.

My war against my fellow partygoers became more apparent after Kongye got herself locked out of the party and wandered off to wherever she went and some douchebag decided it was his sacred duty to keep me from ever talking to Erin Esurance for the rest of the night. So after about 5 minutes of some dipshit in a Bruce Springsteen costume making veiled physical threats every time I got near a certain pink-haired vixen, I decided to register my displeasure by spitting a mouthful of lukewarm vodka and fruit punch into a beer cooler and staggering out of the party. Judging by my knee, I then punctuated that sentence by falling down a flight of stairs at some point.

Call me

All in all, a classy end to a classy night, and as a bonus due to my references to both 9 1/2 Weeks and Erin Esurance, we'll hopefully attract people running google searches for Mickey Rourke/Esurance porn.

*Coincidentally, "a vodka and Hawaiian Punch flavored blur" also describes the substance that came out of my mouth the next morning.

Free Andre!

2007-10-29T00:35:00.000-04:00

We are extremely worried for Andre. Given his previous criminal record, he could get some serious jail time for his latest arrest. We're pulling for you buddy!
Andre could always use his foolproof excuse for everything:

Andre even gets other people to buy into it:

Reality News- Andre from AMSM

2007-10-29T00:11:00.000-04:00

We love Andre Birleanu from America's Most Smartests Model. So You can imagine how sad we were to read this: http://www.nypost.com/seven/10262007/news/regionalnews/smartest_model_groped_me__gal.htm

Yes, our favourite Soviet midget boxer has been arrested for groping and assaulting a woman. This is shocking! I didn't see that coming at all.....

A Little More GG Action

2007-10-28T23:28:00.000-04:00

While searching for a link to TMZ's story on Andre, Kongye came upon this video of Nate and Cumface leaving Hotel Gansevoort after a hot, sweaty ~~sex~~ yoga session.
The cameraman asks Ed if he has any “gossip about Gossip Girl.” I’m not sure if I admire him for ignoring the stupid pun and being casual or if I resent him for not smacking that guy upside the head and telling him how fucking stupid his question was.
I think I’ve buried the lead, which is that despite the plot point previously mentioned, Ed Westwick is still in NYC. There’s no guarantee that he’s still on-set regularly; but it does give us hope for THE PLAN.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid285859616/bclid294430730/bctid1270735494

They Better Beef Up Security Now

2007-10-28T15:44:00.000-04:00

So Kongye and Phallic were out last night (I throw down a challenge to Phallic this time to blog about those adventures) and while sitting at Our Table at Our Bar, Kongye filled Phallic in on her plans for the future of The Blog.
As loyal readers surely know, we are obsessed with Gossip Girl. New Jersey may run out of Riesling by the end of GG's first season at the rate Phallic is putting it down during each episode. Even more powerful than our love for the show is the love we feel towards Lord Cumface. Recent developments have brought us to the realization that Cummy has a real-life counterpart. This realization has led to THE PLAN. Sometime between now and the time Phallic and Kongye go back to their real jobs, we will infiltrate the GG set. THE PLAN has two components. We will return with some mementos and special surprises for our readers. More importantly, we will direct Ed Westwick to the blog, where he can read all the wonderful things we've said about him over the last 2 months. Should he not choose to take out a restraining order at that time or send large trannie hookers to kill us, we hope to get a love note about our coverage.

P.S.: If any of our readers have some connections that could get us onto the set in a more official capacity, get in touch with us. There could be something in it for you.
P.P.S.: We hear Cumface will be departing in a future episode. We have no follow-up information pertaining to the length of his absence. We hope he returns quickly, as we will be starting a vigil as soon as he boards his plane/ helicopter/ sailboat/ giant turtle.

Blogging Booze

2007-10-26T05:23:00.000-04:00

Jekyll & Hyde Liquor is the greatest contribution to society since electricity.

Ok, maybe that's overstating it just a tiny bit; but this stuff is good. Perhaps I'm just saying that because the J&H reps gave us a boatload of free stuff (and free shots) last Thursday. That's unlikely because I liked this drink more the day after I sampled it than I did as I was getting the free stuff. Phallic was correct, I did wake up on Friday morning craving J&H. It wasn't even that hangover craving I sometimes get for any kind of booze to help me come down from the night before. Come to think of it, I don't know what's in the Jekyll part; but it seems to neutralize the toxic effects of the Jager-like Hyde. Given the combination of food and alcohol we had that night, it's practically a miracle I didn't throw up or wake up with a wicked hangover. Thank you Jekyll.
How much do I love Jekyll & Hyde? The only way to answer that question is in haiku form:

Jekyll and Hyde shots
Go down so very smoothly

How I love them so

The Bachelor Is All Class

2007-10-26T03:32:00.000-04:00

This clip needs no commentary.

Just to reiterate: This is The Bachelor, not Flavor of Love

Russell Brand's Ponderland

2007-10-26T00:38:00.000-04:00

You know you want it

So Russell Brand has a new nightly show on Britain's Channel 4. Americans may not be familiar with this fine specimen; but women like Kate Moss certainly are. Britain's tabloid darlings just can't get enough of his raw sexuality and virility. How could anyone resist this?

Kongye has to admit she wants a piece of that. Kongye will pretty much do any man over 6 feet tall who looks like he hasn't eaten in weeks. That's how she likes them. In addition to screwing half the anorexic women in England, Brand wa also named Standup of the Year by Time Out London in 2005. His latest project is a nightly half hour program that just features 23 minutes of standup on a different subject each night. Kongye likes it; but she's blinded by the "sex insect" presenting. Another reason to check out this clip: Brandy is going to try to invade our shores in the next 12 months with at least two movies. He's in the new St. Trinians (which stars Colin Firth, Rupert Everett, and a bunch of young starlets previously known only for walking red carpets and wearing expensive clothing on their orange, skeletal frames- should be good) and
Forgetting Sarah Marshall which promises to be next summer's Knocked Up. Here he is, in one of the more restrained bits from the first episode of his show:

Get Over It, Hag

2007-10-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

So Danielle Fishel was on Tyra Banks with Lance Bass this week. I saw this clip on another blog and my mouth just dropped. This chick is just plain nuts. She tries to cover up her crazy with some laughs and a big smile; but it's not fooling anyone. She's still completely in love with the Bass Master. She tells us about 100 times how in love she and Lance were . Then she brings out her Obsession Box.

She reminded me of a certain someone:

Pushing Daisies Preview

2007-10-24T19:31:00.000-04:00

I don't have enough time before tonight's airing of Pushing Daisies to adequately preview it for you, so I'll just share a little something that you'll be seeing should you watch the show:Here's a little more:

Good episode. The most sentimental of the bunch so far. I fell for it.

More GG food for thought...

2007-10-24T18:39:00.000-04:00

When Kongye mentioned Vanessa's wikipedia description, I remembered something... interesting, shall we say?

Dan Humphrey: "He has had several writing-related jobs, including a poem called "Sluts" published in the The New Yorker; an internship at Red Letter, a prominent literary magazine; and a short stint as songwriter/lead singer for indie-rock sensation The Raves."

Jenny Humphrey: "During her freshman year at Constance Billard, a very exclusive private school in New York City, she ruins her reputation by supposedly sleeping with The Raves (a popular band)."

Dan Humphrey: "He has a very close relationship with his sister, Jenny..." (Emphasis mine.)

You know, it's almost like this is implying something...

Gossip Girl Preview

2007-10-24T16:43:00.000-04:00

Tonight on Gossip Girl the kids have a masquerade ball. Are they running out of theme parties they can have? This one, while grasping desperately at sophistication yet again, is not the worst idea. Let's check in with our favorite caricature:

Wow, that wasn't at all the most obvious choice for him. It's not as if we watch GG for the subtlety, so we'll leave it alone.
One thing we can't help but comment on is the fact that this show tries to pretend that a little mask makes people completely unrecognizable. Ok, not so much all people as Single White Female Jenny. First Cumface has no idea who she is, then later everyone thinks she's Serena. Maybe it's just me, but if I tried to rape a girl, got beat up by her brother, and then taunted him about trying to rape her all the time, I'd probably remember what that girl looked like well enough to recognize her. Watch her here and tell me, who but Cummy could possibly fall for this obvious trap?

I officially love Blair. I dubbed her Lady Cumface after the last episode, and she just keeps stepping it up. She's my TV VIP. Watching them interact is just too delicious.
P.S.: Check out Cumface's outfit. Where does he even find this shit? "Hello humble shopkeep. I require your most expensive and pimptastic wares. Please load them into my carriage. It would be the limousine with the hot tub full of transsexual Jezebels in the back"

Seriously GG producers, a Phantom of the Opera mask? You're making this way to easy for me by adding a musical theater theme.

Tonight Nate will engage in a scavenger hunt where the prize is Blair's virginity. Surprise, surprise, he's not exactly giving it 110%. Lady Cumface is starting to get really pissed about not being able to give it up. It's ok, B, I'm sure several of the older gentlemen on the show would be more than happy to take care of your little problem for you.

The "big news" is that GG finally wrote in one of the major characters from the book series, Vanessa Abrams. This girl doesn't look anything like her Wikipedia entry- I mean her character in the books. She's sort of not bald or goth. Then again, Jenny isn't short with DD breasts (much to the chagrin of Phallic), and Chuck doesn't have a monkey (much to my horror).

Yeah, she doesn't so much look like an "Abrams" to me.

O M G, V is like soooo cool. She totally goes to the Angelika and eats at Veselka!!! That's like, downtown and alternative and stuff. I bet she listens to Paramour, too.

Yeah, I obviously hate this character. She is trying so hard to be different. Her tastes are the definitely those of a High School student who thinks she's cool- and some college students I know who are complete losers. Can I vote to kill this character off already? Or at least give her a personality a little less grating.

Pushing Daisies- It's No Viva Laughlin

2007-10-24T16:28:00.000-04:00

Kongye has more good TV news to pass along. In addition to the swift cancellation of Viva Herpes, the TV gods have graced us with further blessings. Pushing Daisies got a full season order! Blog Central is buzzing over this news. Now all we need is the announcement that VH1's newest show is Flavor of Soviet Love, starring Andre from America's Most Smartest Model and we'll explode with joy.

We'll try to have a preview of tonight's Pushing Daisies for you in the next couple of hours.

Viva Laughlin: 10/18/07 - 10/21/07

2007-10-24T01:27:00.000-04:00

Suck it, douchebag. Suck it hard.

Viva Laughlin, the pilot of which we lovingly compared to child molestation, was canceled Monday after airing only 2 episodes in a rare display of sanity by CBS. The show was in the midst of shooting its ninth episode of the thirteen ordered when the cancellation hit, meaning that this show will in all likelihood never be completed and the existing episodes will probably never air again.

