Phallic's Bad Porn reviews - Kim Kardashian Superstar

"Celebrity" and "star" used in the loosest sense possible.

Ah, I remember clearly my initial reaction when it was announced that Kim Kardashian's sex tape with Ray J had leaked. I believe it was "Who the fuck are Kim Kardashian and Ray J?"

Apparently, the answer is simple: Nobody, and there is absolutely no reason to care. From what I gather they're both celebrity parasites whose existences were only acknowledged because they associated themselves with other more famous people. So anyway, I downloaded a rip of the DVD that Vivid video paid someone $1 million for. Damn, those idiots got ripped off, because this shit sucks. The following is a review of the roughly 2 minutes of this DVD I actually watched while skipping through the rip in Windows Media Player:

This is some aesthetically offensive porn, let's make that clear. Like virtually all celebrity sex tapes, it's poorly lit, poorly shot, and profoundly unerotic. I mean seriously, presumably you're taping this to masturbate to later, so you could at least set up the camera at an angle where there was something worth jerking off to. Further adding to the shittiness of this, as far as I can tell, Kardashian never removes her bra. That's right, this is a porno with no tits in it. No breasts and ineptly framed penetration; surefire keys to an erotic masterpiece.

So aside from the general shit-tastic nature of the footage, there's the horrible editing job Vivid pulled with this. Apparently they decided that what the frankly boring sex footage needed to spice it up was random paparazzi footage of Kardashian entering awards ceremonies and such. So even if you can start to get into this despite how bad it is, every few minutes you're going to be interrupted by non-pornographic footage inserted solely to pad the running time. Speaking of padding the running time, there's at least one scene where they repeat an entire sex clip with the picture reversed so you get to watch the same footage you just finished in a mirror image. God this sucks.

Anyway, I leave you with the following totally heterosexual quote from T-Pain regarding the tape:“There aren’t too many men that can go after Ray-J. The man’s got a huge meat okay. He’s short the man is packing know what I’m saying. He’s got length on him, he’s got length…I got the width, shit is wide. It’s just, he got a foot on him, he may have a foot on him. Much respect Ray. Man to man no homo. I know when respect is due…man is swanging. Ya’ll seen that shit, ya’ll know the man is swanging.”

Hopefully this will be engraved on Ray J's tombstone, as this is certainly the only memorable thing he will ever accomplish in his life.