We're Back!

"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."

By we I mean the blog and Gossip Girl. It is currently 7:30am at Blog Central and Kongye has been up all night catching up on Nip/Tuck and getting her advanced peak at GG. Since she really ought to be in bed, Kongye will deliver the 30 second summary of last night.

It's the start of November sweeps in the Gossip Girl world and with teen soaps that could mean only one thing: it's time for everyone to get it on (rather predictably). More specifics in hidden mode.

Dan and Serena spend all episode obsessing over whether or not they're going to fuck. Dan's worried about it and Serena keeps mounting him like he's the top stallion at the equestrian club. So of course at the end she suddenly decides she can't have sex with him because "no one has ever looked at her like [he] did," then they gently cuddle. How vomit-inducing.

Nathan and Blair continue to not screw. In fact, they break up. More on that later.

I'm pretty sure everyone is fucking Jenny- just off screen. She walks around looking like one of her sugar daddies Vanessa left the butt plug in all episode. Maybe it's because we "discover" her mom is doing her neighbour and her parents are getting a divorce. Didn't we find this out about 4 episodes ago? Jenny must be real dim to only figure this one out now. Jenny needs to get back to plotting to make a Blair skin suit to wear to the Winter Formal so I can like her again.

Speaking of Lady Cumface.....
It's finally happened. The TV gods have answered my prayers. Ever since I anointed Ms. Blair Waldorf Lady Cumface, I have dreamed of the royal coupling of the Lord and Lady du Cum. I imagined their Cumtastic spawn inheriting the Earth and plunging us into a period of unprecedented prosperity and douchebaggery. Tonight's mating- most reminiscent of the Species movies- was not as Earth-shattering as I had hoped. The producers were somewhat vague as to how far the union had actually gone. However, kudos to the writing staff for setting the scene in the back of the Chuckmaster's limo, giving Blair a literal pearl necklace to go with the figurative one she'd get a few minutes later, and making sure that she sort of became one of Chuck's employees before they got it on.

In summary, this was some great TV. Unlike some of their fellow strikers (I'm looking at you writing staffs of the entire CBS Primetime lineup), the GG writers have my endorsement to stay out there as long as they need to- as long as they come back in time to write more Cumface love before the show runs out of existing scripts. More coverage of this episode when I wake up later today. As if my attempt at writing 30 second summary turning into a 10 minute summary didn't tip you off, this show was chock full of goodness this week and it'll generate quite a bit of content.

P.S.: Phallic, you were wrong on the cherry girl in the trailer for this episode. It wasn't her.




WARNING- HUGE SPOILER BELOW

Gossip Girl Episode 3 Preview

Oh Cumface, I heart you

Just finished watching the latest episode of Gossip Girl. This one was a little weak on the elements I like to mock most so I'll just offer a recap and some observations.

-NEWS FLASH: The Gossip Girl kids go to school this week! In fact, the entire episode is about stuff like getting into college and mental health issues. How dare they.
-Why the fuck is Blair wearing this to play field hockey? More importantly, why is she the only one on the field that gets to dress up in full Lolita garb? Is the school in on this whole Blair is a cocktease joke? Here's a screencap of girly fighting for our male readers:







I got maximum panty action for you

-Since when is a swanky rehab center a charity? I think I'll go donate some money to Promises now.
-Cumface/Nate hookup watch (now with visual aids): Check out this compilation of the last 2 episodes. This week Nate is sleeping with his head towards Chuck, wearing less clothing, and Cumface has gotten rid of girl from the night before so that there will be nothing in the way if/when Nate wakes up with some urges. By episode 5 the phone will vibrate and we'll pan to a shot of these guys spooning.

-Cumface scoreboard: He hooks up with a Princeton admissions rep off-camera and gets shot down by Blair again. I'm inclined to not give him points for either as the cougar was unconfirmed and he probably doesn't like Blair that much because he didn't even try to rape her. We'll call it a wash this week and award no points. Score stands at Cumface:3 Nate-substitutes:2