If you ever want to see the worst television show ever made, you better get downloading, because the chances of this getting a DVD release are about the same as the cast of Hannah Montana starring in a remake of Salò or the 120 Days of Sodom. (Come to think of it, that's something I'd pay good money to see.)

30 Days of Shite

2007-10-19T10:58:00.000-04:00

"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Yes, we watched 30 Days of Night. I can't even begin to go into how stupid this movie was right now, so instead I'm going to start out by responding to some of the points made in Newsarama's ~~fellatio~~review of the movie:

Well, 30 Days of Night—is not—a direct, panel by panel remake of Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith’s original graphic novel—it’s actually…better.
Replace "graphic novel" with "failed movie pitch" and "better" with "even more simplistic" and this is a correct statement.

30 Days of Night is enhanced by a newfound sense of character development and non-one liner dialog.
HAHAHA BULLSHIT. There is no character development in this movie. NONE. In 2 hours there is absolutely zero character development for anyone, and the entire supporting cast is completely interchangeable. As for the "no one liners," bitch please. Yeah, there aren't any one liners because Steve Niles isn't clever enough to write a goddamn one liner. There are plenty of lines that attempt to be one liners but fall flat on their face, though.

Let me repeat that—there really aren’t any cute Hollywood one-liners in this film. Even the trailer, sporting the now-infamous clip of Marlow saying, “No God,” bears a certain gravitas that doesn’t dismiss the moment as iconic.
Gravitas? I assume gravitas refers to the 10 second pause as Danny Huston stares around the abandoned town after asking "God?" for no reason other than to prove how retarded he can look before busting out his comeback ("NO GOD!"). I was falling out of my chair laughing. Total gravitas, guys. (I should add that although they refer to Huston as "Marlow" here, there is nothing in the movie to indicate that any of the vampires have names at all.) Also, the lack of intentional one liners seriously hurt this movie. I mean seriously, when your movie is a goddamn joke anyway you can at least attempt to make it intentionally funny for at least one scene.

Basically, 30 Days of Night transcends one medium to a new medium the way 300 or Sin City has—
Fixated with shitty action and possessing all the thematic depth of a kiddy pool? Yeah, that's a pretty accurate description of all three of these overrated shitfests. (Although neither 30 Days of Night or Sin City come close to matching 300's artistic vision of "gayest Xbox game ever.")

Typical to movies—audiences have to have a connection to the imperiled in this type of film. Granted, none of these human characters, beyond Stella and Eben Oleson, are iconic or memorable, but that was intentional. They are food.
This line cracks me up as the reviewer struggles to rationalize how awful this script is while still hanging onto the money he was paid to ensure a glowing review. "Well, normally you're supposed to identify with the characters, but it's okay that you don't in this one because they're deliberately supposed to be shitty to make the movie work." Sure thing, guys. Also, if the standard has fallen so low that we're describing Eben and Stella as "iconic" or "memorable," then I feel that I should mention the iconic and memorable dinner I had at Popeye's fried chicken yesterday.

From the standpoint of the talent—Josh Hartnett is Eben Oleson—any fan of the original material can feel it.
I have to agree here, Hartnett was utterly perfect for the part. In the comic, Eben had absolutely no identifiable personality whatsoever, and since Hartnett is completely incapable of portraying human emotion I can hardly think of a better actor to play Eben

All told, 30 Days of Night’s not a “jump out and scare you” kind of horror movie-
Yeah, because that would imply that Niles would have to come up with with a scenario where a vampire attack would be an unexpected surprise. Or that this movie was scary in the first place.

It’s an eerie movie which is tonally accurate to the original source, and even though there are a number of changes from the original story, they were made more out of the necessity of storytelling logic and for the intent of unifying certain thematic elements.
Yeah guys, I know when I think "eerie," I think "vampire attacks in super choppy fast motion with high pitched screaming playing the entire time." This shit is as "eerie" as Dane Cook is "subtle." And let's focus on some of the "storytelling logic " on display here in the revised plot, solely focusing on one of the additional locations:

The people of the town have the ultimate goal of reaching "The Utilador" a structure that apparently exists solely to house a gigantic trash compactor. This structure is so far out of town that they remark that they need a car to get to it and spend 7 days hiding in an attic, 11 in an abandoned convenience store, and 9 in a police station before they head to it.

Remember when they said they needed a car? On day 27 they walk to the Utilador.
THE UTILADOR IS SO CLOSE TO TOWN THAT YOU CAN SEE THE MAIN STREET OF TOWN OUT THE WINDOW. SERIOUSLY, IT'S LIKE 30 FEET AWAY.
The trash compactor at the utilador is in the movie solely so that they can throw a vampire into it and kill him quickly. However, when Josh Harnett's deputy is infected, Hartnett opts to slowly and laboriously hack his head off with an axe and leave the corpse lying on the floor to stink up the place instead of disposing it. Why? Because in 2 days, he's going to need to shoot up vampire blood in order to fistfight a vampire.

This isn't storytelling logic, it's a collection of logistical plotholes you could drive a fucking truck through. At least in the comic there was a reason for an infected corpse to be lying around so Eben could infect himself instead of spending 2 days with a rotting dead body lying directly in front of a device that was written into the movie solely for the purposes of corpse disposal.

LEARN TO WRITE, STEVE

Okay, now for my own thoughts. It's no secret that this movie exists as a comic solely because it failed as a movie pitch the first time around. The main reason that it failed is because when it comes to writing, Steve Niles is, quite honestly, an utter hack. He can come up with some moderately inspired horror concepts, but when it comes time for dialogue, characterization, and actual plotting, he completely falls apart. It's quite telling that he made first break into comics with adaptations of Richard Matheson's I am Legend and Clive Barker's Rawhead Rex rather than any of his own ideas. His success in the comics field seems to be mainly because he manages to be a nice guy (unless he's bringing you onboard a fake project in order to steal your girlfriend, but that's another story,) and attract some of the most talented artists in comics. Seriously, looking over Niles' resume is like a who's who of some of the best regarded artists in their field. Bill Sienkiewicz, Ben Templesmith, Richard Corben, Ashley Wood, Tim Bradstreet, not to mention his co-writing gigs with Rob Zombie and Thomas Jane. So when it comes to comics, he can attract some incredibly talented collaborators that cover up his own glaring deficiencies as a writer. Movies, however, are another issue.

Without the stylized art to distract you, you will quickly realize that this story is stupid. Like, stupid stupid. Iredeemably stupid, really. The supposed "reenvisioning" of vampires he presents is profoundly dumb. They run around with their faces smeared with dried blood, communicating mainly through nonstop high-pitched screaming and occasionally delivering subtitled dialogue in a stupid vampire language that sounds like Klingon. Quite frankly, they're hilarious. Half of them look and act like they have Down's syndrome, they scream all the fucking time, and their leader, as portrayed by Danny Huston, is ridiculous.

(I do have to give credit for one thing, though. The scene where Danny Huston kneels down in front of a puddle of blood, checks his reflection, then decides it's time to slick back his buzzcut with a handfull of blood is one of the most sublimely stupid bits of extraneous villainy you will see in theaters this year. I'm inclined to believe that this was probably Huston's idea, because the rest of the script demonstrates that the writers probably aren't capable of anything remotely clever or intentionally campy.)

The progression of time in this movie is completely fucked, by the way. With no way of actually demonstrating that time is passing aside from clumsy "DAY (insert number here)" captions popping up at random intervals whenever the cast arbitrarily moves to another location, the only visual cue we have to signify the progress of time is Hartnett's scraggly pube-beard. Fittingly, it stops growing after day 7 and remains the same length for roughly the next 22 days. I had the same complaint about the comic, but really from a storytelling point of view, this story does not portray "30 days of night." At the most, it conveys about 30 hours of night.

Oh, and the characters are nonexistant. None of them have discernable personalities, and the only one with any actual backstory gives it through hamfisted exposition immediately before Hartnett cuts his head off with an axe. Thanks for your life story dude, but really nobody cares about your dead kid when you're gonna get killed offscreen in 30 seconds anyway. Also, when you introduce a character, relegate him to the background and forget about him for an hour, there's really no way to give his death any emotional weight, so don't even bother trying. Aside from that, there's a bunch of interchangeable males so undifferentiated that I forgot who was who and what their respective roles were about 45 minutes into the movie.

Oh, and in case you still want to see this movie after reading this, Josh Hartnett turns into a vampire and kills Danny Huston, who somehow manages to jump mouthfirst onto Hartnett's fist and impale his own head on it in the lamest climax to a fight scene ever. Then Hartnett and his estranged wife watch the sun rise, with predictable results. I just saved you $11.

Drink? Don't mind if I do. Maybe this will dull the pain of watching this movie

The only upside of this experience was that Jekyll & Hyde liquor sponsored the afterparty, and as a result, we were getting shitloads of free merchandise, not to mention shot after shot of liquor being handed out to us for free. I think during the 45 minutes spent at the afterparty I consumed at 5 shots of liquor, a can and a half of Monster energy drink, and a pint of beer as women in nurse's outfits asked me to pose for pictures while handing me free alcohol. Kongye had at least 2 shots, a pint of beer, and half a can of Monster. In addition, we each walked out with several T-shirts, a deck of playing cards, and a set of stainless steel flasks. (We aren't supposed to mention those according to the merchandise girls, but whatever.)

Anyway, the liquor itself is a decent alternative to Jagermeister with an interesting presentation. The setup is this: The berry flavored "Jekyll" liquor goes at the bottom of the shot, topped by the herbal flavored "Hyde" liquor, resulting in a shot that starts out like Jager and ends with a comparatively mellow raspberry flavor. It's a decent enough shooter if you don't mind the excessively sweet flavor and somewhat gimmicky nature of the drink. Hopefully Kongye will comment more on it, as she apparently woke up craving more of it the next day, only to be thwarted by its scarcity in Manhattan liquor stores.

Cumface Without the Benefit of GG's Brilliant Wardrobe Department

2007-10-19T06:06:00.000-04:00

I was watching something on the CW tonight and saw a promo telling me that there was an exclusive Cumface interview on The CW's website for me to view. You know I was all over that shit. Thanks to the wonders of Youtube I can share Cummypoo with all of you:

Didn't realize Ed Westwick was British. Perhaps I ought to have perused his IMDb at some point. I didn't want to ruin the illusion. The good news is that Ed is kind of a douche, and not an entertaining one like Cumface. Sigh. His band isn't too bad. Derivative and unoriginal; but if I were getting drunk in a pub I wouldn't throw my glass at them.
I might be coming down with something 'cuz I kinda wanna hit that now. God help me(......No God!). Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bring back Chuck so I can get back to blowing my rape whistle at just the sight of him on my TV screen.

