The Return of the Video All-Stars

I can't take credit for finding this one. It was on The Soup this past weekend and I just thought it was too amazing not to share. From CBS's Kid Nation, I bring you the first step in this kid's descent into stalking and alcoholism:


I had the pleasure of watching last Thursday's episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia a few months ago, before the season started, and it immediately confirmed that Season 3 was going to be amazing. This is still probably my favourite clip of the whole season.

Pepperjack love Fraggle Rock

Taken from a previous Russell Brand post, this is by far the best part of his first show, and he had nothing to do with it, other than bringing it out of the BBC archives.


I'm pretty sure this PSA was made by the same guy who did Death Bed: The Bed that Eats The voiceover is uncannily similar in both the voice and the tone. Death Bed is my favourite movie... about a bed that eats people. I challenge you to name a better movie about a carnivorous bed. Here's a clip of that classic. I'll see if I can edit some of the voiceover later.

Death Bed loves fried chicken

There's No Such Thing as Too Much Andre

The final set of Andre clips from Episode 2 of America's Most Smartest Model

In case you forgot where Andre is from in the 5 minutes since he last mentioned it.

Dedicated to Niki, Kongye's #1 girl (Once I post the latest batch of all-star videos that will make even more sense)

When Phallic met Erin

Yeah, the access code TO MY PANTS

I don't particularly know why Kongye believes that I would be the best person to recount the events of last night, because my experience was not really all that remarkable. I got incredibly drunk and struck out with a woman dressed as a cartoon character. Basically, it's the same thing for me as any other weekend, except with cheap pink wigs.

As Kongye detailed, we started the night at our table at our bar with service from some of our favorite waitresses. After drinking our fill of quality beers on my part and some pink concoction called a "9 1/2 Weeks" on Kongye's, we headed out for a liquor store to look for official blog drink Jekyll & Hyde while indulging in another one of our favorite pastimes: calling up our college friends and drunkenly berating them.

So halfway through one of Kongye's old standbys about how you're a loser and she hates your girlfriend, we are interrupted by a familiar song. That's right, the Geico caveman was wandering the streets of Manhattan with a boombox blasting his "theme song" and Erin Esurance in tow. Erin grabs us and tells us we're the coolest people ever or something and insists we accompany her to a party.

So we get to some apartment party. Now, I've been trying to find a classy way to say I got incredibly fucking hammered, but I'm at a loss. So basically, I got incredibly fucking hammered. I got into the party and immediately ripped open my index finger opening a bottle of Blue Moon with a metal spoon. It gets hazy after that.

In an effort to stop the bleeding on my hand, I grabbed a bandanna and wrapped it around my finger. (I later ended up wearing it around my head, and eventually walked out of the party with it.) Then they ran out of beer, I started hitting the mixers hard, and it all becomes a vodka and Hawaiian Punch flavored blur.* However, by reviewing the numerous cuts and bruises on my body, I can only theorize that this was the Vietnam war of parties: A long and bloody battle of attrition against not only my fellow partygoers but also my impending liver failure.

My war against my fellow partygoers became more apparent after Kongye got herself locked out of the party and wandered off to wherever she went and some douchebag decided it was his sacred duty to keep me from ever talking to Erin Esurance for the rest of the night. So after about 5 minutes of some dipshit in a Bruce Springsteen costume making veiled physical threats every time I got near a certain pink-haired vixen, I decided to register my displeasure by spitting a mouthful of lukewarm vodka and fruit punch into a beer cooler and staggering out of the party. Judging by my knee, I then punctuated that sentence by falling down a flight of stairs at some point.

Call me

All in all, a classy end to a classy night, and as a bonus due to my references to both 9 1/2 Weeks and Erin Esurance, we'll hopefully attract people running google searches for Mickey Rourke/Esurance porn.

*Coincidentally, "a vodka and Hawaiian Punch flavored blur" also describes the substance that came out of my mouth the next morning.

Free Andre!

We are extremely worried for Andre. Given his previous criminal record, he could get some serious jail time for his latest arrest. We're pulling for you buddy!
Andre could always use his foolproof excuse for everything:

Andre even gets other people to buy into it:

Reality News- Andre from AMSM

We love Andre Birleanu from America's Most Smartests Model. So You can imagine how sad we were to read this: http://www.nypost.com/seven/10262007/news/regionalnews/smartest_model_groped_me__gal.htm

Yes, our favourite Soviet midget boxer has been arrested for groping and assaulting a woman. This is shocking! I didn't see that coming at all.....

