The Sweet Sound of Sarcasm

Of the many TV obsessions Kongye has, none are closer to her heart than Pat Kiernan of NY1 news. Each morning Pat reads to the population of NYC as if we were a group of learning-disabled preschoolers.
His daily segment is perfect for those of us who enjoy reading the paper; but find it too daunting. Thank you Pat, you are an American hero.

Discover the joys of Pat for yourself:
http://www.ny1.com/ny1/OnTheAir/in_the_papers.jsp

This one goes out to Kongye

Kongye's New Love

We love Rhydian. After watching these clips, we're pretty sure you will, too. We are please to bring you Rhydian's journey into the hearts and souls of the British public.

He starts off a little slow by Rhydian standards, singing Meatloaf with only a sequin jacket. If anything, the audience members trying to stone him to death using roses and Sharon "I'm Off My Meds" Osbourne upstage him in the crazy department.



That wasn't understated, you say? Once you watch Rhydian in Week 2, you may be singing a different tune. Meanwhile, Rhydian's tune: about the same:

Yes, it's every little boy's dream to sing Phantom of the Opera and meet Celine Dion. Somewhere in Wales, Rhydian's father is drinking himself into oblivion and clutching his old rugby medals.

Just when we thought Rhydian couldn't reach a higher summit, he did this:

Never Mind the Buzzcocks

One major reason for the recent slowdown in blog production has been my addiction to British comedy. More on that later. For now enjoy this gem from my favourite music/comedy/panel discussion/quiz shows: Never Mind the Buzzcocks (I don't know any other music/comedy/ panel discussion/quiz shows; but I'm sure if they existed they wouldn't be as good as Buzzcocks). In this clip host Simon Amstell may have hit a nerve with the legal department.

I love how it takes a good 5 seconds for the full meaning of that to hit Noel Fielding and you can just see his expression change. In addition to Fielding, the guests included Arrested Development's David Cross and Jermaine Jackson. Every time Simon spoke to Jackson, he asked a somewhat offensive question about the family, his plastic surgery, or his religion. So basically it was a typical visit to the Buzzcocks set.

Now, with no transition at all, enjoy this Mighty Boosh clip:

The Game- Abridged Edition

Below is the latest episode of The Game, in an easier-to-digest 3 minute format. Clearly the other 19 minutes are completely unnecessary. Enjoy.

(The in the last clip is the cartoonist, I know you were all agonizing not knowing)

Now I'm sure they're going for social commentary with this; but I just find it confusing and surreal.

"White people read it, too"

"Ooh, this is serious"

Yes, yes it is.

Question: Why does everybody on this show speak normally and this guy respond in Ebonics every time? You'd think if he lives in a world where no one else talks that way he'd eventually catch on and realize he can drop the act.

Gossip Girl vs. Game Geek: Who will win?

So Kongye didn't specifically mention this, but as stated in the second clip they uploaded, Serena and Vanessa compete with each other while playing Guitar Hero II on an Xbox 360. Serena apparently racks up an unbelievably high score on Freebird. Vanessa responds that Freebird is nothing and she's about to blow Serena away with her performance on Cherry Pie.

There's just one problem with this statement: On a difficulty scale of 1 to 8, with 8 being the hardest, Cherry Pie ranks as a 2 in Guitar Hero II. By contrast, Freebird is the hardest fucking song in the entire game.

Considering that pretty much anybody who's ever played Guitar Hero II would know this and that's pretty much the majority of their demographic right there, I honestly wonder who they thought they were fooling with that scene.

You Know What's Coming

It's Wednesday. Time for our weekly Gossip Girl preview. Only 8 hours until it airs, so no spoilers from Kongye. You guys can wait. As for observations...

