There was Footballers' Wives. They're obviously not at all similar to each other, mostly because Footballers' Wives is so hardcore awesome. Don't take my word for it, check out this clip:
For something a with a bit more context; but with spoilers of the entire third season of this series, check out this clip
When it comes back in less than 2 weeks, Gossip Girl will officially be without one of its most important characters. That's right, Token A has left the show. In my very first review of the show, I picked Token A and Token B (A for Asian, B for black) as the ones to watch. They have more than lived up to my expectations. Each week they have proudly stood next to (yet 2 steps behind) all the big characters during all the most important scenes. Let us relive Token A's greatest moments on the show.
Here's Kongye's original review of Gossip Girl. Michael K. totally stole my idea! LINK
To be honest, I could pretty much see any combination of 2 Gossip Girl guys finally getting together. The homoerotic tension on that show is insane.
On a somewhat related note, there's been a certain theme to Kongye's posts lately. Perhaps it's the new job, the fact that several of Kongye's dancer friends are back from tour, or maybe just pure coincidence. To clarify: The Blog does not condone negative stereotypes of any kind. The Blog is a safe space of love and understanding...unless you're Diablo Cody, a consestant on a VH1 reality dating show, a born-again Christian, fat, ugly, or Alexander B. If you fit into any of those categories I suggest you stop reading this fucking blog. Then again, I can't imagine why any of those people would be here to begin with.
O M G. This week on Gossip Girl the unimaginable happened:
I really thought they would last. They're made for each other! The all-consuming lust between them in that scene was undeniable. It's ok, I'm sure they'll reconcile after the WGA hiatus and live happily ever after.
As for GG spoilers this week, you're out of shit out of luck from me. This episode was just too juicy and I need to make sure you are all paying attention tomorrow night. The only reason I put that clip up is because it was in last week's previews anyway.
God I love this show. One bit of advice, though. Try to watch this tape delayed on your TiVo so you can fast forward through every scene Serena is in- perhaps with the exception of her conversation with Chuck. Blake Lively is so insufferable. They need to Marissa Cooper her ass pronto. Rufus's scenes are also grating; but Rufe is just too cool to put down. He's a hot piece of tail and every brunette in NY knows it.
So Kongye didn't specifically mention this, but as stated in the second clip they uploaded, Serena and Vanessa compete with each other while playing Guitar Hero II on an Xbox 360. Serena apparently racks up an unbelievably high score on Freebird. Vanessa responds that Freebird is nothing and she's about to blow Serena away with her performance on Cherry Pie.
Considering that pretty much anybody who's ever played Guitar Hero II would know this and that's pretty much the majority of their demographic right there, I honestly wonder who they thought they were fooling with that scene.
We were beginning to worry about our man Cumface. He didn't even appear in one episode, then last week he completely bewildered us. We're not just talking about the fact that he fell for that ridiculous ruse. We never claimed that Chuck Bass was a genius, or even thinking with his brain. We were shocked because Cumface almost engaged in decidedly unCumtastic behaviour: he tried to have consensual sex with a girl his own age without first getting her too drunk to know better, coercing her by threatening her job, or paying her. It was definitely an all-time low for Chucky. This week he and his writers completely redeemed themselves. First, we got more Cumface than ever. Then not only does he deliver the most satisfying sexual conquest I could have possibly imagined in the closing frames of this installment, but he gets his dad to buy him a harem just before that. In fact, even before it looks like he's in the market to buy, he test-driving all the cars on the lot. Welcome back, old friend. We have missed you so.
If you don't want to be half-spoiled (although if you didn't figure out this was coming from the trailer last week or from the first 2 minutes of tonight's episode, you've got some problems), don't watch this video. If you just can't wait to see one of our girls strip, just hit play.
I've gotta say, her dancing is about as technically proficient and sexy as Britney at the VMAs. The fact that she's not a fat slob and the favourable editing help this lethargic non-dance out quite a bit. Mostly it's enjoyable because you so know what's coming next and you just can't wait.
"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."
By we I mean the blog and Gossip Girl. It is currently 7:30am at Blog Central and Kongye has been up all night catching up on Nip/Tuck and getting her advanced peak at GG. Since she really ought to be in bed, Kongye will deliver the 30 second summary of last night.