I'd just like to say that regardless of what we think of him offscreen, this blog loves Ed Westwick. He is the best part of Gossip Girl and we'd probably stop watching if he ever went away. We'd send him a gift or something, but we're not 12-year-old girls.

Updates Galore!

2007-10-18T14:17:00.000-04:00

Kongye had a little free time this weekend and finished her reviews of the week in TV. They're inserted in chronological order, check them out.
Quick links:
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Fox Reality Awards

There are some classic rants in there. Enjoy.

30 Days of...?

2007-10-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

So Kongye and Phallic will be seeing a preview screening of 30 Days of Night tonight, and I'll probably be doing a review of it afterwords. In the meantime, read and ponder the following line from Newsarama's review of the movie:

"Basically, 30 Days of Night transcends one medium to a new medium the way 300 or Sin City has-"

Jesus Christ, this is going to FUCKING SUCK.

Wade Robson on Dancing with the Stars

2007-10-18T02:11:00.000-04:00

Wade Robson, my favourite choreographer from So You Think You Can Dance performed on Dancing with the Stars last night. He was everything I could have hoped for and more. In what was obvious an homage to his time at the Neverland Ranch, Wade did a very post-traumatic stress disorder influenced circus piece. Here's the video:

Ok, I lied. Wade isn't so much my favourite choreographer as he is my favourite choreographer to mock. Don't get me wrong, his work is fantastic, he just clearly has a special, special mind. He's constantly towing the thin line between genius and I Love New York 2 contestant.

Monday Night Reviews

2007-10-17T20:27:00.000-04:00

DANCING WITH THE HOUGHNESS- This week on Dancing with the Stars....oh, who cares. How is our boy Derek doing? This week he did the Paso Doble. For those not familiar, in the Paso Doble the man is supposed to be a tough, masculine bullfighter and the woman is his cape. Hey Paint Hougher, what do you think of that?

If Houghness got into a bullfighting ring, he'd win because the bull would die of laughter.

ALIENS IN AMERICA-Mark it down, folks. It took 3 episodes for Aliens in America to have Raja accused of terrorism. He didn't get sent to Gitmo. Pretty unrealistic considering the evidence against him. He definitely would've been Renditioned in real life.

THE GAME-The Game was so thought-provoking. If you have an episode devoted to how much of a cliche one of your characters is on a show that's one giant cliche is that ironic, deep, or a cliche? This clip is going into the video all-stars this week. Enjoy a preview now

JOURNEYMAN-I watched this less than 24 hours ago and I'd need a time machine just to remember what happened. One thing I do remember is that we never found out why it was important or Dan to save this week's time travel beneficiary. Are we just going with the value of human life now? I also remember that the ads promised me that Dan would have to figure out if he could take another life to save someone. He asks Livia that question (she tells him it's cool 'cuz it's the past so it doesn't count-infallible logic), he just never has to make the call. Lame.

WEEDS-I thought this was the season finale. It wasn't. Andy Milder (Dean) is amazing this week. He does his best work incapacitated in a full body cast and wheelchair. Celia catches Nancy screwing her new boyfriend. Next week is going to be very interesting.

Gossip Girl Week 5- "Dare Devil"

2007-10-17T17:24:00.000-04:00

Cumface wasn't in this episode. Need I say more? Let us all take a moment to remember a dear friend:

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Warming up for Jazz Hands
Dedicated to Phallic

In all seriousness, "Dare Devil" was entertaining; but it had a profound immaturity. More than ever, Gossip Girl felt like girls dressing up in their moms' clothes playing at being sophisticated society women. The episode also didn't deliver on the promised drama. Jenny doesn't do anything particularly naughty- at one point the super-risque dare is for her to prank call some girl. Ultimately she doesn't even get in real trouble for anything she does and ends up getting a favorable entry in the GG voiceover blog. Snooze.

In Gossip Girl news, the actor who plays Nate is apparently dating Carrie Underwood. Methinks Cumface is on his way down to Nashville to bitchslap her ass as we speak.

Pushing Daisies Preview- Episode 3: TheFun in Funeral

2007-10-17T16:41:00.000-04:00

I had a chance to check out the next episode of Pushing Daisies over lunch today. I fall more in love with this show with every new installment. I know I've said that before, I just so need to reiterate it. There is something here that warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart. Yes, I have a heart, and while it normally isn't susceptible to the charms of people kissing through Saran wrap or Chi McBride getting stuck in a window, today was a notable exception. I won't engage in any spoilage because I love Daisies far too much to take away from any one's viewing experience.
Pushing Daisies is always worth watching. Tonight is no exception. I preferred this one to "Dummy" from last week. It's just above that episode and just below "Pie-lette"

Here are clips of the aforementioned scenes. I would hate them if they were on any other show.

Viva Laughlin - oh my god I hate this shit

2007-10-16T23:36:00.001-04:00

What did we do to make us deserve this?

You may think I am being extreme when I say Viva Laughlin is one of the worst shows ever produced. You have not yet seen this show, so you do not understand. It truly is that bad. This show is to television what child molestation is to sex. It takes something potentially beautiful and cruelly warps it into something disturbing and repugnant for its own sick amusement.

Lord Douchebag Von Asshole surveys his domain

Meet Ripley Holden, aspiring casino owner and loathesome fucking douchebag. He treats his children like shit and ignores his wife in order to sink his life into a casino (named "Viva!") that he does not have the money to open. He has a history of cheating on his wife, he attempts to buy his son's affection with expensive cars, and his emotional neglect has left his daughter so starved for attention that she begins dating a college professor who might be even older than her father.

And just so we're clear, this is the protagonist. The way the pilot is set up, we're expected to find him roguishly charming and likable.

Did I mention he's also a horrible singer?

That's right, this show has goddamn musical numbers. However, the producers insist that the show is not a musical, and CBS has been trying to avoid this fact for most of their ad campaign, all with good reason. This is because if the overall repugnance of the cast doesn't alienate their audience, the musical numbers will. Seriously, they are fucking awful. Now, I'm not saying that musical numbers cannot be incorporated into a televised serial drama. The BBC productions of the late Dennis Potter's The Singing Detective and Pennies from Heaven both used musical interludes to masterful dramatic effect. The difference here is that Dennis Potter was one of the greatest screenwriters ever born, whereas the writing staff of Viva Laughlin apparently wrote the pilot while huffing spraypaint out of a lunchbag. Let's watch another one of these chestnuts and try to figure out where they went wrong:

Now, Hugh Jackman is an extremely talented performer who I have nothing but admiration for. His portrayal of Wolverine was one of the primary factors behind my fanatical love of the first two X-Men movies, so I can't argue he's unlikeable, and he won a Tony in 2004 for his role in The Boy from Oz, so I can't argue that he's a bad performer when it comes to musical numbers. However, I don't care if you're the best singer in the history of musical theater, when you're doing a butchered karaoke version of "Sympathy for the Devil," you do not want want Mick Jagger's voice playing alongside you to remind people just how immeasurably better he is at singing the song than you are. Sadly, this is still the best musical number featured in the pilot. Aside from this, you will be treated to another one of Asshole Von Douchetoven's Elvis covers as well as the vomit-inducing nadir of the show wherein he dry-humps Melanie Griffith while they butcher Blondie's "One Way or Another."

Yes, you read that right. Melanie Griffith is in this show. Take a look at the following montage and while you're holding back the bile, remember that this was actually put together by CBS to promote the show:

At this point, it's easy to question what kind of a god would allow a creature such as this to exist. The fact of the matter is that Melanie Griffith is a Lich Queen who walks among us to harvest souls for her dark master, the ravenous Bal-Shoggoth.

SEXY.

To add to the overwhelming classiness of Ripley "Douchenozzle" Holden, remember when I mentioned that he cheated on his wife? This is what he was cheating on her with. In the image we're looking at, he is currently informing her that he is rolling for initiative on his "Turn Undead" spell. Just kidding, he's actually trying to tell her that he doesn't want to toss his hotdog down the cavernous, diseased hallway that is her nether regions even though he needs her to help him con her husband into investing in his dead-end casino for white trash too poor to stay in Vegas. Except he doesn't actually need her to con anyone, because her husband turns up dead in Ripley's office that very night, coincidentally while Ripley is avoiding his home and family the entire night and drinking bottles of hard liquor alone in his car. This seems like an airtight alibi to me.

So naturally, the cops get involved, Douchelington becomes the primary suspect, and that's where Detective Peter Carlyle comes in.

"Oh hey, fancy meeting you here in the driveway of your own house. It's kind of funny how we keep running into each other whenever you go outside to get into your car. And then we meet again wherever you end up driving to. Have you cut your hair recently?"

Detective Carlyle, a.k.a. Stalky Stalkerson, figures that the best way to prove a suspect's guilt is by stalking and having sex with the suspect's wife. I wonder why Chris Meloni never realized the brilliant simplicity of this approach throughout his long tenure on Law & Order: SVU. So anyway, Stalky accosts Douchey's wife on numerous occasions throughout the episode, posing as a prospective homeowner in their gated community. While meeting her in such secluded romantic getaways as her driveway and the produce aisle of the supermarket, he subtly probes her for information in a manner that can only be described as entrapment. Meanwhile, he's thinking about a different kind of probing while positioning that ass for enTAPment.

Aside from this parade of living excrement, we've got Douchelord threatening to beat the shit out of his daughter's boyfriend, his son selling his car so Douchebag can sink the money into the financial black hole that is his casino, Douchemonger's pathetic attempts to salvage his failing marriage while he is clearly incapable of expressing human emotion, Hugh Jackman's personal assistant running around making bedroom eyes at both Hugh and The Lich Queen, and a bunch of other shit I drank myself to sleep for a week after viewing in order to forget.

Despite the fact that Viva Laughlin has been universally derided as one of the worst shows of the season along with Cavemen and Big Shots, CBS picked this up for 13 episodes. I doubt even half of them will air. Then again, if CBS had any dignity at all, they would have never even allowed the pilot to make it to the public, so there's always the chance that this will be raping the airwaves for its full order of episodes.

Verdict: Fuck you.

Would I Watch It? I cannot reiterate enough how much the very existence of this show fills me to the core with loathing.

Sunday Reviews

2007-10-15T13:14:00.000-04:00

Kongye didn't watch much TV on Sunday night. We'll be back later with a special review of the new episode of America's Most Smartest Model, the only show on the TiVo for the whole night. In the meantime, we will review what we did see last night- the trailers before Elizabeth: The Golden Age. We may or may not end up reviewing the film itself. In case we don't, here's an executive summary:
The Golden Age features great acting and some breathtaking visuals; but it doesn't live up to its potential.

