When it comes back in less than 2 weeks, Gossip Girl will officially be without one of its most important characters. That's right, Token A has left the show. In my very first review of the show, I picked Token A and Token B (A for Asian, B for black) as the ones to watch. They have more than lived up to my expectations. Each week they have proudly stood next to (yet 2 steps behind) all the big characters during all the most important scenes. Let us relive Token A's greatest moments on the show.
Here's Kongye's original review of Gossip Girl. Michael K. totally stole my idea! LINK
To be honest, I could pretty much see any combination of 2 Gossip Girl guys finally getting together. The homoerotic tension on that show is insane.
On a somewhat related note, there's been a certain theme to Kongye's posts lately. Perhaps it's the new job, the fact that several of Kongye's dancer friends are back from tour, or maybe just pure coincidence. To clarify: The Blog does not condone negative stereotypes of any kind. The Blog is a safe space of love and understanding...unless you're Diablo Cody, a consestant on a VH1 reality dating show, a born-again Christian, fat, ugly, or Alexander B. If you fit into any of those categories I suggest you stop reading this fucking blog. Then again, I can't imagine why any of those people would be here to begin with.
British Teens are So Much More Adorably Fucked Up Than American Ones
The next in the wave of obsession-worthy shows to return to the (foreign) airwaves this month is Skins- the spectacular British teen melodrama about a bunch of teens that do normal kid stuff. You know take drugs, have parties, sleep with their teachers, get forced to have sex with their sisters so that the thugs holding their sisters hostage will let them get medical treatment for an overdose of heroin that the thugs gave her. It's all very normal. This week, the kids stage a musical at their school. Also, a nerdy girl has a crush on a classmate. Having this back makes me not care at all when Gossip Girl is returning. For the record, still 4603070 seconds as of this posting.
Unfortunately this isn't broadcast in the U.S. Considering the majority of the cast was under 18 at the time of filming season 1, I don't think it has much of a chance of coming over. The only networks who would be able to show it probably wouldn't be interested. With that in mind, here's an entire episode, in 4 parts.
Australia now has its own version of SYTYCD. Naturall, Kongye has been watching religiously. SYTYCDAustralia has raised the stakes. They weren't satisfied with just some gay princes, they brought in the gay pirate king:
Thanks to BloggingSYTYCD, Kongye dug up this guy's last appearance on TV:
O M G. This week on Gossip Girl the unimaginable happened:
I really thought they would last. They're made for each other! The all-consuming lust between them in that scene was undeniable. It's ok, I'm sure they'll reconcile after the WGA hiatus and live happily ever after.
As for GG spoilers this week, you're out of shit out of luck from me. This episode was just too juicy and I need to make sure you are all paying attention tomorrow night. The only reason I put that clip up is because it was in last week's previews anyway.
God I love this show. One bit of advice, though. Try to watch this tape delayed on your TiVo so you can fast forward through every scene Serena is in- perhaps with the exception of her conversation with Chuck. Blake Lively is so insufferable. They need to Marissa Cooper her ass pronto. Rufus's scenes are also grating; but Rufe is just too cool to put down. He's a hot piece of tail and every brunette in NY knows it.
So I was on YouTube looking to see if there were other Rhydian videos to replace the ones I had embedded in my first Rhydian post, which were taken down for copyright infringement when I accidentally came across this backstage footage of the Rhydmonster. For the bit that made me explode in laughter, fast forward to about 1:50 in:
Until that unique display, I was really feeling bad for Rhydian. What context would people have to call him Hitler? I don't remember him talking about a master race the first week. I must've missed that bit
Despite being an uber-Jew (Chinese takeout on Christmas and all), Kongye did get some special Christmas gifts this year. Here's what the Blog's namesake, Sir Kanye West, got us:
Of the many TV obsessions Kongye has, none are closer to her heart than Pat Kiernan of NY1 news. Each morning Pat reads to the population of NYC as if we were a group of learning-disabled preschoolers. His daily segment is perfect for those of us who enjoy reading the paper; but find it too daunting. Thank you Pat, you are an American hero.