It's the start of November sweeps in the Gossip Girl world and with teen soaps that could mean only one thing: it's time for everyone to get it on (rather predictably). More specifics in hidden mode.
Dan and Serena spend all episode obsessing over whether or not they're going to fuck. Dan's worried about it and Serena keeps mounting him like he's the top stallion at the equestrian club. So of course at the end she suddenly decides she can't have sex with him because "no one has ever looked at her like [he] did," then they gently cuddle. How vomit-inducing.
Nathan and Blair continue to not screw. In fact, they break up. More on that later.
I'm pretty sure everyone is fucking Jenny- just off screen. She walks around looking like one of her sugar daddies Vanessa left the butt plug in all episode. Maybe it's because we "discover" her mom is doing her neighbour and her parents are getting a divorce. Didn't we find this out about 4 episodes ago? Jenny must be real dim to only figure this one out now. Jenny needs to get back to plotting to make a Blair skin suit to wear to the Winter Formal so I can like her again.
Speaking of Lady Cumface..... It's finally happened. The TV gods have answered my prayers. Ever since I anointed Ms. Blair Waldorf Lady Cumface, I have dreamed of the royal coupling of the Lord and Lady du Cum. I imagined their Cumtastic spawn inheriting the Earth and plunging us into a period of unprecedented prosperity and douchebaggery. Tonight's mating- most reminiscent of the Species movies- was not as Earth-shattering as I had hoped. The producers were somewhat vague as to how far the union had actually gone. However, kudos to the writing staff for setting the scene in the back of the Chuckmaster's limo, giving Blair a literal pearl necklace to go with the figurative one she'd get a few minutes later, and making sure that she sort of became one of Chuck's employees before they got it on.
In summary, this was some great TV. Unlike some of their fellow strikers (I'm looking at you writing staffs of the entire CBS Primetime lineup), the GG writers have my endorsement to stay out there as long as they need to- as long as they come back in time to write more Cumface love before the show runs out of existing scripts. More coverage of this episode when I wake up later today. As if my attempt at writing 30 second summary turning into a 10 minute summary didn't tip you off, this show was chock full of goodness this week and it'll generate quite a bit of content.
P.S.: Phallic, you were wrong on the cherry girl in the trailer for this episode. It wasn't her.
While searching for a link to TMZ's story on Andre, Kongye came upon this video of Nate and Cumface leaving Hotel Gansevoort after a hot, sweaty sex yoga session. The cameraman asks Ed if he has any “gossip about Gossip Girl.” I’m not sure if I admire him for ignoring the stupid pun and being casual or if I resent him for not smacking that guy upside the head and telling him how fucking stupid his question was. I think I’ve buried the lead, which is that despite the plot point previously mentioned, Ed Westwick is still in NYC. There’s no guarantee that he’s still on-set regularly; but it does give us hope for THE PLAN.
So Kongye and Phallic were out last night (I throw down a challenge to Phallic this time to blog about those adventures) and while sitting at Our Table at Our Bar, Kongye filled Phallic in on her plans for the future of The Blog. As loyal readers surely know, we are obsessed with Gossip Girl. New Jersey may run out of Riesling by the end of GG's first season at the rate Phallic is putting it down during each episode. Even more powerful than our love for the show is the love we feel towards Lord Cumface. Recent developments have brought us to the realization that Cummy has a real-life counterpart. This realization has led to THE PLAN. Sometime between now and the time Phallic and Kongye go back to their real jobs, we will infiltrate the GG set. THE PLAN has two components. We will return with some mementos and special surprises for our readers. More importantly, we will direct Ed Westwick to the blog, where he can read all the wonderful things we've said about him over the last 2 months. Should he not choose to take out a restraining order at that time or send large trannie hookers to kill us, we hope to get a love note about our coverage.
P.S.: If any of our readers have some connections that could get us onto the set in a more official capacity, get in touch with us. There could be something in it for you. P.P.S.: We hear Cumface will be departing in a future episode. We have no follow-up information pertaining to the length of his absence. We hope he returns quickly, as we will be starting a vigil as soon as he boards his plane/ helicopter/ sailboat/ giant turtle.