Blair is officially the star of this show. She has left a bloody trail of acting careers on her way to the top. This week she completely overtook Chuck as the main attraction. In fact, Cumface has gone positively soft since entering the promised land last week. It is now clear why Nate is such a lifeless bore- obviously Blair's pussy is secreting some sort of nerve agent slowly killing her suitors, starting with their personalities. The toxin is most potent in oral dosage- a means of delivery Nate likely got all too familiar with all those long, frustrating nights with B.
As much as I want Cumface to escape with his absence of shame intact, the prospect of Lord and Lady Cumface joining forces for evil permanently is too good to pass up. We got one step closer at the end of tonight's episode; but the Unholy Union is shaping up to be unbearably prophetic for our rapist in shining armour. Dare I say he's showing a glimmer of a soul of late? This is not the character arc I'm watching Gossip Girl for. Here's one of the night's best scenes- it also happens to be the first:


Edited out of that: a scene featuring Serena, Dan, and Vanessa interacting. The main subplot of tonight's episode is that Vanessa wants to get to know Serena so that they can all hang out together more often without awkwardness. I wouldn't so much call that a subplot as an overt threat to my sanity. As horrifying as you would think these three interacting would be, the reality is so much worse. It just builds all episode into a climax that made me thankful I didn't have a weapon handy to destroy the screen that was unfortunate enough to bring me these images. Why haven't these producers dealt with Blake Lively yet? Her acting is straight out of a junior high drama class. There is no way that many "umm"s are written into the script and what kind of director allows a take with 5 in a 30 second period to be used? Here is the offending scene between Vannesa and Serena. While free of Blake's trademark disfluency, her annoying speech pattern is all too apparent. As is her inability to recognize intonation and correct emphasis, as well as complete discomfort with having arms. She just can't figure out what to do with those suckers.
WARNING: The following scene may be inappropriate for small children and all sentient beings. Watch at your own risk...

BEST ANDRE CLIP EVER

This week on America's Most Smartest Model, we were treated to a little more of Andre's deep philosophy:

Just to clarify, there was NO CONTEXT for this to be taken out of.

More Preview

We were beginning to worry about our man Cumface. He didn't even appear in one episode, then last week he completely bewildered us. We're not just talking about the fact that he fell for that ridiculous ruse. We never claimed that Chuck Bass was a genius, or even thinking with his brain. We were shocked because Cumface almost engaged in decidedly unCumtastic behaviour: he tried to have consensual sex with a girl his own age without first getting her too drunk to know better, coercing her by threatening her job, or paying her. It was definitely an all-time low for Chucky. This week he and his writers completely redeemed themselves. First, we got more Cumface than ever. Then not only does he deliver the most satisfying sexual conquest I could have possibly imagined in the closing frames of this installment, but he gets his dad to buy him a harem just before that. In fact, even before it looks like he's in the market to buy, he test-driving all the cars on the lot. Welcome back, old friend. We have missed you so.

If you don't want to be half-spoiled (although if you didn't figure out this was coming from the trailer last week or from the first 2 minutes of tonight's episode, you've got some problems), don't watch this video. If you just can't wait to see one of our girls strip, just hit play.

I've gotta say, her dancing is about as technically proficient and sexy as Britney at the VMAs. The fact that she's not a fat slob and the favourable editing help this lethargic non-dance out quite a bit. Mostly it's enjoyable because you so know what's coming next and you just can't wait.

We're Back!

"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."

By we I mean the blog and Gossip Girl. It is currently 7:30am at Blog Central and Kongye has been up all night catching up on Nip/Tuck and getting her advanced peak at GG. Since she really ought to be in bed, Kongye will deliver the 30 second summary of last night.

It's the start of November sweeps in the Gossip Girl world and with teen soaps that could mean only one thing: it's time for everyone to get it on (rather predictably). More specifics in hidden mode.

Dan and Serena spend all episode obsessing over whether or not they're going to fuck. Dan's worried about it and Serena keeps mounting him like he's the top stallion at the equestrian club. So of course at the end she suddenly decides she can't have sex with him because "no one has ever looked at her like [he] did," then they gently cuddle. How vomit-inducing.

Nathan and Blair continue to not screw. In fact, they break up. More on that later.

I'm pretty sure everyone is fucking Jenny- just off screen. She walks around looking like one of her sugar daddies Vanessa left the butt plug in all episode. Maybe it's because we "discover" her mom is doing her neighbour and her parents are getting a divorce. Didn't we find this out about 4 episodes ago? Jenny must be real dim to only figure this one out now. Jenny needs to get back to plotting to make a Blair skin suit to wear to the Winter Formal so I can like her again.

