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We were beginning to worry about our man Cumface. He didn't even appear in one episode, then last week he completely bewildered us. We're not just talking about the fact that he fell for that ridiculous ruse. We never claimed that Chuck Bass was a genius, or even thinking with his brain. We were shocked because Cumface almost engaged in decidedly unCumtastic behaviour: he tried to have consensual sex with a girl his own age without first getting her too drunk to know better, coercing her by threatening her job, or paying her. It was definitely an all-time low for Chucky. This week he and his writers completely redeemed themselves. First, we got more Cumface than ever. Then not only does he deliver the most satisfying sexual conquest I could have possibly imagined in the closing frames of this installment, but he gets his dad to buy him a harem just before that. In fact, even before it looks like he's in the market to buy, he test-driving all the cars on the lot. Welcome back, old friend. We have missed you so.

If you don't want to be half-spoiled (although if you didn't figure out this was coming from the trailer last week or from the first 2 minutes of tonight's episode, you've got some problems), don't watch this video. If you just can't wait to see one of our girls strip, just hit play.

I've gotta say, her dancing is about as technically proficient and sexy as Britney at the VMAs. The fact that she's not a fat slob and the favourable editing help this lethargic non-dance out quite a bit. Mostly it's enjoyable because you so know what's coming next and you just can't wait.

We're Back!

"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."

By we I mean the blog and Gossip Girl. It is currently 7:30am at Blog Central and Kongye has been up all night catching up on Nip/Tuck and getting her advanced peak at GG. Since she really ought to be in bed, Kongye will deliver the 30 second summary of last night.

It's the start of November sweeps in the Gossip Girl world and with teen soaps that could mean only one thing: it's time for everyone to get it on (rather predictably). More specifics in hidden mode.

Dan and Serena spend all episode obsessing over whether or not they're going to fuck. Dan's worried about it and Serena keeps mounting him like he's the top stallion at the equestrian club. So of course at the end she suddenly decides she can't have sex with him because "no one has ever looked at her like [he] did," then they gently cuddle. How vomit-inducing.

Nathan and Blair continue to not screw. In fact, they break up. More on that later.

I'm pretty sure everyone is fucking Jenny- just off screen. She walks around looking like one of her sugar daddies Vanessa left the butt plug in all episode. Maybe it's because we "discover" her mom is doing her neighbour and her parents are getting a divorce. Didn't we find this out about 4 episodes ago? Jenny must be real dim to only figure this one out now. Jenny needs to get back to plotting to make a Blair skin suit to wear to the Winter Formal so I can like her again.

Speaking of Lady Cumface.....
It's finally happened. The TV gods have answered my prayers. Ever since I anointed Ms. Blair Waldorf Lady Cumface, I have dreamed of the royal coupling of the Lord and Lady du Cum. I imagined their Cumtastic spawn inheriting the Earth and plunging us into a period of unprecedented prosperity and douchebaggery. Tonight's mating- most reminiscent of the Species movies- was not as Earth-shattering as I had hoped. The producers were somewhat vague as to how far the union had actually gone. However, kudos to the writing staff for setting the scene in the back of the Chuckmaster's limo, giving Blair a literal pearl necklace to go with the figurative one she'd get a few minutes later, and making sure that she sort of became one of Chuck's employees before they got it on.

In summary, this was some great TV. Unlike some of their fellow strikers (I'm looking at you writing staffs of the entire CBS Primetime lineup), the GG writers have my endorsement to stay out there as long as they need to- as long as they come back in time to write more Cumface love before the show runs out of existing scripts. More coverage of this episode when I wake up later today. As if my attempt at writing 30 second summary turning into a 10 minute summary didn't tip you off, this show was chock full of goodness this week and it'll generate quite a bit of content.

P.S.: Phallic, you were wrong on the cherry girl in the trailer for this episode. It wasn't her.