When Kongye mentioned Vanessa's wikipedia description, I remembered something... interesting, shall we say?
Dan Humphrey: "He has had several writing-related jobs, including a poem called "Sluts" published in the The New Yorker; an internship at Red Letter, a prominent literary magazine; and a short stint as songwriter/lead singer for indie-rock sensation The Raves."
Jenny Humphrey: "During her freshman year at Constance Billard, a very exclusive private school in New York City, she ruins her reputation by supposedly sleeping withThe Raves (a popular band)."
Dan Humphrey: "He has a very close relationship with his sister, Jenny..." (Emphasis mine.)
You know, it's almost like this is implying something...
Tonight on Gossip Girl the kids have a masquerade ball. Are they running out of theme parties they can have? This one, while grasping desperately at sophistication yet again, is not the worst idea. Let's check in with our favorite caricature:
Wow, that wasn't at all the most obvious choice for him. It's not as if we watch GG for the subtlety, so we'll leave it alone. One thing we can't help but comment on is the fact that this show tries to pretend that a little mask makes people completely unrecognizable. Ok, not so much all people as Single White Female Jenny. First Cumface has no idea who she is, then later everyone thinks she's Serena. Maybe it's just me, but if I tried to rape a girl, got beat up by her brother, and then taunted him about trying to rape her all the time, I'd probably remember what that girl looked like well enough to recognize her. Watch her here and tell me, who but Cummy could possibly fall for this obvious trap?
I officially love Blair. I dubbed her Lady Cumface after the last episode, and she just keeps stepping it up. She's my TV VIP. Watching them interact is just too delicious. P.S.: Check out Cumface's outfit. Where does he even find this shit? "Hello humble shopkeep. I require your most expensive and pimptastic wares. Please load them into my carriage. It would be the limousine with the hot tub full of transsexualJezebels in the back"
Seriously GG producers, a Phantom of the Opera mask? You're making this way to easy for me by adding a musical theater theme.
Tonight Nate will engage in a scavenger hunt where the prize is Blair's virginity. Surprise, surprise, he's not exactly giving it 110%. Lady Cumface is starting to get really pissed about not being able to give it up. It's ok, B, I'm sure several of the older gentlemen on the show would be more than happy to take care of your little problem for you.
The "big news" is that GG finally wrote in one of the major characters from the book series, Vanessa Abrams. This girl doesn't look anything like her Wikipedia entry- I mean her character in the books. She's sort of not bald or goth. Then again, Jenny isn't short with DD breasts (much to the chagrin of Phallic), and Chuck doesn't have a monkey (much to my horror).
Yeah, she doesn't so much look like an "Abrams" to me.
O M G, V is like soooo cool. She totally goes to the Angelika and eats at Veselka!!! That's like, downtown and alternative and stuff. I bet she listens to Paramour, too.
Yeah, I obviously hate this character. She is trying so hard to be different. Her tastes are the definitely those of a High School student who thinks she's cool- and some college students I know who are complete losers. Can I vote to kill this character off already? Or at least give her a personality a little less grating.
Cumface Without the Benefit of GG's Brilliant Wardrobe Department
I was watching something on the CW tonight and saw a promo telling me that there was an exclusive Cumface interview on The CW's website for me to view. You know I was all over that shit. Thanks to the wonders of Youtube I can share Cummypoo with all of you:
Didn't realize Ed Westwick was British. Perhaps I ought to have perused his IMDb at some point. I didn't want to ruin the illusion. The good news is that Ed is kind of a douche, and not an entertaining one like Cumface. Sigh. His band isn't too bad. Derivative and unoriginal; but if I were getting drunk in a pub I wouldn't throw my glass at them. I might be coming down with something 'cuz I kinda wanna hit that now. God help me(......No God!). Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bring back Chuck so I can get back to blowing my rape whistle at just the sight of him on my TV screen.
I'd just like to say that regardless of what we think of him offscreen, this blog loves Ed Westwick. He is the best part of Gossip Girl and we'd probably stop watching if he ever went away. We'd send him a gift or something, but we're not 12-year-old girls.
