TV's Power Couple Break Up!

O M G. This week on Gossip Girl the unimaginable happened:

I really thought they would last. They're made for each other! The all-consuming lust between them in that scene was undeniable. It's ok, I'm sure they'll reconcile after the WGA hiatus and live happily ever after.

As for GG spoilers this week, you're out of shit out of luck from me. This episode was just too juicy and I need to make sure you are all paying attention tomorrow night. The only reason I put that clip up is because it was in last week's previews anyway.

God I love this show. One bit of advice, though. Try to watch this tape delayed on your TiVo so you can fast forward through every scene Serena is in- perhaps with the exception of her conversation with Chuck. Blake Lively is so insufferable. They need to Marissa Cooper her ass pronto. Rufus's scenes are also grating; but Rufe is just too cool to put down. He's a hot piece of tail and every brunette in NY knows it.

More Preview

We were beginning to worry about our man Cumface. He didn't even appear in one episode, then last week he completely bewildered us. We're not just talking about the fact that he fell for that ridiculous ruse. We never claimed that Chuck Bass was a genius, or even thinking with his brain. We were shocked because Cumface almost engaged in decidedly unCumtastic behaviour: he tried to have consensual sex with a girl his own age without first getting her too drunk to know better, coercing her by threatening her job, or paying her. It was definitely an all-time low for Chucky. This week he and his writers completely redeemed themselves. First, we got more Cumface than ever. Then not only does he deliver the most satisfying sexual conquest I could have possibly imagined in the closing frames of this installment, but he gets his dad to buy him a harem just before that. In fact, even before it looks like he's in the market to buy, he test-driving all the cars on the lot. Welcome back, old friend. We have missed you so.

If you don't want to be half-spoiled (although if you didn't figure out this was coming from the trailer last week or from the first 2 minutes of tonight's episode, you've got some problems), don't watch this video. If you just can't wait to see one of our girls strip, just hit play.

I've gotta say, her dancing is about as technically proficient and sexy as Britney at the VMAs. The fact that she's not a fat slob and the favourable editing help this lethargic non-dance out quite a bit. Mostly it's enjoyable because you so know what's coming next and you just can't wait.

We're Back!

"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."

By we I mean the blog and Gossip Girl. It is currently 7:30am at Blog Central and Kongye has been up all night catching up on Nip/Tuck and getting her advanced peak at GG. Since she really ought to be in bed, Kongye will deliver the 30 second summary of last night.

It's the start of November sweeps in the Gossip Girl world and with teen soaps that could mean only one thing: it's time for everyone to get it on (rather predictably). More specifics in hidden mode.

Dan and Serena spend all episode obsessing over whether or not they're going to fuck. Dan's worried about it and Serena keeps mounting him like he's the top stallion at the equestrian club. So of course at the end she suddenly decides she can't have sex with him because "no one has ever looked at her like [he] did," then they gently cuddle. How vomit-inducing.

Nathan and Blair continue to not screw. In fact, they break up. More on that later.

I'm pretty sure everyone is fucking Jenny- just off screen. She walks around looking like one of her sugar daddies Vanessa left the butt plug in all episode. Maybe it's because we "discover" her mom is doing her neighbour and her parents are getting a divorce. Didn't we find this out about 4 episodes ago? Jenny must be real dim to only figure this one out now. Jenny needs to get back to plotting to make a Blair skin suit to wear to the Winter Formal so I can like her again.

Speaking of Lady Cumface.....
It's finally happened. The TV gods have answered my prayers. Ever since I anointed Ms. Blair Waldorf Lady Cumface, I have dreamed of the royal coupling of the Lord and Lady du Cum. I imagined their Cumtastic spawn inheriting the Earth and plunging us into a period of unprecedented prosperity and douchebaggery. Tonight's mating- most reminiscent of the Species movies- was not as Earth-shattering as I had hoped. The producers were somewhat vague as to how far the union had actually gone. However, kudos to the writing staff for setting the scene in the back of the Chuckmaster's limo, giving Blair a literal pearl necklace to go with the figurative one she'd get a few minutes later, and making sure that she sort of became one of Chuck's employees before they got it on.

In summary, this was some great TV. Unlike some of their fellow strikers (I'm looking at you writing staffs of the entire CBS Primetime lineup), the GG writers have my endorsement to stay out there as long as they need to- as long as they come back in time to write more Cumface love before the show runs out of existing scripts. More coverage of this episode when I wake up later today. As if my attempt at writing 30 second summary turning into a 10 minute summary didn't tip you off, this show was chock full of goodness this week and it'll generate quite a bit of content.

P.S.: Phallic, you were wrong on the cherry girl in the trailer for this episode. It wasn't her.