We love Rhydian. After watching these clips, we're pretty sure you will, too. We are please to bring you Rhydian's journey into the hearts and souls of the British public.
He starts off a little slow by Rhydian standards, singing Meatloaf with only a sequin jacket. If anything, the audience members trying to stone him to death using roses and Sharon "I'm Off My Meds" Osbourne upstage him in the crazy department.
That wasn't understated, you say? Once you watch Rhydian in Week 2, you may be singing a different tune. Meanwhile, Rhydian's tune: about the same:
Yes, it's every little boy's dream to sing Phantom of the Opera and meet Celine Dion. Somewhere in Wales, Rhydian's father is drinking himself into oblivion and clutching his old rugby medals.
Just when we thought Rhydian couldn't reach a higher summit, he did this:
We were beginning to worry about our man Cumface. He didn't even appear in one episode, then last week he completely bewildered us. We're not just talking about the fact that he fell for that ridiculous ruse. We never claimed that Chuck Bass was a genius, or even thinking with his brain. We were shocked because Cumface almost engaged in decidedly unCumtastic behaviour: he tried to have consensual sex with a girl his own age without first getting her too drunk to know better, coercing her by threatening her job, or paying her. It was definitely an all-time low for Chucky. This week he and his writers completely redeemed themselves. First, we got more Cumface than ever. Then not only does he deliver the most satisfying sexual conquest I could have possibly imagined in the closing frames of this installment, but he gets his dad to buy him a harem just before that. In fact, even before it looks like he's in the market to buy, he test-driving all the cars on the lot. Welcome back, old friend. We have missed you so.
If you don't want to be half-spoiled (although if you didn't figure out this was coming from the trailer last week or from the first 2 minutes of tonight's episode, you've got some problems), don't watch this video. If you just can't wait to see one of our girls strip, just hit play.
I've gotta say, her dancing is about as technically proficient and sexy as Britney at the VMAs. The fact that she's not a fat slob and the favourable editing help this lethargic non-dance out quite a bit. Mostly it's enjoyable because you so know what's coming next and you just can't wait.
"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."
By we I mean the blog and Gossip Girl. It is currently 7:30am at Blog Central and Kongye has been up all night catching up on Nip/Tuck and getting her advanced peak at GG. Since she really ought to be in bed, Kongye will deliver the 30 second summary of last night.
It's the start of November sweeps in the Gossip Girl world and with teen soaps that could mean only one thing: it's time for everyone to get it on (rather predictably). More specifics in hidden mode.
Dan and Serena spend all episode obsessing over whether or not they're going to fuck. Dan's worried about it and Serena keeps mounting him like he's the top stallion at the equestrian club. So of course at the end she suddenly decides she can't have sex with him because "no one has ever looked at her like [he] did," then they gently cuddle. How vomit-inducing.
Nathan and Blair continue to not screw. In fact, they break up. More on that later.
I'm pretty sure everyone is fucking Jenny- just off screen. She walks around looking like one of her sugar daddies Vanessa left the butt plug in all episode. Maybe it's because we "discover" her mom is doing her neighbour and her parents are getting a divorce. Didn't we find this out about 4 episodes ago? Jenny must be real dim to only figure this one out now. Jenny needs to get back to plotting to make a Blair skin suit to wear to the Winter Formal so I can like her again.
Speaking of Lady Cumface..... It's finally happened. The TV gods have answered my prayers. Ever since I anointed Ms. Blair Waldorf Lady Cumface, I have dreamed of the royal coupling of the Lord and Lady du Cum. I imagined their Cumtastic spawn inheriting the Earth and plunging us into a period of unprecedented prosperity and douchebaggery. Tonight's mating- most reminiscent of the Species movies- was not as Earth-shattering as I had hoped. The producers were somewhat vague as to how far the union had actually gone. However, kudos to the writing staff for setting the scene in the back of the Chuckmaster's limo, giving Blair a literal pearl necklace to go with the figurative one she'd get a few minutes later, and making sure that she sort of became one of Chuck's employees before they got it on.