Cumface wasn't in this episode. Need I say more? Let us all take a moment to remember a dear friend:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - Warming up for Jazz Hands Dedicated to Phallic
In all seriousness, "Dare Devil" was entertaining; but it had a profound immaturity. More than ever, Gossip Girl felt like girls dressing up in their moms' clothes playing at being sophisticated society women. The episode also didn't deliver on the promised drama. Jenny doesn't do anything particularly naughty- at one point the super-risque dare is for her to prank call some girl. Ultimately she doesn't even get in real trouble for anything she does and ends up getting a favorable entry in the GGvoiceover blog. Snooze.
In Gossip Girl news, the actor who plays Nate is apparently dating Carrie Underwood. Methinks Cumface is on his way down to Nashville to bitchslap her ass as we speak.
THE VIEW- I love watching The View. It makes me feel so much smarter listening to those harpies pander to America's housewives. I wouldn't normally review this show; but today was a real turning point. When Sherri Shepherd declared that she didn't know if the world was round I laughed at her; but basically gave her the benefit of the doubt. She may have been nervous then with these bitches 3 times her age were hounding her about evolution. She was probably afraid Joy would eat her. On Wednesday Sherri went from being bad under pressure to being a complete moron. They were talking about the Republican debates and Sherri chimes in, without anyone asking her to, that she couldn't tell any of the old white men apart. "Apart from the big four, I didn't know who any of them were." Listen, ho; if Barbara Walters tells your dumb ass to watch the debate and you know you're going to have to talk about it the next day, the least you can do is come up with 1 thing to say about it other than "all these white people look the same." Here's Sherri's take on a question that was answered definitely over 500 years ago:
PUSHING DAISIES- I love, love, love this show. This installment was even better than the pilot. Then again, I thought the pilot was the greatest thing I saw all summer. Then I saw it again at pilot screening week, was less impressed, and pledged my eternal allegiance to Dirty Sexy Money. I don't know if this show is only fantastic upon first viewing or if my opinion was tainted by being buzzed and needing to pee very badly the second time I saw it. I guess we'll never know. They found a way to work in Kristin Chenoweth's fantastic singing. Anna Friel gets more crushworthy every time I see her, Chi McBride is out of this world, and Lee Pace is growing on me. Pushing Daisies is now a show I will be waiting on every week. Good thing I'll be able to see it a day early. GOSSIP GIRL- I already posted a mini-review. They need to keep the bitch-factor up here or they run the risk of me turning on them. What makes them think we want to see these characters getting along or- Godforbid- helping each other deal? You have betrayed me, Gossip Girl. KITCHEN NIGHTMARES- Gordon Ramsay didn't make anything better. They even try to gloss over his complete failure by pretending the fact that the owner had to sell the restaurant in the end was a great thing. That he got "an offer he couldn't refuse." First of all, that line belongs in the first episode; the big Guido Sopranos ripoff pilot. Second, of course that owner couldn't refuse the offer; his restaurant was tanking and he was going broke. Oh, and I get the feeling the producers bought Ramsay an unlimited LIRR pass and told him to travel across the southern shore of Long Island finding places run by the most annoying people on the face of the planet. Why does he even bother? It's not like people on the Island have taste buds or taste, period. Who goes to Babylon or Islip for fine cuisine? Fuck, I don't even think people who live there go Babylon or Islip for a good meal. Go back to Britain and make some good TV for me to download, Gordon. TOP CHEF- It was the reunion show show this week so nothing happened. We were treated (?) to clips and montages. Casey won the viewer's choice prize. Apparently being completely generic and boring wins tons of love. I'm going to go back a week in Top Chef and talk about how excited I am that Hung won. Often reality shows will have one contestant that's clearly much more talented than everyone else. That person will likely know that he or she is incredibly talented and may occasionally make comments or engage in behaviour that reveals to the viewer that he or she is aware of their talent. In reality land, producers will decide to only show clips of that side of the contestant. He or she will become the villain and we will root for them to lose, just like well-trained chimps. From what I've seen, the villain always makes it to the end; but never wins. The winner is always the bland but inoffensive contestant. Well, Top Chef totally broke that tradition and crowned Hung its winner! I've gotta say, Hung may have been the worst villain on reality TV because he wasn't explosively mean. He was just competitive, couldn't take criticism from anyone, and refused to help people around him. In fact, Top Chef featured numerous occasions of Hung being finished like half an hour before everyone else and just standing around mocking the other contestants as they scrambled and prayed to get their food on a plate. They would ask him to help, and he would just ignore them. Hung was also creepy-looking. Much like Marcel from Top Chef 2, I became quite attached. You've gotta love someone who clearly was raised by wolves. CONGRATULATIONS HUNG! DIRTY SEXY MONEY- Good times, as usual. The show was back to form this week. Brian had some great scenes and Samaire Armstrong was almost never on screen without Seth Gabel. Smart move on the show's part. I can't stand her; but the family dynamics she has with him are genius. They still have to turn the outrageous up a few notches. The writers need to stop holding back and so do the actors. Expect clips in this week's All-Stars.