WARNING- HUGE SPOILER BELOW

They Better Beef Up Security Now

So Kongye and Phallic were out last night (I throw down a challenge to Phallic this time to blog about those adventures) and while sitting at Our Table at Our Bar, Kongye filled Phallic in on her plans for the future of The Blog.
As loyal readers surely know, we are obsessed with Gossip Girl. New Jersey may run out of Riesling by the end of GG's first season at the rate Phallic is putting it down during each episode. Even more powerful than our love for the show is the love we feel towards Lord Cumface. Recent developments have brought us to the realization that Cummy has a real-life counterpart. This realization has led to THE PLAN. Sometime between now and the time Phallic and Kongye go back to their real jobs, we will infiltrate the GG set. THE PLAN has two components. We will return with some mementos and special surprises for our readers. More importantly, we will direct Ed Westwick to the blog, where he can read all the wonderful things we've said about him over the last 2 months. Should he not choose to take out a restraining order at that time or send large trannie hookers to kill us, we hope to get a love note about our coverage.

P.S.: If any of our readers have some connections that could get us onto the set in a more official capacity, get in touch with us. There could be something in it for you.
P.P.S.: We hear Cumface will be departing in a future episode. We have no follow-up information pertaining to the length of his absence. We hope he returns quickly, as we will be starting a vigil as soon as he boards his plane/ helicopter/ sailboat/ giant turtle.

Gossip Girl Preview

Tonight on Gossip Girl the kids have a masquerade ball. Are they running out of theme parties they can have? This one, while grasping desperately at sophistication yet again, is not the worst idea. Let's check in with our favorite caricature:

Wow, that wasn't at all the most obvious choice for him. It's not as if we watch GG for the subtlety, so we'll leave it alone.
One thing we can't help but comment on is the fact that this show tries to pretend that a little mask makes people completely unrecognizable. Ok, not so much all people as Single White Female Jenny. First Cumface has no idea who she is, then later everyone thinks she's Serena. Maybe it's just me, but if I tried to rape a girl, got beat up by her brother, and then taunted him about trying to rape her all the time, I'd probably remember what that girl looked like well enough to recognize her. Watch her here and tell me, who but Cummy could possibly fall for this obvious trap?

I officially love Blair. I dubbed her Lady Cumface after the last episode, and she just keeps stepping it up. She's my TV VIP. Watching them interact is just too delicious.
P.S.: Check out Cumface's outfit. Where does he even find this shit? "Hello humble shopkeep. I require your most expensive and pimptastic wares. Please load them into my carriage. It would be the limousine with the hot tub full of transsexual Jezebels in the back"

Seriously GG producers, a Phantom of the Opera mask? You're making this way to easy for me by adding a musical theater theme.

Tonight Nate will engage in a scavenger hunt where the prize is Blair's virginity. Surprise, surprise, he's not exactly giving it 110%. Lady Cumface is starting to get really pissed about not being able to give it up. It's ok, B, I'm sure several of the older gentlemen on the show would be more than happy to take care of your little problem for you.

The "big news" is that GG finally wrote in one of the major characters from the book series, Vanessa Abrams. This girl doesn't look anything like her Wikipedia entry- I mean her character in the books. She's sort of not bald or goth. Then again, Jenny isn't short with DD breasts (much to the chagrin of Phallic), and Chuck doesn't have a monkey (much to my horror).

Yeah, she doesn't so much look like an "Abrams" to me.

O M G, V is like soooo cool. She totally goes to the Angelika and eats at Veselka!!! That's like, downtown and alternative and stuff. I bet she listens to Paramour, too.

Yeah, I obviously hate this character. She is trying so hard to be different. Her tastes are the definitely those of a High School student who thinks she's cool- and some college students I know who are complete losers. Can I vote to kill this character off already? Or at least give her a personality a little less grating.

Cumface Without the Benefit of GG's Brilliant Wardrobe Department

I was watching something on the CW tonight and saw a promo telling me that there was an exclusive Cumface interview on The CW's website for me to view. You know I was all over that shit. Thanks to the wonders of Youtube I can share Cummypoo with all of you:

Didn't realize Ed Westwick was British. Perhaps I ought to have perused his IMDb at some point. I didn't want to ruin the illusion. The good news is that Ed is kind of a douche, and not an entertaining one like Cumface. Sigh. His band isn't too bad. Derivative and unoriginal; but if I were getting drunk in a pub I wouldn't throw my glass at them.
I might be coming down with something 'cuz I kinda wanna hit that now. God help me(......No God!). Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bring back Chuck so I can get back to blowing my rape whistle at just the sight of him on my TV screen.

I'd just like to say that regardless of what we think of him offscreen, this blog loves Ed Westwick. He is the best part of Gossip Girl and we'd probably stop watching if he ever went away. We'd send him a gift or something, but we're not 12-year-old girls.

Gossip Girl Week 5- "Dare Devil"

Cumface wasn't in this episode. Need I say more? Let us all take a moment to remember a dear friend:





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Warming up for Jazz Hands
Dedicated to Phallic

In all seriousness, "Dare Devil" was entertaining; but it had a profound immaturity. More than ever, Gossip Girl felt like girls dressing up in their moms' clothes playing at being sophisticated society women. The episode also didn't deliver on the promised drama. Jenny doesn't do anything particularly naughty- at one point the super-risque dare is for her to prank call some girl. Ultimately she doesn't even get in real trouble for anything she does and ends up getting a favorable entry in the GG voiceover blog. Snooze.