As for the trailers, they made us realize that this is going to a be a very weak year for movies. With Elizabeth already a disappointment and the crop of Oscar bait we saw trailers for last night isn't giving us much hope.

Love in the Time of Cholera- So we're watching the trailer for this movie. Everything is looking mediocre. I'm thinking it's probably not necessary to have every popular and good book turned into a movie, especially if you're going to half-ass it and hire actors who are either from South America or look like they could be and force them to do their lines with accents but speak English. That's always been one of my pet peeves. Just pick a direction. Either have your actors speak Spanish or have them perform in their normal voices. The audience doesn't need Benjamin Bratt to put on an accent so that we'll know that they'd actually be speaking Spanish in real life. So we get through the trailer and then comes the funniest part of the night. At the end of it, after they've put up all the other information, with the classical score in the background we get that romantic script font movie studios so adore, and it says.... "with original songs by Shakira." The entire theater just breaks out into laughter. The laughter actually builds as patrons realize everyone else in the room is thinking the same thing and it just gets louder and louder. The laughter lingers long into the next trailer. I'm not sure that's what the studio had in mind.

Atonement- There's a ton of hype surrounding this movie. I'm not convinced by the trailer or the talent working on this. I'm sorry, but the Pride & Prejudice pedigree is not going to win any points with me. At least this Joe Wright adaptation on a romantic novel with Keira Knightley in the lead isn't based on a novel that's been adapted countless times for film and television. Then again, Jane Austen is a lot less annoying than Ian McEwan, so it's really a toss-up which one of these two films is more unnecessary.

Sweeney Todd- Uh, I was excited about this when I heard they were making it. I guess I forgot Tim Burton hasn't made a decent movie in years. Sweeney Todd is supposed to be a musical. The trailer features almost no music. Either this isn't a musical anymore or, as I suspect from the one instance of Johnny Depp singing in the trailer, the cast and Burton screwed up the musical numbers royally and the studio is trying to avoid letting us see how bad this will be.

Charlie Wilson's War- Wow. That's all I can say about this movie. I'm not sure where to start. Perhaps the ad campaign for this is terribly misguided and it will be a fantastic film. If I am to go by the trailer, it will be a giant mess. I don't know where to begin. The premise of the movie is that Tom Hanks plays a Lothario congressman who is manipulated by Julia Roberts (horribly miscast as a wealthy seductress) into single-handedly launching a covert campaign to arm Afghan resistance fighters against a Soviet invasion. In addition to being woefully historically inaccurate, I'm not sure what message this film is trying to send. The trailer would have you believe that the movie will glorify Roberts' cold warrior. At the same time, the trailer has scenes that make us think this will be a Wag The Dog type of satire. While it would be irresponsible and overly simplistic to say that Hanks' actions lead to the rise of the Taliban, it is fair to say that U.S. policy in Afghanistan at that time is not exactly worthy of the Hollywood treatment- unless you're making a movie highlighting foreign policy errors in the tail end of the Cold War. This looks like a total mess. However, even though I despise the overrated Roberts I do enjoy Mike Nichols' work so I'm giving this movie a chance. Expect a long entry on the historical inaccuracies once I actually see it, though.

Saturday Reviews

2007-10-15T03:55:00.000-04:00

FOX REALITY CHANNEL REALLY AWARDS- So I've already reviewed this show. My comments were pretty harsh so I'll just use this space to pass along some news on the So You Think You Can Dance. As you may know, SYTYCD is the only network reality show I watch. Therefore, in the non-rant section of my Really Awards review, I'll talk about the SYTYCD happenings on Saturday's show. Mary Murphy won Best Judge/ Host, the show won for Favourite Competition Show, and Benji did a "dance." I'll be sure to share that with you if I find the clip or a place to download the entire show so I can make a clip. It was pretty unwatchable, so you're not missing much.

LEGALLY BLONDE: THE MUSICAL- I would never pay money to see this steaming pile of Chihuahua shit on Broadway. If you are one of the many mouth-breathers who would, leave my blog right now and never come back. You disgust me. You are what is wrong with our society and the reason there are no good mainstream movies, TV shows, or albums anymore. I decided to catch MTV's presentation of the musical so that I could at least speak with some authority when I ripped it a new one. So far I'm halfway through the opening song "Oh My God, You Guys" (I'm not making that up, and the song is just as annoying as the title would have you believe) and I already want to blow my brains out. Can this version of Legally Blonde end with the sorority house getting blown up in the first 15 minutes of the play?
EDIT: The audience is even more obnoxious than the show. This is an exact, word-for-word clone of the movie with crappy music set over the crappy dialogue. Wow, the product placement is the icing on the cake.

THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT ELVIRA- I was very disappointed with this show. Not just because it's another vehicle for trailer trash Rock of Love rejects to get on TV, but because it's a boring piece of crap. The one thing Elvira had going for her is that she was campy to the max. On this reality program you get the sense she's either forgotten how to play her own alter ego or she just doesn't care anymore. It's not intentionally funny or funny in a VH1 reality wreck is. I'm going to take a nap after watching that. Wake me when Fox Reality premieres that trannie dating show.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE-No major disasters, therefore nothing of any interest. It goes without saying that there were no funny sketches and Jon Bon Jovi is not cut out for comedy. They're re airing Kanye's episode next week, you should check that out.

Friday Night Reviews

2007-10-15T02:54:00.000-04:00

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS- FNL is fantastic. I've heard people say they don't watch it because they don't like football. There has been no football in the first two episodes of this season. I think they had about a minute of practice in each episode, although I'm not sure if it was practice or just featured the field as the backdrop. While most TV shows are going to great lengths to pry some sympathy out of my cold, cold heart; FNL gets me misty with honest depictions of real situations. I'm not thrilled with the direction the Landry/ Tyra storyline has taken; but it has been handled so well.

DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION- Boring episode. Degrassi featured a bad Devil Wears Prada knockoff, the lesbians had a big fight, and the slutty Philipina was a racist. To draw attention away from the boring, I'm going to talk about this incarnation of the show's most screwed-over character. You can read all about the original Degrassi's resident loser in my Thursday reviews. In TNG, one character starts on the show immediately having a dead mom and a dad who beats him. He goes on to cheat on his girlfriend and get the other girl pregnant. Then his dad dies, he gets diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and becomes a coke addict. We hear he'll be back with a guest starring gig on the current season. Can't wait to see what they do with him. You know, I don't think Degrassi has had an HIV-positive character on The Next Generation. Come on, Craig, you can totally step up your game. Start shooting some heroin and get infected from a dirty needle. You can do it, Kongye believes in you.

20/20- Not so much a review as an observation here. I fast forwarded through just about all of this hour because it was about kids and I have an overwhelming fear of children. Something I did tune in for, since it was the first segment, was 20/20's profile of Emily Osment. She's the Ethel to Miley Cyrus' Lucy on Hannah Montana. That means she has to stand almost out of frame the whole time and always be at least 20 pounds heavier than Miley (those of you not familiar with TV history should really look up the second part of that, it's a good story). She also happens to be the sister of Mr. I See Dead People, Haley Joel Osment. She looks like Haley in a wig. Although Haley looks like a girl with an unfortunate bowl cut, so they're about even. Anyway, this profile was about how Emily's parents set boundaries at home and how those boundaries are keeping her from turning into a Lindsay or a Britney. As the reporter is asking these questions and alluding to LiLo's arrests, I kept waiting for him to mention THIS. I mean, they were raised by the same people, no? I know ABC is owned by Disney and this was a puff piece about one of Disney's stars trying to promote her Disney-produced album and TV movie; but come on. At the very least, it's in poor taste to pat these parents on the back for having only one of their kids be a pothead who flips his car while drunk and high before he even goes to college. The show should be called 50/50, because apparently that's a good enough track record to be a poster child for parent of the year in the Disney universe. As 20/20's John Stossel would say: Give me a break!

P.S.: Check out the height/ weight on Haley's booking sheet. He's totally a leprechaun.

P.P.S.: He's totally high in that mug shot even though it was taken a month after he had his accident and claims he got sober.

AMSM- Gaston

2007-10-14T11:08:00.000-04:00

In the final installment of our America's Most Smartest Model segment, let's take a look at Gaston. He is one smooth operator. Too bad he has some personal hygiene issues or I'd be on that like white on rice.

Excuse me, I need to take a shower now.

I love how he tells the judges to suck his dirty penis. Do they even hire tiny, greasy elves as models? Apparently not, 'cuz Gaston got the boot in the first episode. We'll miss you and your requests for boob rubbing. Adios, Señor Douche.

Fox Reality Awards- The Very Mean and Not-Suitable-for-Children Review

2007-10-14T10:39:00.000-04:00

FOX REALITY CHANNEL REALLY AWARDS- Oh my God, this show was even more of a train wreck than I could have imagined. The thought of all these attention-seeking losers piled into a shitty nightclub in Hollywood celebrating each other's fame-whoring is enough to make my head explode. The highlight of the night may have been when they trotted out that crying girl from American Idol . Oops, I meant THIS crying girl (I could only handle 4 seconds of that shit, if you want more, search for yourself). They bring her out and apparently that fat little moron is still weeping at the sight of Yesterday's News. More importantly, 2 minutes after the 10-year-old comes on, show hostess Kennedy tells us that they have a hot tub full of whores from HBO's Cat House backstage and shows us footage of the hos taking off their bikinis and rubbing their tits into random douche's faces. Classy and family-friendly! The rest of the show was a parade of cheese and stupidity, topped off by Fox Reality milking that incident where The Original Firecrotch knocked out some other reality asshole's teeth. How appropriate that a show honouring attention-seekers would stage a ridiculous publicity stunt like this.

AMSM- Mandy Lynn

2007-10-13T19:39:00.000-04:00

The next contestant in our America's Most Smartest Model special is Mandy Lynn. I don't find Mandy Lynn interesting on her own, I just love watching Ben Stein rape her with his eyes. Watch as he rubs one out during her runway upon hearing her say "balls, cherries, balloons, ..." over and over again.

AMSM- Jesse

2007-10-13T17:34:00.000-04:00

As promised, we bring you the second in our four-part series on the best contestants from America's Most Smartest Model.
Tonight we bring you Jesse; the fat model. I love how sassy this bitch is. Jesse's my favourite in the non-mocking way. You go girl!