GOSSIP GIRL got a full season order! I read this this morning and I can't believe I forgot to post about it. Looks like you all love this show as much as I do. I hope next week's episode returns to outrageously ridiculous form and we don't have to deal with a whole season of these characters having souls and brains. That would be a real tragedy.
Another week, another magical episode of GOSSIP GIRL. I have to say this was not the strongest episode of the soap. There a distinct lack of melodrama- or any kind of drama. No catfights, no date rape, the boozing was pretty unnoticeable, and Cumface didn't even get any. These teens are off their game.
This week marked yet another step in the Cumface/ Nate relationship: Nate gets a new boyfriend and Chuck is so not having it.
"Seems like some one's itinerary didn't leave room for cockblockers. How will Chuck be able to rufie and sodomize Nate with Environmental Douche in the way?"
Ratings are in for Wednesday, which is quickly shaping up to be the most competitive night of television this fall. My inability to post a pilot review doesn't seem to have hurt Pushing Daisies, which got off to a strong start. The fate of this show remains to seen, as viewer retention is the real test. Speaking of which...
Interesting news in the 9pm timeslot. Overnight ratings show a 10% drop in Private Practice's ratings and a whopping 21% tumble for Bionic Woman. Ok, it remains to be seen if NBC thinks it's as bad as I do (with the bubble of hatred I've built around this show); but I think 2 things are clear: 1) All the hype in the world can't make up for mediocre execution 2) Isaiah Washington is a show cancer.
In other news, The CW is pimping Gossip Girl's numbers like you wouldn't believe.
More updates- including the numbers on Dirty Sexy Money-later when I'm in front of a computer instead of floating in Blackberry land.
UPDATE: Took a look at The Futon Critic's full ratings report today and here's their report:
Week-to-week changes (new series): "Bionic woman" (households: -17.86%; adults 18-49: -27.27%), "Life" (households: -10.77%; adults 18-49: -28.57%), "Kid Nation" (households: -2.08%; adults 18-49: -10.71%), "Private Practice" (households: -14.43%; adults 18-49: -11.76%), "Dirty Sexy Money" (households: -9.46%; adults 18-49: even), "Back to You" (households: -4.35%; adults 18-49: -14.29%), "Kitchen Nightmares" (households: +8.57%; adults 18-49: +20.00%) and "Gossip Girl" (households: even; adults 18-49: +8.33%) You can also find the complete ratings on their website. I'm glad to see Kitchen Nightmares gaining viewers. It's not nearly as good as the British version, but I think it's pretty good for reality TV and I'd love to see it take off. My hope is that there's a Season 2 so we can get a Nightmares Revisited for some of these places. Those were my favourite episodes of the original show. Gossip Girl is performing well and I think its future is very secure because The CW has been emphasizing the fact that its #1 in its target demo in major markets. Dirty Sexy Money's fate is still in some limbo. Its week-to-week numbers are solid (especially audience retention in the all-important 18-49) but it didn't have strong numbers to begin with so there may not have been enough viewers to keep. Let's hope ABC decides to stick with this, it's good TV.
Just finished watching the latest episode of Gossip Girl. This one was a little weak on the elements I like to mock most so I'll just offer a recap and some observations.