In Gossip Girl news, the actor who plays Nate is apparently dating Carrie Underwood. Methinks Cumface is on his way down to Nashville to bitchslap her ass as we speak.

Gossip Girl Episode 3 Preview

Oh Cumface, I heart you

Just finished watching the latest episode of Gossip Girl. This one was a little weak on the elements I like to mock most so I'll just offer a recap and some observations.

-NEWS FLASH: The Gossip Girl kids go to school this week! In fact, the entire episode is about stuff like getting into college and mental health issues. How dare they.
-Why the fuck is Blair wearing this to play field hockey? More importantly, why is she the only one on the field that gets to dress up in full Lolita garb? Is the school in on this whole Blair is a cocktease joke? Here's a screencap of girly fighting for our male readers:







I got maximum panty action for you

-Since when is a swanky rehab center a charity? I think I'll go donate some money to Promises now.
-Cumface/Nate hookup watch (now with visual aids): Check out this compilation of the last 2 episodes. This week Nate is sleeping with his head towards Chuck, wearing less clothing, and Cumface has gotten rid of girl from the night before so that there will be nothing in the way if/when Nate wakes up with some urges. By episode 5 the phone will vibrate and we'll pan to a shot of these guys spooning.

-Cumface scoreboard: He hooks up with a Princeton admissions rep off-camera and gets shot down by Blair again. I'm inclined to not give him points for either as the cougar was unconfirmed and he probably doesn't like Blair that much because he didn't even try to rape her. We'll call it a wash this week and award no points. Score stands at Cumface:3 Nate-substitutes:2

Here's a quick recap of the episode. Until I'm able to finish the coding to make this hidden, I'm just putting this part in black text to be invisible. Highlight below to view episode recap.
SPOILER WARNING
This week's big event is an Ivy League mixer. Dan really wants to be the usher for Dartmouth because that's his dream school and the rep is a writer he really likes. Nate's father wants him to be the Dartmouth usher. Nate isn't into it but gets the position anyway because of legacy. Dan is pissed. Meanwhile, Chuck continues to be his charming self (see video) and becomes the Yale usher. Later he switches to be the Princeton usher so he can screw that rep.
Blair and Serena fight. They have a catfight during field hockey, then B sends Chuck to spy on S to get dirt on her. He finds her going to her brother's treatment center and thinks that S is there for rehab. At the party B selects the treatment center as the beneficiary of the school's charity and makes a speech about how the center has helped S get off drugs- for now (snap!) S gets up and pretends that she really was getting treatment there in order to protect her brother. B thinks she's won, then S's brother tells her the truth and she suddenly grows a soul- I'm not buying it.
Serena's brother confides in Dan's sister about his attempted suicide and they become friends (soon to be lovers). After Serena pretends she was in rehab Jenny tells Dan the truth and he realizes that despite still being a shallow moron, S has a heart of gold. They tentatively make plans that may or may not be romantic. At the end of the episode B and S have a bonding moment. It's very special. The End.
Oh, Nate does some stuff in this episode. The idea is that he doesn't want to go to Dartmouth and he's doing stuff to sabotage his chances of getting in; but his dad keeps pushing him. I don't care about this plotline, can Nate just question his sexuality already and give us something to blog about?

Gossip Girl Episode 2- A Preview

I feel cheated! The girls are actually hotel staff that Cumface banged after the big party in the Pilot. I really wanted something more exotic. I at least wanted that whole man thing to pan out. Also on Cumface's agenda: a statue. Time to put up our running score. After adding this week's conquests to last week's failed rapes- Cumface:3 Female of the Species: 2

Kongye got a copy of the latest episode of Gossip Girl late last night. It was actually too late for Kongye to watch immediately; but we got up all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5am today- probably from the shear anticipation of seeing this- and watched this hot mess in bed. Unfortunately Kongye has work this morning and there's a full slate of spanking new TV that we have to blog about. Tonight is the premiere of the Blog's biggest fall obsession: Dirty Sexy Money! Expect a long review of that pilot later today.

In the meantime, I know you need a taste of what you can expect from this latest installment of GG. This episode does not disappoint. It may very well be the most unintentionally homoerotic hour of television I've seen all year. This episode makes even less sense than the pilot! The best part is that it's started to make fun of its ridiculous plotlines for you- that clusterfuck line towards the end was almost exactly what I was thinking; bravo GG writers. I can't wait to blog this. Here is what I'm going to do: I'm going to devote a few entries to it. Later today, before it airs on the CW, I'll post a full episode review/recap. As I rewatch this on my TiVo later tonight I'll do a running commentary on all the gooey goodness.