Speaking of Lady Cumface.....
It's finally happened. The TV gods have answered my prayers. Ever since I anointed Ms. Blair Waldorf Lady Cumface, I have dreamed of the royal coupling of the Lord and Lady du Cum. I imagined their Cumtastic spawn inheriting the Earth and plunging us into a period of unprecedented prosperity and douchebaggery. Tonight's mating- most reminiscent of the Species movies- was not as Earth-shattering as I had hoped. The producers were somewhat vague as to how far the union had actually gone. However, kudos to the writing staff for setting the scene in the back of the Chuckmaster's limo, giving Blair a literal pearl necklace to go with the figurative one she'd get a few minutes later, and making sure that she sort of became one of Chuck's employees before they got it on.

In summary, this was some great TV. Unlike some of their fellow strikers (I'm looking at you writing staffs of the entire CBS Primetime lineup), the GG writers have my endorsement to stay out there as long as they need to- as long as they come back in time to write more Cumface love before the show runs out of existing scripts. More coverage of this episode when I wake up later today. As if my attempt at writing 30 second summary turning into a 10 minute summary didn't tip you off, this show was chock full of goodness this week and it'll generate quite a bit of content.

P.S.: Phallic, you were wrong on the cherry girl in the trailer for this episode. It wasn't her.




WARNING- HUGE SPOILER BELOW

Those Crazy Finns

Damn, Kongye just missed this year's North American Championships. Looks like she and her boyfriend will have to train for next year's so they can prove once and for all that the Finnish are the inferior Scandinavians.

Phallic's Bad Porn reviews - Kim Kardashian Superstar

"Celebrity" and "star" used in the loosest sense possible.

Ah, I remember clearly my initial reaction when it was announced that Kim Kardashian's sex tape with Ray J had leaked. I believe it was "Who the fuck are Kim Kardashian and Ray J?"

Apparently, the answer is simple: Nobody, and there is absolutely no reason to care. From what I gather they're both celebrity parasites whose existences were only acknowledged because they associated themselves with other more famous people. So anyway, I downloaded a rip of the DVD that Vivid video paid someone $1 million for. Damn, those idiots got ripped off, because this shit sucks. The following is a review of the roughly 2 minutes of this DVD I actually watched while skipping through the rip in Windows Media Player:

This is some aesthetically offensive porn, let's make that clear. Like virtually all celebrity sex tapes, it's poorly lit, poorly shot, and profoundly unerotic. I mean seriously, presumably you're taping this to masturbate to later, so you could at least set up the camera at an angle where there was something worth jerking off to. Further adding to the shittiness of this, as far as I can tell, Kardashian never removes her bra. That's right, this is a porno with no tits in it. No breasts and ineptly framed penetration; surefire keys to an erotic masterpiece.

So aside from the general shit-tastic nature of the footage, there's the horrible editing job Vivid pulled with this. Apparently they decided that what the frankly boring sex footage needed to spice it up was random paparazzi footage of Kardashian entering awards ceremonies and such. So even if you can start to get into this despite how bad it is, every few minutes you're going to be interrupted by non-pornographic footage inserted solely to pad the running time. Speaking of padding the running time, there's at least one scene where they repeat an entire sex clip with the picture reversed so you get to watch the same footage you just finished in a mirror image. God this sucks.

Anyway, I leave you with the following totally heterosexual quote from T-Pain regarding the tape:“There aren’t too many men that can go after Ray-J. The man’s got a huge meat okay. He’s short the man is packing know what I’m saying. He’s got length on him, he’s got length…I got the width, shit is wide. It’s just, he got a foot on him, he may have a foot on him. Much respect Ray. Man to man no homo. I know when respect is due…man is swanging. Ya’ll seen that shit, ya’ll know the man is swanging.”

Hopefully this will be engraved on Ray J's tombstone, as this is certainly the only memorable thing he will ever accomplish in his life.