Here's a quick recap of the episode. Until I'm able to finish the coding to make this hidden, I'm just putting this part in black text to be invisible. Highlight below to view episode recap.
SPOILER WARNING
This week's big event is an Ivy League mixer. Dan really wants to be the usher for Dartmouth because that's his dream school and the rep is a writer he really likes. Nate's father wants him to be the Dartmouth usher. Nate isn't into it but gets the position anyway because of legacy. Dan is pissed. Meanwhile, Chuck continues to be his charming self (see video) and becomes the Yale usher. Later he switches to be the Princeton usher so he can screw that rep.
Blair and Serena fight. They have a catfight during field hockey, then B sends Chuck to spy on S to get dirt on her. He finds her going to her brother's treatment center and thinks that S is there for rehab. At the party B selects the treatment center as the beneficiary of the school's charity and makes a speech about how the center has helped S get off drugs- for now (snap!) S gets up and pretends that she really was getting treatment there in order to protect her brother. B thinks she's won, then S's brother tells her the truth and she suddenly grows a soul- I'm not buying it.
Serena's brother confides in Dan's sister about his attempted suicide and they become friends (soon to be lovers). After Serena pretends she was in rehab Jenny tells Dan the truth and he realizes that despite still being a shallow moron, S has a heart of gold. They tentatively make plans that may or may not be romantic. At the end of the episode B and S have a bonding moment. It's very special. The End.
Oh, Nate does some stuff in this episode. The idea is that he doesn't want to go to Dartmouth and he's doing stuff to sabotage his chances of getting in; but his dad keeps pushing him. I don't care about this plotline, can Nate just question his sexuality already and give us something to blog about?

Gossip Girl Episode 2- A Preview

I feel cheated! The girls are actually hotel staff that Cumface banged after the big party in the Pilot. I really wanted something more exotic. I at least wanted that whole man thing to pan out. Also on Cumface's agenda: a statue. Time to put up our running score. After adding this week's conquests to last week's failed rapes- Cumface:3 Female of the Species: 2

Kongye got a copy of the latest episode of Gossip Girl late last night. It was actually too late for Kongye to watch immediately; but we got up all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5am today- probably from the shear anticipation of seeing this- and watched this hot mess in bed. Unfortunately Kongye has work this morning and there's a full slate of spanking new TV that we have to blog about. Tonight is the premiere of the Blog's biggest fall obsession: Dirty Sexy Money! Expect a long review of that pilot later today.

In the meantime, I know you need a taste of what you can expect from this latest installment of GG. This episode does not disappoint. It may very well be the most unintentionally homoerotic hour of television I've seen all year. This episode makes even less sense than the pilot! The best part is that it's started to make fun of its ridiculous plotlines for you- that clusterfuck line towards the end was almost exactly what I was thinking; bravo GG writers. I can't wait to blog this. Here is what I'm going to do: I'm going to devote a few entries to it. Later today, before it airs on the CW, I'll post a full episode review/recap. As I rewatch this on my TiVo later tonight I'll do a running commentary on all the gooey goodness.

PIME TARADOX

So, Kongye has already contributed her thoughts on Journeyman, but I figured I'd take special note of the most amazing plot thread of the pilot, which is that Kevin McKidd's heroic journey is that he spends most of show fucking up a random guy's life as much as he can.

Step 1: Kevin McKidd is sent back in time and he stops a suicidal man from getting himself run over by a trolley. He gets the man's name (I think it's Neil,) and goes on his way.

Step 2: A few years later, Kevin McKidd runs into Neil in a cafe. Neil is having a conversation with his pregnant girlfriend, wherein he basically tells her that he doesn't want to take care of the baby and she should get an abortion. Kevin McKidd confronts the girlfriend and tells her how totally special it is to have a child, even if it is in a fucked up relationship. She goes back to Neil and eventually gets married to him at some point.

Step 3: Kevin McKidd finds out that Neil kills his wife and child in 1997.

Step 4: Kevin McKidd goes back in time to 1997 and tracks down Neil, who is stalking his wife and child so he can shoot them. As Neil crosses the street while drawing his gun, Kevin calls out his name.

(This is where it gets good.)

Neil turns around AND IS PROMPTLY HIT BY A BUS. He goes flying like 20 feet and smashes into another car's windshield, dying instantly. At this point, I am laughing hysterically. The wife goes up to Kevin and reveals that Neil had threatened to kill her, then Kevin goes back into the timewarp.

So let's review Kevin McKidd's contributions to the life of Neil: He stopped him from killing himself, and instead pushed him into a loveless, abusive marriage with a child he didn't want, and then HE GOT HIM KILLED ANYWAY. All he did was make Neil's miserable failure of a life that many years longer and that much shittier. MY HERO.*

"I did it for the lulz."

*(Actually, it turns out the real goal of his mission was to make sure that Neil's wife got pregnant so the kid could pull a bunch of third world peasants out of a burning bus or something, but it's funnier if you ignore that scene and just pretend that this is like Quantum Leap except Scott Bakula's mission was to be the biggest asshole ever to random bystanders.)