In summary, this was some great TV. Unlike some of their fellow strikers (I'm looking at you writing staffs of the entire CBS Primetime lineup), the GG writers have my endorsement to stay out there as long as they need to- as long as they come back in time to write more Cumface love before the show runs out of existing scripts. More coverage of this episode when I wake up later today. As if my attempt at writing 30 second summary turning into a 10 minute summary didn't tip you off, this show was chock full of goodness this week and it'll generate quite a bit of content.
P.S.: Phallic, you were wrong on the cherry girl in the trailer for this episode. It wasn't her.
While searching for a link to TMZ's story on Andre, Kongye came upon this video of Nate and Cumface leaving Hotel Gansevoort after a hot, sweaty sex yoga session. The cameraman asks Ed if he has any “gossip about Gossip Girl.” I’m not sure if I admire him for ignoring the stupid pun and being casual or if I resent him for not smacking that guy upside the head and telling him how fucking stupid his question was. I think I’ve buried the lead, which is that despite the plot point previously mentioned, Ed Westwick is still in NYC. There’s no guarantee that he’s still on-set regularly; but it does give us hope for THE PLAN.
So Kongye and Phallic were out last night (I throw down a challenge to Phallic this time to blog about those adventures) and while sitting at Our Table at Our Bar, Kongye filled Phallic in on her plans for the future of The Blog. As loyal readers surely know, we are obsessed with Gossip Girl. New Jersey may run out of Riesling by the end of GG's first season at the rate Phallic is putting it down during each episode. Even more powerful than our love for the show is the love we feel towards Lord Cumface. Recent developments have brought us to the realization that Cummy has a real-life counterpart. This realization has led to THE PLAN. Sometime between now and the time Phallic and Kongye go back to their real jobs, we will infiltrate the GG set. THE PLAN has two components. We will return with some mementos and special surprises for our readers. More importantly, we will direct Ed Westwick to the blog, where he can read all the wonderful things we've said about him over the last 2 months. Should he not choose to take out a restraining order at that time or send large trannie hookers to kill us, we hope to get a love note about our coverage.
P.S.: If any of our readers have some connections that could get us onto the set in a more official capacity, get in touch with us. There could be something in it for you. P.P.S.: We hear Cumface will be departing in a future episode. We have no follow-up information pertaining to the length of his absence. We hope he returns quickly, as we will be starting a vigil as soon as he boards his plane/ helicopter/ sailboat/ giant turtle.
When Kongye mentioned Vanessa's wikipedia description, I remembered something... interesting, shall we say?
Dan Humphrey: "He has had several writing-related jobs, including a poem called "Sluts" published in the The New Yorker; an internship at Red Letter, a prominent literary magazine; and a short stint as songwriter/lead singer for indie-rock sensation The Raves."
Jenny Humphrey: "During her freshman year at Constance Billard, a very exclusive private school in New York City, she ruins her reputation by supposedly sleeping withThe Raves (a popular band)."
Dan Humphrey: "He has a very close relationship with his sister, Jenny..." (Emphasis mine.)
You know, it's almost like this is implying something...
Tonight on Gossip Girl the kids have a masquerade ball. Are they running out of theme parties they can have? This one, while grasping desperately at sophistication yet again, is not the worst idea. Let's check in with our favorite caricature:
Wow, that wasn't at all the most obvious choice for him. It's not as if we watch GG for the subtlety, so we'll leave it alone. One thing we can't help but comment on is the fact that this show tries to pretend that a little mask makes people completely unrecognizable. Ok, not so much all people as Single White Female Jenny. First Cumface has no idea who she is, then later everyone thinks she's Serena. Maybe it's just me, but if I tried to rape a girl, got beat up by her brother, and then taunted him about trying to rape her all the time, I'd probably remember what that girl looked like well enough to recognize her. Watch her here and tell me, who but Cummy could possibly fall for this obvious trap?