WARNING- HUGE SPOILER BELOW

NBC Has Low Standards

NBC recently gave all of its new fall series additional script orders. As you all know, I didn't like any of their slate. The only show I've watched past the pilot is Journeyman, and that's only because there's nothing on at that time and I enjoy making fun of its insane time travel solutions to simple problems. The numbers on these shows are also pretty unimpressive.
The only conclusion we can draw from this, and this has been obvious for quite a while, is that NBC is desperate for anything that isn't a complete failure. When your numbers are in the toilet anyway, you start to see the light at the end of the sewer tunnel.
On the other side of the spectrum, the season premiere of FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS was amazing. Something I've come to expect from this program. Also as expected, the numbers sucked again. I'm constantly amazed that people will sit through inane, badly-produced crap like Heroes while good TV dies a slow, painful death.
Good luck to NBC's slate-o-schlock. May it pollute our collective TV screens for years to come.

P.S.: CBS gave script orders on the new show that we don't about here in blog land. If they order a full season, they're going to have to shell out so much money on guyliner.

Chuck- I Want My Hour Back

Wait, is this not, like, the same show? Dude, I was confused by the totally wicked writing and, you know, the fact that you've already stunt-cast that brunette chick.


NBC has high hopes for Chuck. It’s getting really great reviews. This is another one of the shows that I was able to watch over the summer and then again at the Paley Center. Having seen it twice now, I can honestly say I think it’s one of the most shrill, annoying, self-congratulatory pilots I’ve watched in quite some time. Chuck is about a college-dropout computer geek who works as a supervisor of a Nerd Herd in an electronics store. He’s pathetic, lonely, and has no future. One night, for reasons that the show will probably never bother to explain to us, his former college roommate who became a secret agent for NSA (or the FBI or the CIA, who the fuck cares) sent him an email containing a file that when opened downloaded the contents of a supercomputer into Chuck’s head. Apparently there was only one copy of this supercomputer thingy hanging around and when the NSA or FBI or CIA or whichever one of those his roommate wasn’t working for killed his former roommate, they destroyed that copy so now Chuck is it. Oh, have I mentioned that for some reason the CIA and NSA (one of those two is possibly the FBI, I don’t care enough) are violently fighting each other on this show? They kill each other’s agents and damage large sections of Los Angeles and Washington in the process. Office politics can be such a bitch. One of those organizations then sends a hot chick (of course it has to be a hot chick) to kill and/ or protect him. The other government organization sends Adam Baldwin to kill both of them for no reason that’s readily explained.

If that description sounded convoluted and confusing to you, don’t worry. Chuck doesn’t concern itself with things like “logic” and “explaining plot holes.” This show is all about having the producers sit in a room and say “Oh, aren’t we so clever and hip.” There are frequent explosions, car chases, women in lingerie, ninjas, and climactic bomb-disarmings thrown in to keep the mostly ADD-afflicted, douchebag audience happy. I kept hoping that Adam Baldwin would actually just kill everyone and rip off his face to reveal the robot underneath. There is not a single interesting, attractive, funny, or inventive character on this show. Chuck is such a waste of space. He’s supposed to be some kind of lovable loser; but he’s actually just devoid of any personality whatsoever. Any glimmers of action he ever has (I think they show that he’s a nice guy by having him help a dad recreate a little girl’s dance recital) are just completely generic and mundane. He’s also very quietly bitter and has this giant victim complex about his college roommate and his college girlfriend and how they’ve ruined his life. Why would I want to watch a show set around him? The worst part of this show is that it thinks it’s witty. It thinks it has elevated TV to some amazing level and it really hasn’t.

Verdict: The same people of questionable taste who tune in to Heroes every week will eat this shit up. It’s a lead-in to that show, so they can plop their lazy asses on the couch at 8pm and turn their brains off completely until at least 10 (unless they also tune into the next show we’ll be reviewing; in which case, make that 11)

Would I Watch It? I’m making a Chuck voodoo doll already. Where do I stick pins in
for cancellation? I hate NBC.