-NEWS FLASH: The Gossip Girl kids go to school this week! In fact, the entire episode is about stuff like getting into college and mental health issues. How dare they. -Why the fuck is Blair wearing this to play field hockey? More importantly, why is she the only one on the field that gets to dress up in full Lolita garb? Is the school in on this whole Blair is a cocktease joke? Here's a screencap of girly fighting for our male readers:
I got maximum panty action for you
-Since when is a swanky rehab center a charity? I think I'll go donate some money to Promises now. -Cumface/Nate hookup watch (now with visual aids): Check out this compilation of the last 2 episodes. This week Nate is sleeping with his head towards Chuck, wearing less clothing, and Cumface has gotten rid of girl from the night before so that there will be nothing in the way if/when Nate wakes up with some urges. By episode 5 the phone will vibrate and we'll pan to a shot of these guys spooning. -Cumface scoreboard: He hooks up with a Princeton admissions rep off-camera and gets shot down by Blair again. I'm inclined to not give him points for either as the cougar was unconfirmed and he probably doesn't like Blair that much because he didn't even try to rape her. We'll call it a wash this week and award no points. Score stands at Cumface:3 Nate-substitutes:2
Here's a quick recap of the episode. Until I'm able to finish the coding to make this hidden, I'm just putting this part in black text to be invisible. Highlight below to view episode recap. SPOILER WARNING This week's big event is an Ivy League mixer. Dan really wants to be the usher for Dartmouth because that's his dream school and the rep is a writer he really likes. Nate's father wants him to be the Dartmouth usher. Nate isn't into it but gets the position anyway because of legacy. Dan is pissed. Meanwhile, Chuck continues to be his charming self (see video) and becomes the Yale usher. Later he switches to be the Princeton usher so he can screw that rep. Blair and Serena fight. They have a catfight during field hockey, then B sends Chuck to spy on S to get dirt on her. He finds her going to her brother's treatment center and thinks that S is there for rehab. At the party B selects the treatment center as the beneficiary of the school's charity and makes a speech about how the center has helped S get off drugs- for now (snap!) S gets up and pretends that she really was getting treatment there in order to protect her brother. B thinks she's won, then S's brother tells her the truth and she suddenly grows a soul- I'm not buying it. Serena's brother confides in Dan's sister about his attempted suicide and they become friends (soon to be lovers). After Serena pretends she was in rehab Jenny tells Dan the truth and he realizes that despite still being a shallow moron, S has a heart of gold. They tentatively make plans that may or may not be romantic. At the end of the episode B and S have a bonding moment. It's very special. The End. Oh, Nate does some stuff in this episode. The idea is that he doesn't want to go to Dartmouth and he's doing stuff to sabotage his chances of getting in; but his dad keeps pushing him. I don't care about this plotline, can Nate just question his sexuality already and give us something to blog about?
I feel cheated! The girls are actually hotel staff that Cumface banged after the big party in the Pilot. I really wanted something more exotic. I at least wanted that whole man thing to pan out. Also on Cumface's agenda: a statue. Time to put up our running score. After adding this week's conquests to last week's failed rapes- Cumface:3 Female of the Species: 2
Kongye got a copy of the latest episode of Gossip Girl late last night. It was actually too late for Kongye to watch immediately; but we got up all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5am today- probably from the shear anticipation of seeing this- and watched this hot mess in bed. Unfortunately Kongye has work this morning and there's a full slate of spanking new TV that we have to blog about. Tonight is the premiere of the Blog's biggest fall obsession: Dirty Sexy Money! Expect a long review of that pilot later today.
In the meantime, I know you need a taste of what you can expect from this latest installment of GG. This episode does not disappoint. It may very well be the most unintentionally homoerotic hour of television I've seen all year. This episode makes even less sense than the pilot! The best part is that it's started to make fun of its ridiculous plotlines for you- that clusterfuck line towards the end was almost exactly what I was thinking; bravo GG writers. I can't wait to blog this. Here is what I'm going to do: I'm going to devote a few entries to it. Later today, before it airs on the CW, I'll post a full episode review/recap. As I rewatch this on my TiVo later tonight I'll do a running commentary on all the gooey goodness.
"I think I found a way to add rufies to the cherries I put in my dates' drinks. It gives the my date rapes just a little more kick."
Seriously 
Yeah, she doesn't so much look like an "Abrams" to me.