I officially love Blair. I dubbed her Lady Cumface after the last episode, and she just keeps stepping it up. She's my TV VIP. Watching them interact is just too delicious. P.S.: Check out Cumface's outfit. Where does he even find this shit? "Hello humble shopkeep. I require your most expensive and pimptastic wares. Please load them into my carriage. It would be the limousine with the hot tub full of transsexualJezebels in the back"
Seriously GG producers, a Phantom of the Opera mask? You're making this way to easy for me by adding a musical theater theme.
Tonight Nate will engage in a scavenger hunt where the prize is Blair's virginity. Surprise, surprise, he's not exactly giving it 110%. Lady Cumface is starting to get really pissed about not being able to give it up. It's ok, B, I'm sure several of the older gentlemen on the show would be more than happy to take care of your little problem for you.
The "big news" is that GG finally wrote in one of the major characters from the book series, Vanessa Abrams. This girl doesn't look anything like her Wikipedia entry- I mean her character in the books. She's sort of not bald or goth. Then again, Jenny isn't short with DD breasts (much to the chagrin of Phallic), and Chuck doesn't have a monkey (much to my horror).
Yeah, she doesn't so much look like an "Abrams" to me.
O M G, V is like soooo cool. She totally goes to the Angelika and eats at Veselka!!! That's like, downtown and alternative and stuff. I bet she listens to Paramour, too.
Yeah, I obviously hate this character. She is trying so hard to be different. Her tastes are the definitely those of a High School student who thinks she's cool- and some college students I know who are complete losers. Can I vote to kill this character off already? Or at least give her a personality a little less grating.
Cumface Without the Benefit of GG's Brilliant Wardrobe Department
I was watching something on the CW tonight and saw a promo telling me that there was an exclusive Cumface interview on The CW's website for me to view. You know I was all over that shit. Thanks to the wonders of Youtube I can share Cummypoo with all of you:
Didn't realize Ed Westwick was British. Perhaps I ought to have perused his IMDb at some point. I didn't want to ruin the illusion. The good news is that Ed is kind of a douche, and not an entertaining one like Cumface. Sigh. His band isn't too bad. Derivative and unoriginal; but if I were getting drunk in a pub I wouldn't throw my glass at them. I might be coming down with something 'cuz I kinda wanna hit that now. God help me(......No God!). Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bring back Chuck so I can get back to blowing my rape whistle at just the sight of him on my TV screen.
I'd just like to say that regardless of what we think of him offscreen, this blog loves Ed Westwick. He is the best part of Gossip Girl and we'd probably stop watching if he ever went away. We'd send him a gift or something, but we're not 12-year-old girls.
Wade Robson, my favourite choreographer from So You Think You Can Dance performed on Dancing with the Stars last night. He was everything I could have hoped for and more. In what was obvious an homage to his time at the Neverland Ranch, Wade did a very post-traumatic stress disorder influenced circus piece. Here's the video:
Ok, I lied. Wade isn't so much my favourite choreographer as he is my favourite choreographer to mock. Don't get me wrong, his work is fantastic, he just clearly has a special, special mind. He's constantly towing the thin line between genius and I Love New York 2 contestant.
Cumface wasn't in this episode. Need I say more? Let us all take a moment to remember a dear friend:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - Warming up for Jazz Hands Dedicated to Phallic
In all seriousness, "Dare Devil" was entertaining; but it had a profound immaturity. More than ever, Gossip Girl felt like girls dressing up in their moms' clothes playing at being sophisticated society women. The episode also didn't deliver on the promised drama. Jenny doesn't do anything particularly naughty- at one point the super-risque dare is for her to prank call some girl. Ultimately she doesn't even get in real trouble for anything she does and ends up getting a favorable entry in the GGvoiceover blog. Snooze.
In Gossip Girl news, the actor who plays Nate is apparently dating Carrie Underwood. Methinks Cumface is on his way down to Nashville to bitchslap her ass as we speak.
GOSSIP GIRL got a full season order! I read this this morning and I can't believe I forgot to post about it. Looks like you all love this show as much as I do. I hope next week's episode returns to outrageously ridiculous form and we don't have to deal with a whole season of these characters having souls and brains. That would be a real tragedy.
"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."
Seriously 
Yeah, she doesn't so much look like an "Abrams" to me.
