Moonlight review - I'd say it sucks, but that's just too obvious

"Being a vampire sucks"

Yes, that is the actual first line of Moonlight. It's got a pseudo-documentary opening wherein Mick St. John, vampire, is interviewed about being a vampire. He immediately launches into a monologue that might have well been stolen directly from Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon's comic Preacher wherein a vampire explains how he is invincible to garlic, holy water, crosses, being staked in the heart, and he cannot turn himself into a bat. Mick is a vampire detective who solves vampire crimes in LA while trying to make sure that nobody finds out that vampires exist. He spends this episode hunting down someone who is murdering vapid goth whores for screwing their college professor who leads a vampire cult.

Remember when I mentioned that dialogue was stolen directly from a comic in the first scene of this episode? Well, later "And Death shall have no Dominion" by John Donne gets name-dropped by the leader of the vampire cult. Oh, guess what, No Dominion was Charlie Huston's second Joe Pitt novel. What kind of character is Joe Pitt, you may ask? Oh, just A VAMPIRE DETECTIVE.

God, I can't even bring myself to mock this, there's nothing going on. I'm 40 minutes in, and there's nothing interesting or entertaining happening here, just a leaden string of shitty post-Blade/Anne Rice vampire cliches. Their idea of originality is having Mick shoot up blood instead of drinking it. Oh, blood drinking is like alcoholism/drug addiction that's never been done before by EVERY VAMPIRE MOVIE EVER. Also, to top of the overwhelming goth idiocy of this, the emotional final sequence is set to fucking Evanescence.

Now that the episode's done, I feel I should also mention that Shannyn Sossamon shows up playing pretty much the exact same character as she did in Dirt, an insanely clingy girlfriend figure for the male protagonist who tries to drive him to the dark side. The only difference is last time she was a schizophrenic hallucination and this time she's a vampire. Also, Dirt was actually entertaining.

This show didn't screen at CBS's pilots, meaning they somehow had even less confidence in this than Viva Laughlin!, and that's a show where they've already fired one of the producers before the first episode has even aired.

Verdict: Blah blah we're vampires blah blah I can never get close to anyone because I'm a monster blah blah OH MY GOD WHO CARES. I can't even begin to explain how boring this show is, but I don't think either of us made it more than halfway through this episode before we stopped paying attention. You may wonder why I am posting a picture of Uwe Boll here. That is because he made Bloodrayne, a vampire movie that is currently ranked at #97 on the IMDb Bottom 100 list, yet still manages to be roughly 100 times more entertaining than anything on display in the festival of failure that was the pilot of Moonlight.

Would I Watch It? Dear god no.