Thursday Night Reviews

2007-10-13T17:15:00.000-04:00

UGLY BETTY & GREY'S ANATOMY- I had to catch up with these shows because I didn't watch them last week. After 4 hours of ABC Thursday night programming in a row, I don't remember much. Maybe I have to care about the characters on these shows, which I don't. Let' just move on.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA- The only complaint I have is that we only got 1 episode of Sunny. This week: Sweet Dee's dating a Retarded Person. That storyline is good. Better: the guys try to start a band. I think we all know how that would end up. Expect clips.

ER-Snooze. I feel like ER is recycling its own medical mysteries and doctor personal life dramas. I will continue to watch this out of loyalty, I just won't be reviewing it anymore unless something exciting happens. Here's some footage of John Stamos "allegedly" drunk/high and definitely bitter and too honest on Australian TV:

LINK

DEGRASSI- Ok, so I have no idea when this season premiere actually aired (I'm guessing last Friday); but I found it on my TiVo with Thursday's shows. I've loved Degrassi since the original Degrassi High. There's something about a show where a group of 10 kids can experience every plight in the teenage pantheon that just appeals to me. On the original show there was a kid who found out he was adopted, almost got raped hitchhiking to see his birth father, both his parents were killed, had random learning disabilities, and eventually drove drunk and killed someone. I think he ended up paralyzed and in prison. Good times. The installment I watched on Thursday was the seventh season premiere. In an effort to cash in as much as possible, the makers of the show decided to divide the kids' senior year into 2 seasons, so we're starting with the first day of their winter semester. I guess they're running low on teen cautionary tales because we get another date rape storyline here. This one being different from the one a few years back because this girl was rufied and the last one was just held down and raped. We don't find out who did the raping in this episode; but I have a theory:

Wednesday Reviews

2007-10-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

THE VIEW- I love watching The View. It makes me feel so much smarter listening to those harpies pander to America's housewives. I wouldn't normally review this show; but today was a real turning point. When Sherri Shepherd declared that she didn't know if the world was round I laughed at her; but basically gave her the benefit of the doubt. She may have been nervous then with these bitches 3 times her age were hounding her about evolution. She was probably afraid Joy would eat her. On Wednesday Sherri went from being bad under pressure to being a complete moron. They were talking about the Republican debates and Sherri chimes in, without anyone asking her to, that she couldn't tell any of the old white men apart. "Apart from the big four, I didn't know who any of them were." Listen, ho; if Barbara Walters tells your dumb ass to watch the debate and you know you're going to have to talk about it the next day, the least you can do is come up with 1 thing to say about it other than "all these white people look the same." Here's Sherri's take on a question that was answered definitely over 500 years ago:

PUSHING DAISIES- I love, love, love this show. This installment was even better than the pilot. Then again, I thought the pilot was the greatest thing I saw all summer. Then I saw it again at pilot screening week, was less impressed, and pledged my eternal allegiance to Dirty Sexy Money. I don't know if this show is only fantastic upon first viewing or if my opinion was tainted by being buzzed and needing to pee very badly the second time I saw it. I guess we'll never know. They found a way to work in Kristin Chenoweth's fantastic singing. Anna Friel gets more crushworthy every time I see her, Chi McBride is out of this world, and Lee Pace is growing on me. Pushing Daisies is now a show I will be waiting on every week. Good thing I'll be able to see it a day early.
GOSSIP GIRL- I already posted a mini-review. They need to keep the bitch-factor up here or they run the risk of me turning on them. What makes them think we want to see these characters getting along or- Godforbid- helping each other deal? You have betrayed me, Gossip Girl.
KITCHEN NIGHTMARES- Gordon Ramsay didn't make anything better. They even try to gloss over his complete failure by pretending the fact that the owner had to sell the restaurant in the end was a great thing. That he got "an offer he couldn't refuse." First of all, that line belongs in the first episode; the big Guido Sopranos ripoff pilot. Second, of course that owner couldn't refuse the offer; his restaurant was tanking and he was going broke. Oh, and I get the feeling the producers bought Ramsay an unlimited LIRR pass and told him to travel across the southern shore of Long Island finding places run by the most annoying people on the face of the planet. Why does he even bother? It's not like people on the Island have taste buds or taste, period. Who goes to Babylon or Islip for fine cuisine? Fuck, I don't even think people who live there go Babylon or Islip for a good meal. Go back to Britain and make some good TV for me to download, Gordon.
TOP CHEF- It was the reunion show show this week so nothing happened. We were treated (?) to clips and montages. Casey won the viewer's choice prize. Apparently being completely generic and boring wins tons of love. I'm going to go back a week in Top Chef and talk about how excited I am that Hung won. Often reality shows will have one contestant that's clearly much more talented than everyone else. That person will likely know that he or she is incredibly talented and may occasionally make comments or engage in behaviour that reveals to the viewer that he or she is aware of their talent. In reality land, producers will decide to only show clips of that side of the contestant. He or she will become the villain and we will root for them to lose, just like well-trained chimps. From what I've seen, the villain always makes it to the end; but never wins. The winner is always the bland but inoffensive contestant. Well, Top Chef totally broke that tradition and crowned Hung its winner! I've gotta say, Hung may have been the worst villain on reality TV because he wasn't explosively mean. He was just competitive, couldn't take criticism from anyone, and refused to help people around him. In fact, Top Chef featured numerous occasions of Hung being finished like half an hour before everyone else and just standing around mocking the other contestants as they scrambled and prayed to get their food on a plate. They would ask him to help, and he would just ignore them. Hung was also creepy-looking. Much like Marcel from Top Chef 2, I became quite attached. You've gotta love someone who clearly was raised by wolves. CONGRATULATIONS HUNG!
DIRTY SEXY MONEY- Good times, as usual. The show was back to form this week. Brian had some great scenes and Samaire Armstrong was almost never on screen without Seth Gabel. Smart move on the show's part. I can't stand her; but the family dynamics she has with him are genius. They still have to turn the outrageous up a few notches. The writers need to stop holding back and so do the actors. Expect clips in this week's All-Stars.

Tuesday Night Reviews

2007-10-12T03:44:00.000-04:00

CAVEMEN- Remember last week when I previewed the Cavement pilot and said that the show may be better than the pilot I saw over the summer because they clearly couldn't air the original pilot? Well, I was half right. ABC scrapped the entire original pilot episode. They changed everything except the fact that these guys are cavemen and that they live in a horrible, discriminatory world. What I was wrong about was this show getting better. If anything this new version is far worse. It is now just boring and obvious instead of being willfully idiotic. For some reason, I watched episode 2. It was even worse than the pilot. Cavemen will be off the air by month's end.

BONES- Ok, seriously, why is this show so obsessed with cannibalism and kinky sex? This episode is mostly about the latter; but also features an allusion to the former. I have to say "pony play" is a fetish I was not familiar with. It doesn't sound like fun and brings up many logistical issues. Bones has lost its ability to engage viewers in the mystery. At times it's too wrapped up in its office politics. The writers grasp that the banter among the characters is what separates this show from the glut of procedurals on the air so they play it up at the expense of the procedural elements.

DANCING WITH THE STARS- Bye, bye Wayne. I'll miss your....nothing. I will miss nothing about Wayne Newton. I didn't even think he was worth making fun of. I watched the last 2 minutes of this show on Wednesday night and watched the filler earlier today. I can't say I missed anything, except the mildly inappropriate dance that accompanied Hannah Montana singing with her dad. Eastern Bloc dancers just can't turn down the sexy, even when they're dancing to a song about a father lamenting his daughter growing up. I'm not sure they were sending the right message there.

HOUSE- I'm not going to bother making fun of the obvious problems with House this season. Tonight he stuck a knife into an outlet to prove to a patient that there is no such thing as an afterlife. They've also turned this into one of those reality competition shows while pretending to do a parody of them. This whole "So You Think You Can Be America's Next Top Doctor Project" bullshit would be much more interesting if Fox hadn't already issued press releases telling us exactly who is going to stick around this season. I don't like shows that use adorable, kind animals to emotionally manipulate me, either. Increasingly, it's becoming absurd the level of bullshit they let him get away with, especially considering both his patients died tonight. SPOILER WARNING: I also don't understand what the hell happened to paralyzed guy and his pills. If Olivia Wilde just forgot to give them to him, why didn't he say something? If he wanted to die and specifically didn't take his pills he couldn't do anything to them because he doesn't have use of his body and someone would have noticed a cup with pills in it just sitting on his table. END OF SPOILER
REAPER- This show has kept up the standard from the pilot episode- a feat few other freshman programs have been able to accomplish. Bret Harrison is extremely underrated. I love him here. Tyler Labine and Ray Wise also excel as Sock and the Devil, respectively. Missy Peregrym continues to be incredibly hot but incredibly boring on screen. She's the one weak link in this very strong cast.

LAW & ORDER: SVU-Sabrina, The Teenage Witch guest-starred this week. So did Beaver from Veronica Mars. They threw everything but the kitchen sink at us this week. There was entirely too much going on by the time the episode's trial ends, and then they throw in yet another storyline, just for kicks.

I'm Addicted to Reviewing Stuff

2007-10-11T19:15:00.000-04:00

So the State of New York is forcing Kongye to sit through a 5 hour course that should be titled "Driving Advice for Complete Fucking Idiots." What has she learned so far?
-Buckling your seat belt is safer than not buckling up.
-Teens are irresponsible little shits. Don't let them in get into cars together.
-Try not to fall asleep behind the wheel. If you want to take a nap, don't get into a car.
-Drunk driving isn't a good idea. But it is fun to watch a bunch of medical students trying to do it.
-Don't drive an actual blindford on. It looks like fun; but I was led to believe it would be a bad idea.
-Those crash test dummies that were so cool when I was a child of the 80's are actually really annoying now that I'm not entertained by random loud noises.
- The 80's were not kind to anyone. Acid wash, perms, and mom jeans- 'nuf said.
-In Sweden drunk driving gets you 1 year hard labour. Methinks I need to send Boyfriend back to his homeland. It would be fun watching him chop wood shirtless in July. On second thought, I'll just turn the thermostat way up the next time he works out and save on airfare.
-In El Salvador they execute you by firing squad for drunk driving. Someone should tell Paris and Lilo that there's a hot new club in San Salvador.

NBC Has Low Standards

2007-10-11T06:33:00.000-04:00

NBC recently gave all of its new fall series additional script orders. As you all know, I didn't like any of their slate. The only show I've watched past the pilot is Journeyman, and that's only because there's nothing on at that time and I enjoy making fun of its insane time travel solutions to simple problems. The numbers on these shows are also pretty unimpressive.
The only conclusion we can draw from this, and this has been obvious for quite a while, is that NBC is desperate for anything that isn't a complete failure. When your numbers are in the toilet anyway, you start to see the light at the end of the sewer tunnel.
On the other side of the spectrum, the season premiere of FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS was amazing. Something I've come to expect from this program. Also as expected, the numbers sucked again. I'm constantly amazed that people will sit through inane, badly-produced crap like Heroes while good TV dies a slow, painful death.
Good luck to NBC's slate-o-schlock. May it pollute our collective TV screens for years to come.

P.S.: CBS gave script orders on the new show that we don't about here in blog land. If they order a full season, they're going to have to shell out so much money on guyliner.

Monday Night Reviews

2007-10-11T00:38:00.000-04:00

DANCING WITH THE STARS- Very boring this week, no dancefloor disasters to cut the bad dancing and the blatant self-promotion. Speaking of which, Maksim worked his Vegas stage show into his video package and Floyd actually told us to buy his Pay-per-view fight. I really hate these people. I also have a gripe with this show: some of the dancers were not actually doing a ballroom Tango. I'm pretty sure no one will care to hear why so I'll just leave it at that until someone engages me about it.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER- Not a standout episode. It was trying to be far more outrageous than it actually was. You can't do a threesome storyline properly with an 8pm timeslot on CBS. The most noteworthy part of the episode-for all the wrong reasons- was that Bob Saget spends the episode narrating a story about the time he may or may not have had sex with 2 sorority girls to his tween children. You've gotta love CBS's family-friendly slate of programming.
PRISON BREAK- Prison Break is so strange this season. There's way too much going on, too many subplots, too many characters, and none of it makes any sense. At least the producers took care of the Sarah situation on Monday. I was getting tired of seeing that bad body double. It's amazing that PB has conditioned me to be more shocked when there is no twist. At the end of last week they left us wondering "What's in the box?" This being PB, I assumed it wouldn't be what I expected...but it was. Job well done Prison Break. Job well done.
ALIENS IN AMERICA- Aliens faltered a bit in its second week. I'm glad they cut some of the sentimentality; but it's still not hitting hard enough on the laughs. The show is holding itself back. Also of note: some of the peripheral characters have been recast without explanation. The bullies and the guidance counsellor are clearly now played by different actors. The show tries to hide this by not referring to these characters by name, so that maybe we'll believe that they're not the same people.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL- Why can't my Bills just win a game already. This week was especially depressing. I felt like we came so close. This was probably the most exciting 4th Quarter I'll see all regular season. Too bad it didn't go my way.
THE GAME- Speaking of football, this episode of The Game actually featured its characters playing some. Here's the thing; last season this show was a sitcom. Complete with laugh track and multi-camera action. This season it's just a half hour Tyler Perry movie. I'd say the show isn't funny anymore; but I don't think it's even trying to be. They're even piping uncomfortable laughter through the laugh track. The whole experience is surreal because it feels like a sitcom in the way it's shot; but it plays like a cheesy nighttime soap. Here's a clip:

JOURNEYMAN- Boo hoo, Dan used to be addicted to gambling. I liked him better when he was a crackhead. This week's task: stop a crappy lawyer from killing himself over his gambling debt so that he can evnetually become a good lawyer and get innocent people off death row. A noble purpose, no doubt. I'm just not sure why it takes Dan half a dozen trips to do that and why the solution is to have a building fall on the guy.
WEEDS- Filler episode to set up next week's season finale. Some good bits involving the always hilarious Kevin Nealon and Justin Kirk, including this one:

Like, OMG, Really?

2007-10-10T21:38:00.000-04:00

GOSSIP GIRL got a full season order! I read this this morning and I can't believe I forgot to post about it. Looks like you all love this show as much as I do. I hope next week's episode returns to outrageously ridiculous form and we don't have to deal with a whole season of these characters having souls and brains. That would be a real tragedy.

LINK

AMSM- Meet Andre

2007-10-10T20:09:00.000-04:00

The beauty of AMERICA'S MOST SMARTEST MODEL is undoubtedly the contestants. In the first of a 4 part series highlighting the best of the best, meet Andre:

The best part is that he keeps referring to himself as "Soviet." Bitch is straight out of 1983. In his mind the Berlin Wall never fell and Right Said Fred is the greatest artist of all time. He is so channeling the "I'm Too Sexy" look.

I bet it turns out Andre is from Wisconsin.

America's Most Smartest Model

2007-10-10T19:18:00.000-04:00

I normally don't like VH1's train wreck TV. When I first heard about AMERICA'S MOST SMARTEST MODEL I did not know that it was on the cable channel, so I put it on my TiVo. After watching the first episode I am officially hooked! The reason I don't watch Rock of Love or I Love New York is that it wreaks of desperation. There's no prize and none of these contestants could possibly be interested in dating the star of the show. That means they're all just there to get famous for being disgusting, disease-ridden losers. There's nothing wrong with making fun of people like that, I just prefer when they're not in on the joke.
I can't say the "models" on AMSM have noble intentions. The difference is that they're trying to get famous for not being stupid. That probably won't work out too well, since VH1 is dead set on making them look as bad as possible.
The show is flawed. I don't understand why they give them modeling challenges. There is some confusion as to whether these are supposed to be professional models trying to prove they're smart or amateurs trying to break into the modeling world. My conclusion: they're a bunch of attractive people floating through the reality casting system who were available when VH1 decided to film this.

Programming Notes

2007-10-10T17:38:00.000-04:00

Kongye is coming to you live tonight from a wi-fi enhanced perch at the Nassau Coliseum. Blame all errors in tonight's posts on the bridge-and-tunnel air here.
Later Kongye is going to try to molest Lizzie McGuire, who is currently only a couple hundred feet away. Oh, and she looks like she had a "protein shake" courtesy of her boyfriend earlier this afternoon.

Gossip Girl Episode 4 Preview

2007-10-10T15:45:00.000-04:00

Another week, another magical episode of GOSSIP GIRL. I have to say this was not the strongest episode of the soap. There a distinct lack of melodrama- or any kind of drama. No catfights, no date rape, the boozing was pretty unnoticeable, and Cumface didn't even get any. These teens are off their game.

This week marked yet another step in the Cumface/ Nate relationship: Nate gets a new boyfriend and Chuck is so not having it.

"Seems like some one's itinerary didn't leave room for cockblockers. How will Chuck be able to rufie and sodomize Nate with Environmental Douche in the way?"

I Love New York 2 begins in earnest

2007-10-09T10:59:00.000-04:00

"Girl, you sexier than a 10 piece meal"

Meet Midget Mac. Midget Mac is a competitor on I Love New York 2 who comes off as the results of some deranged alchemical experiment to create a Flavor Flav homunculus. At one point New York made a remark to the effect that he was the perfect height to eat her out. This is immediately disproved a few minutes later when we see that he comes up to stomach level with her when she is wearing 2 inch heels, so unless her snatch is located somewhere around her sternum, I sincerely doubt that. More to come when I get home from work.

I know I said I was going to do a breakdown of the casting special, but after rewatching it, I realized that it was pointless for me to mock it when the show does my job for me already. I'll definitely have a play-by play of the first actual episode of this up in the next few days.

(Hey, Kongye's still putting off posting that SYTYCD tour review she promised what, 2 weeks ago? Cut me a little slack here.)

So You Think You Can Dance Tour Photos

2007-10-09T03:05:00.001-04:00

So You Think You Can Dance Tour- Atlantic City

So You Think You Can Dance Tour- East Rutherford

Moonlight Episode 2

2007-10-09T01:11:00.000-04:00

Here are some highlights from Friday's episode of Moonlight:

Everything about this flashback is epic. You hardly ever see vampire chic with an 80's, Miami Vice backdrop. Also happy to see Jason Dohring taking his character up a notch on the camp front.

This week's villain was a real criminal mastermind

Oh, and what's with this?:

Can CBS not afford some decent green screen?

So it looks like I'll be watching this show until it gets cancelled. That should only be a couple more weeks. This shit is ridiculous! Ok, not to take away from the hilarity of the video in the middle there; but let me tell you the amazingly ludicrous plan that villain comes up with (SPOILER ALERT, highlight to view)
He has a grudge on Mick because he put him in jail for 25 years. He is now out because he convinces some woman to write a book about how he was wrongly convicted. He becomes this big hero and is dating the writer. So his plan is to keep hurting himself to make it look like Mick is doing it. He shoots himself (as you can see in the clip) in Mick's apartment with Mick's gun. Because Mick is clearly the dumbest fucking P.I. on the planet and doesn't seem to understand that he probably won't be arrested because the guy broke into his apartment and because the physical evidence will show the guy shot himself, flees the scene. The criminal genius then hatches the following plan: he kidnaps his own girlfriend and he and 3 of his biker buddies hold her hostage at gunpoint. His sole demand is that Mick turn himself into the police within an hour. Ponder that one over for a minute. Clearly my mind is not sophisticated enough to grasp how brilliant this plan is because it sounds pretty fucking stupid to me. Oh, then that blonde chick who still looks just like Elizabeth Rohm shoots the villain in the neck and kills him. Happy endings all around.

I can't wait to see what they come up with for next week.

New Segment: All-Star Videos

2007-10-06T13:06:00.000-04:00

We're introducing a new segment to the blog. The best clips of TV shows Kongye and Phallic watched each week. It occurred to us that some clips are just indescribable, so we just have to show you. We missed a week, so allow us to go back and bring you the winners from the week of September 24th:

BONES provides a monologue about cannibalism that belongs on TOP CHEF

DIRTY SEXY MONEY: Brian Darling at his best.

The first and last 20 seconds of this are amazing. From IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA. 'Nuff said.

Kongye is off to Atlantic City for some serious gambling and another stop on the So You Think You Can Dance Tour. Expect some mobile blogging from the bus ride down and more Week 1 all-stars before Monday.

Robin Hood is Back!

2007-10-06T13:03:00.000-04:00

This photo raises so many questions. Two: is that a spear? and can you shoot a spear using a bow?

I love British television! I don't know if its better than American television; but it does feel special somehow. It also helps that I watch it all months before it airs here on BBC America and that makes me feel special.
For those not familiar, the Saturday evening pre-watershed slot is one of, if not THE, most important time slots on British TV. In the summer it is home to The Doctor and features a lineup of huge projects when Doctor Who is off the air. Last autumn BBC's big-budget reimagining of ROBIN HOOD took over the time period for 10. It lost the hour to X-Factor (to simplify I'd describe X-factor as British Idol, although it's a little different), but the BBC must have thought its numbers were good enough because it ordered a second season last November.
BBC has had some luck relaunching and rebranding projects with some history. Doctor Who is a massive critical and commercial success. It's recent Hyde miniseries was a bit of a mess; but worked because of its creative take on a classic story and David Nesbitt's excellent performance. The same can't be said for Robin Hood. The show does little to revolutionize the story. We've seen a strong Maid Marian before and the obvious allusions to the current war in Iraq are poorly written and out of place. Jonas Armstrong is no Nesbitt. I have no issues with his frame. I mean, Robin had a very long trip home from the holy land. It makes sense that he'd be malnourished and weak. Jonas is great-looking and has obvious charisma; but he can't act. He did hit his stride midway through season 1 and delivered a strong performance in the two-part finale; but I wonder how many people stuck with this for that long.
I watched all of season 1 and found it to be fun family entertainment. This isn't art; but it satisfies my craving for escapist TV. Keith Allen (father to Lily for those more atune to pop music than British theater) is great as the sheriff and some of the cinematography is lovely. Yes, this is a Robin Hood aggressively aimed at a younger generation, with all the melodrama and shallowness that entails; but that doesn't mean the rest of us can't enjoy it.
How will the new season go over? The trailer- featuring a silly wild west-style casino plotline for one of the early episodes- really doesn't offer much hope. If it's anything like last season, the show will build in quality from week to week. At the very least I'll get 10 weeks of eye candy on my computer screen.

Examining Some Numbers

2007-10-04T17:50:00.000-04:00

Ratings are in for Wednesday, which is quickly shaping up to be the most competitive night of television this fall. My inability to post a pilot review doesn't seem to have hurt Pushing Daisies, which got off to a strong start. The fate of this show remains to seen, as viewer retention is the real test. Speaking of which...

Interesting news in the 9pm timeslot. Overnight ratings show a 10% drop in Private Practice's ratings and a whopping 21% tumble for Bionic Woman. Ok, it remains to be seen if NBC thinks it's as bad as I do (with the bubble of hatred I've built around this show); but I think 2 things are clear:
1) All the hype in the world can't make up for mediocre execution
2) Isaiah Washington is a show cancer.

In other news, The CW is pimping Gossip Girl's numbers like you wouldn't believe.

More updates- including the numbers on Dirty Sexy Money-later when I'm in front of a computer instead of floating in Blackberry land.

UPDATE: Took a look at The Futon Critic's full ratings report today and here's their report:

Week-to-week changes (new series): "Bionic woman" (households: -17.86%; adults 18-49: -27.27%), "Life" (households: -10.77%; adults 18-49: -28.57%), "Kid Nation" (households: -2.08%; adults 18-49: -10.71%), "Private Practice" (households: -14.43%; adults 18-49: -11.76%), "Dirty Sexy Money" (households: -9.46%; adults 18-49: even), "Back to You" (households: -4.35%; adults 18-49: -14.29%), "Kitchen Nightmares" (households: +8.57%; adults 18-49: +20.00%) and "Gossip Girl" (households: even; adults 18-49: +8.33%)

You can also find the complete ratings on their website. I'm glad to see Kitchen Nightmares gaining viewers. It's not nearly as good as the British version, but I think it's pretty good for reality TV and I'd love to see it take off. My hope is that there's a Season 2 so we can get a Nightmares Revisited for some of these places. Those were my favourite episodes of the original show. Gossip Girl is performing well and I think its future is very secure because The CW has been emphasizing the fact that its #1 in its target demo in major markets.
Dirty Sexy Money's fate is still in some limbo. Its week-to-week numbers are solid (especially audience retention in the all-important 18-49) but it didn't have strong numbers to begin with so there may not have been enough viewers to keep. Let's hope ABC decides to stick with this, it's good TV.

What's On Kongye's TiVo- Mostly Download Edition

2007-10-04T16:18:00.000-04:00

There actually won't be any network programming on Kongye's TiVo tonight because it's Opening Night and even though Kongye will watch this game live (Club Gold level center ice, bitches!), she still needs to relive the experience in on TV when she gets home or delete the game angrily should we lose.

With that being said, here are the shows that will be watched through a combination of non-conflicting TiVoing and downloading:

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA- 10pm, FX- The only show Kongye made sure to get on the TiVo. We at the blog love this shit. I think tonight is the episode that we saw online before the season started- "Mac is a Serial Killer." Really funny shit. Watch out for Dee, Dennis, a new friend, and a Fraggle Rock lunchbox.
UGLY BETTY- 8pm, ABC- This show has its moments. Hopefully it'll go into crazy territory again because last week was too sappy and predictable.
GREY'S ANATOMY-9pm, ABC- This show is pretty much obligatory. Something happened when I watched this show last week- I found myself getting all emotional even though I knew they were manipulating me. At least the medical stuff is still pretty cool. I pretty much tune out whenever they start talking about their endless, trivial romantic struggles.
ER- 10pm, NBC- I've been watching this since I was a kid. There's nothing and no one on this show that keeps me interested at this point, but it's a habit that I don't really want to break.
LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT-10pm, USA- Let's check out how far the production values on the worst L&O franchise have fallen now that it's moved to cable.
DRAWN TOGETHER-10:30, Comedy Central- I don't remember if I liked this. The jokes are so obvious and I feel like the writing staff is made up entirely on 14-year-old boys. I guess I'll watch tonight and see if it's any better.

See you after the game for a blog update. LET'S GO RANGERS!

Gossip Girl Episode 3 Preview

2007-10-03T14:45:00.000-04:00

Oh Cumface, I heart you

Just finished watching the latest episode of Gossip Girl. This one was a little weak on the elements I like to mock most so I'll just offer a recap and some observations.

-NEWS FLASH: The Gossip Girl kids go to school this week! In fact, the entire episode is about stuff like getting into college and mental health issues. How dare they.
-Why the fuck is Blair wearing this to play field hockey? More importantly, why is she the only one on the field that gets to dress up in full Lolita garb? Is the school in on this whole Blair is a cocktease joke? Here's a screencap of girly fighting for our male readers:

I got maximum panty action for you

-Since when is a swanky rehab center a charity? I think I'll go donate some money to Promises now.
-Cumface/Nate hookup watch (now with visual aids): Check out this compilation of the last 2 episodes. This week Nate is sleeping with his head towards Chuck, wearing less clothing, and Cumface has gotten rid of girl from the night before so that there will be nothing in the way if/when Nate wakes up with some urges. By episode 5 the phone will vibrate and we'll pan to a shot of these guys spooning.

-Cumface scoreboard: He hooks up with a Princeton admissions rep off-camera and gets shot down by Blair again. I'm inclined to not give him points for either as the cougar was unconfirmed and he probably doesn't like Blair that much because he didn't even try to rape her. We'll call it a wash this week and award no points. Score stands at Cumface:3 Nate-substitutes:2

Here's a quick recap of the episode. Until I'm able to finish the coding to make this hidden, I'm just putting this part in black text to be invisible. Highlight below to view episode recap.
SPOILER WARNING
This week's big event is an Ivy League mixer. Dan really wants to be the usher for Dartmouth because that's his dream school and the rep is a writer he really likes. Nate's father wants him to be the Dartmouth usher. Nate isn't into it but gets the position anyway because of legacy. Dan is pissed. Meanwhile, Chuck continues to be his charming self (see video) and becomes the Yale usher. Later he switches to be the Princeton usher so he can screw that rep.
Blair and Serena fight. They have a catfight during field hockey, then B sends Chuck to spy on S to get dirt on her. He finds her going to her brother's treatment center and thinks that S is there for rehab. At the party B selects the treatment center as the beneficiary of the school's charity and makes a speech about how the center has helped S get off drugs- for now (snap!) S gets up and pretends that she really was getting treatment there in order to protect her brother. B thinks she's won, then S's brother tells her the truth and she suddenly grows a soul- I'm not buying it.
Serena's brother confides in Dan's sister about his attempted suicide and they become friends (soon to be lovers). After Serena pretends she was in rehab Jenny tells Dan the truth and he realizes that despite still being a shallow moron, S has a heart of gold. They tentatively make plans that may or may not be romantic. At the end of the episode B and S have a bonding moment. It's very special. The End.
Oh, Nate does some stuff in this episode. The idea is that he doesn't want to go to Dartmouth and he's doing stuff to sabotage his chances of getting in; but his dad keeps pushing him. I don't care about this plotline, can Nate just question his sexuality already and give us something to blog about?

Presented without comment...

2007-10-03T00:18:00.000-04:00

The following clip from the casting special for season two of VH1's I Love New York:

You better believe I am currently working on compiling my thoughts on this episode for a later post.

Journeyman Episode 2

2007-10-02T23:39:00.000-04:00

So I gave Journeyman another shot to be less boring and it screwed it up. This latest episode was so boring and endless that I could only get through it in several parts. A few things I noticed

1) Dan needs to use Google instead of "Finder Spyder"
Look Dan: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=trevor+mason&btnG=Google+Search
2) Dan has some serious boundary issues with the people he time-stalks.
3) People are way too nice to the creepy, clingy guy that never ages and tries to tell them what to do every time he sees them- even though it's only once a decade.
4) This show is sending us not-at-all-cryptic messages to compensate for its convoluted storylines: "fate never comes through the front door." No shit, but fate also shouldn't go up to the roof, rappel down to your neighbour's apartment, break into there, and then make a hole in the wall to get into your house.

I'd also like to send some notes to whoever or whatever is sending Dan on his "missions." There are much easier ways of achieving the same results.
Episode 1: Send Dan directly to the burning bus full of third world peasants and trust that he won't be too much of a fuck-up to save them.
Episode 2: Just find someone who is a bone marrow match to that guy, send him/her on a time travel mission directly to that guy complaining about his cancer and saying how much he needs bone marrow. If you don't let the time traveller go home until he/she gives marrow, they'll eventually comply.

I Know What I'm Getting Phallic for Christmas

2007-10-02T22:54:00.000-04:00

It's happened.

I found this ad while perusing one of my weeklies. While I don't want to promote douchebaggery, you should check out their website for the full range of "eye-catching" colors that these brilliant, practical glasses come in.

LINK

Cavemen Review- What Do You Expect Me To Say About This?

2007-10-02T16:38:00.001-04:00

Listen, it's really not worth my time to review this and it's not worth your time to read a review of it. Cavemen is based on the Geico commercials. Just like the ads (which were maybe clever the first couple of times you saw them in 30 second format), it's a heavy-handed, poorly executed metaphor for race relations. I wish this show was so bad it was good; but it's not. I watched the pilot over the summer and really couldn't believe the lack of effort that had been put into this. If this hasn't been drastically reshot the pilot will feature the Cavemen going to a Western-themed country club barbecue and the final scene will feature a truly pathetic attempt to do outrageous slapstick resulting in one of the cavemen accidentally ending up looking like the Cavemen stereotype. It's stupid, it's not social commentary, and it doesn't need to pollute our airwaves.

Verdict: I can't believe this was even picked up. It'll be gone soon.
Would I Watch It? No way.

What's on Kongye's TiVo- Thank God I Have Other Plans Edition

2007-10-02T16:19:00.000-04:00

Overall tonight is going to be a poor night of programming. There isn't much on and the stuff that is there isn't all that exciting. This is a good night for it, since I'll have to catch up on this stuff when I get home late tonight.

CAVEMEN- 8pm, ABC- Review to follow. May as well see if they made a completely new pilot so that it's not as offensively horrendous as their last attempt.
CARPOOLERS- 8:30, ABC- Probably the only episode of this shows I'll ever watch. The pilot wasn't available at Paley or online, so I'm stuck with watching this crap with the masses.
BONES- 8pm, Fox- "Except for babies. Babies taste a lot like fish." Bones is so cannibal obsessed, let's see if they can find a way to put one into this week's episode.
REAPER- 9pm, The CW- Promising pilot, let's see where they go from there.
DANCING WITH THE STARS- 9pm, ABC- 59 minutes of filler, then Mark Cuban will be sent home. I do want to applaud this show for its new "Masters of Dance" series, which promised to showcase the best dancers from various genres on results nights. I hope they keep it up with deserving guests and I hope that dance snobs can refrain from bitching that the people who come on DwtS have sold out.
LAW & ORDER: SVU- 10pm, NBC- SVU was a surprise highlight of my week last Tuesday night. Let's see if they can raise the crazy bar again this week.

HOUSE- Sorry Greg House, your ratings are too high and your last episode too boring. You have been demoted to torrent status. Give me a good week or two and you may get your spot on my TiVo back.

Reviewing Monday's Shows

2007-10-02T15:42:00.000-04:00

PRISON BREAK- This show is so boring now. Even the minor crises that they write in for each episode have gotten mundane and silly. Wenty spent all episode trying to use a cell phone. Then despite the fact that he went to a lot of effort to put it back where he found it, bitch was too stupid to delete the outgoing call to his brother from the call log? He'll never escape from his ever-more-preposterous circumstances with that lack of attention to detail. I was also right about Sara. The producers aren't even being good about writing that actress out. This week we were subjected to a body double seen from behind and a vocal performer that sounded nothing like the original Sara. Linc also continues to make me wonder how someone so stupid with such a penchant for violence could have survived as long as he has. There are chimps that are three steps ahead of him in every situation.

DANCING WITH THE STARS- They're getting a little too cute with the music now. Mark Cuban has danced to money-themed songs two weeks in a row, Newton gets music about Vegas, and we're being not so subtly reminded of Jennie Garth's 90210 pedigree with the combination of "Uptown Girl" last week and that KT Tunstall song that tells us that she's a beautiful girl. In an effort to have absolutely no effect on the outcome of eliminations, the judges gave every couple the same score and didn't make a single coherent, dance-related criticism all night. The only thing that kept from from falling asleep completely was The Houghness, who had his manhood questioned by Jennie before she executed a brutal takedown on the dance floor. Don't bruise the fruit, Garth.

THE GAME- I was so confused by this show. It was like a Tyler Perry movie, I think. I've never seen one of those and I now know why. I just don't understand anyone's reactions to things. The first 10 minutes was an irrationally angry woman chewing out her boyfriend at a crowded party while "Irreplaceable" played in the background, followed by a guy with Rick James hair getting beat up by the boyfriend. It was.....special. Only good line of the night: "On second thought, I hope you didn't use a condom. You deserve whatever you get." It was so Maury.

WEEDS- Justin Kirk's feet need to stay off-camera for the rest of the run of this show. Oh, and why is Brooke Smith in every show this fall?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER- Mmmmm, NPH so needs to join the gay rodeo because he looks fierce in Western shirts. EDIT: I just rewatched parts of this episode and he doesn't wear cowboy attire, I must have been projecting my fantasies again. The non-Barney humans were quite entertaining this week, too. Good episode.

ALIENS IN AMERICA- See my previous post.

Aliens in America Update

2007-10-02T12:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I said I wasn't sure about the recasting on Aliens in America. Last night I was able to watch the new version of the pilot, and I have to say it was completely unsettling. Don't take my word for it; compare them for yourself. Here are two scenes featuring the dad that demonstrate how this is like a whole new show with the cast change. In this first scene the old dad plays it like he's Justin's bitch, while Scott Patterson looks like he's gonna beat the kid down for messing with his breakfast time.

This second scene entertained me because you can tell the difference just by the props they give the two actors for their scene.

What's On Kongye's TiVo: Now With Even More BitTorrent Action

2007-10-01T19:50:00.000-04:00

Someone just asked him what he finds most sexy on a woman

PRISON BREAK- 8pm, Fox- According to the description "Determined to speak with Sara, Michael enlists T-Bag's help to get to the only phone in Sona." Something tells me that's not going to work out so well for him. This show is aggressively boring this season; but at least Wenty is slowly getting more naked.

DANCING WITH THE STARS-8pm, ABC- Why do I watch this? Take a look at the picture above and tell me if you could resist the magic of THE HOUGHNESS. I didn't think so.

THE GAME- 9:30, The CW- My TiVo has an affirmative action policy (I'm kidding, please don't send angry letters). I have personal reasons for liking this show. Plus, there's nothing on at 9.

JOURNEYMAN- 10pm, NBC- I'm going to give Journeyman another week to show me what it has to offer. I'll let you know how that went later.

WEEDS- 10pm, Showtime- This show just keeps getting better. I have no idea what's going to happen this week; but last week ended with Mary Louise Parker getting eaten out by her boss and the discovery of her DEA-agent husband's body. That's as good a set-up as I could ask for.

*****NEW FEATURE*********

WHAT PIRATED MATERIAL WILL BE ON KONGYE'S HARD DRIVE?

Since TiVo only allows 2 programs to be recorded at the same time, there are occasions where Kongye has to enlist the assistance of BitTorrent to watch quality programming that slips through the cracks. The criteria for what goes on the box and what gets downloaded has nothing to do with which show Kongye likes more or what show is better. As a general rule 1 hour programs get TiVoed because they take longer to DL and because its less efficient to set smaller timeframes on the DVR. Beyond that, it's really just a random judgment call based on what is most readily available online at the fastest speeds.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER- NPH just keeps getting better. Last week was chock full of Barney goodness and this week he puts on an accent! I'll be watching this long before I get to the other stuff I'm actually recording in the 8pm timeslot.

ALIENS IN AMERICA- We'll be checking out the new cast of this one to see if it's improved the show or made it worse. Stay tuned for the results.

Aliens in America Review

2007-10-01T18:53:00.001-04:00

Let’s get back in the swing of the blog with a fresh review. Also added today is my supplement to Phallic’s Moonlight review. That was inserted in a way that makes some chronological sense. Check it out if you’re interested.

Today we take a look at ALIENS IN AMERICA. Premiering tonight on The CW, Aliens is a new single-camera half-hour sitcom. The premise of this show is that a geeky Midwestern kid’s parents decide to import a foreign exchange student to befriend him and make him more popular. To their horror they get a traditional Muslim from Pakistan instead of a hunky WASP. It stars a sweet, if questionably talented, Dan Byrd as awkward Justin Tolchuk.
This show is pretty innocuous. It has some funny moments, and at times it’s quite smart. While I think the show itself will be decent, I didn’t necessarily enjoy the pilot on its own merits. The pacing was inconsistent and I didn’t feel like it had found its voice or tone yet. There were many sentimental scenes; but there are also quite a few crude jokes, too. Both worked individually, they just didn’t blend well together. There is a subplot about Justin’s sister that generates some fantastic comedy. Both Phallic and I felt that an early scene where school bullies tell Justin what they would do to Claire if she was their sister was the funniest thing in the pilot. On the other side of the spectrum, the scenes where we get emotional with these characters are also well done, even if slightly out of place. Raja is just so unrealistically perfect, with the most obviously heart-tugging of all back stories that he floats angelically on a different plane than these other people. For a show that’s trying to make the point that despite our cultural differences we are all the same, that isn’t a good thing.
Also worth noting is that the father has been recast here. Having seen the original pilot, I don’t understand this move at all. The new father is Scott Patterson from Gilmore Girls. I understand The CW’s impulse to keep this guy with their network after the end of that show. He probably has a certain fan base that will be really excited about this move. However, Patterson isn’t at all suitable for this role as written. In the pilot the dad is an older version of the son. He’s a gawky, nerdy Wisconsin accountant type. The dad’s main personality feature is that he’s obsessed with supplementing his income with stupid schemes. I’m not sure what CW execs were thinking on this one.

Verdict: This showed some definite promise from the pilot. In they can figure out what they want this show to be and keep it simple, this could be one of the better family-friendly comedies on TV. As far as the show’s future goes, I’m not too sure. With a midseason replacement in the half hour format already in the can at The CW (Eight Days a Week), Aliens will have to perform strongly in the middle of 3 shows that generate no common audience (all from the former UPN). Even if it makes it past the first season, you then have the problem of figuring out how to keep the exchange around an extra year to further the plot.

Would I Watch It? Too early to tell.

Enough Already

2007-10-01T18:17:00.001-04:00

The authors of this blog just had a short debate about whether we would blog about Britney Spears losing custody of her kids. Here's what we said, and that's all there will be on the matter in this blog.

PHALLIC: are we blogging this?
KONGYE: i'm not even sure i care anymore
PHALLIC : yeah, see i'm not either
KONGYE: i think this bitch is so fucking stupid she thinks any attention is better than none
KONGYE: so she puts on this little trainwreck show so the photographers will follow her around
KONGYE: she gets off on it
KONGYE: and she's not even a bad mom
KONGYE: she's just a self-centered, shallow pig
KONGYE: who thinks that her need to have people talk about her is more important than the two playthings she hatched
PHALLIC: i think we'd be playing into her narcissistic schemes by giving her attention
KONGYE: the fact of the matter is that she just pisses me off now
KONGYE: it was fun for a while
KONGYE: which i guess is horrible on my part
KONGYE: but now it's just too much

More KANYE

2007-09-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

Listen Kanye, stop being self-aware and making fun of your persona. That is my job. Do you see me making videos that rip off Akira? Do I walk around Tokyo markets looking for venetian blinds I can wear as sunglasses?

Finally I understand why Kanye is always wearing sunglasses indoors: he is a modern Samson. His power is in those dark lenses. Watch as Kanye removes his glasses and immediately forgets the words to his own song.