A Little More GG Action

While searching for a link to TMZ's story on Andre, Kongye came upon this video of Nate and Cumface leaving Hotel Gansevoort after a hot, sweaty sex yoga session.
The cameraman asks Ed if he has any “gossip about Gossip Girl.” I’m not sure if I admire him for ignoring the stupid pun and being casual or if I resent him for not smacking that guy upside the head and telling him how fucking stupid his question was.
I think I’ve buried the lead, which is that despite the plot point previously mentioned, Ed Westwick is still in NYC. There’s no guarantee that he’s still on-set regularly; but it does give us hope for THE PLAN.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid285859616/bclid294430730/bctid1270735494

They Better Beef Up Security Now

So Kongye and Phallic were out last night (I throw down a challenge to Phallic this time to blog about those adventures) and while sitting at Our Table at Our Bar, Kongye filled Phallic in on her plans for the future of The Blog.
As loyal readers surely know, we are obsessed with Gossip Girl. New Jersey may run out of Riesling by the end of GG's first season at the rate Phallic is putting it down during each episode. Even more powerful than our love for the show is the love we feel towards Lord Cumface. Recent developments have brought us to the realization that Cummy has a real-life counterpart. This realization has led to THE PLAN. Sometime between now and the time Phallic and Kongye go back to their real jobs, we will infiltrate the GG set. THE PLAN has two components. We will return with some mementos and special surprises for our readers. More importantly, we will direct Ed Westwick to the blog, where he can read all the wonderful things we've said about him over the last 2 months. Should he not choose to take out a restraining order at that time or send large trannie hookers to kill us, we hope to get a love note about our coverage.

P.S.: If any of our readers have some connections that could get us onto the set in a more official capacity, get in touch with us. There could be something in it for you.
P.P.S.: We hear Cumface will be departing in a future episode. We have no follow-up information pertaining to the length of his absence. We hope he returns quickly, as we will be starting a vigil as soon as he boards his plane/ helicopter/ sailboat/ giant turtle.

Blogging Booze

Jekyll & Hyde Liquor is the greatest contribution to society since electricity.

Ok, maybe that's overstating it just a tiny bit; but this stuff is good. Perhaps I'm just saying that because the J&H reps gave us a boatload of free stuff (and free shots) last Thursday. That's unlikely because I liked this drink more the day after I sampled it than I did as I was getting the free stuff. Phallic was correct, I did wake up on Friday morning craving J&H. It wasn't even that hangover craving I sometimes get for any kind of booze to help me come down from the night before. Come to think of it, I don't know what's in the Jekyll part; but it seems to neutralize the toxic effects of the Jager-like Hyde. Given the combination of food and alcohol we had that night, it's practically a miracle I didn't throw up or wake up with a wicked hangover. Thank you Jekyll.
How much do I love Jekyll & Hyde? The only way to answer that question is in haiku form:

Jekyll and Hyde shots
Go down so very smoothly

How I love them so

The Bachelor Is All Class

This clip needs no commentary.

Just to reiterate: This is The Bachelor, not Flavor of Love

Russell Brand's Ponderland

You know you want it

So Russell Brand has a new nightly show on Britain's Channel 4. Americans may not be familiar with this fine specimen; but women like Kate Moss certainly are. Britain's tabloid darlings just can't get enough of his raw sexuality and virility. How could anyone resist this?

Kongye has to admit she wants a piece of that. Kongye will pretty much do any man over 6 feet tall who looks like he hasn't eaten in weeks. That's how she likes them. In addition to screwing half the anorexic women in England, Brand wa also named Standup of the Year by Time Out London in 2005. His latest project is a nightly half hour program that just features 23 minutes of standup on a different subject each night. Kongye likes it; but she's blinded by the "sex insect" presenting. Another reason to check out this clip: Brandy is going to try to invade our shores in the next 12 months with at least two movies. He's in the new St. Trinians (which stars Colin Firth, Rupert Everett, and a bunch of young starlets previously known only for walking red carpets and wearing expensive clothing on their orange, skeletal frames- should be good) and
Forgetting Sarah Marshall which promises to be next summer's Knocked Up. Here he is, in one of the more restrained bits from the first episode of his show:

Get Over It, Hag

So Danielle Fishel was on Tyra Banks with Lance Bass this week. I saw this clip on another blog and my mouth just dropped. This chick is just plain nuts. She tries to cover up her crazy with some laughs and a big smile; but it's not fooling anyone. She's still completely in love with the Bass Master. She tells us about 100 times how in love she and Lance were . Then she brings out her Obsession Box.

She reminded me of a certain someone:

Pushing Daisies Preview

I don't have enough time before tonight's airing of Pushing Daisies to adequately preview it for you, so I'll just share a little something that you'll be seeing should you watch the show:Here's a little more:




Good episode. The most sentimental of the bunch so far. I fell for it.

More GG food for thought...

When Kongye mentioned Vanessa's wikipedia description, I remembered something... interesting, shall we say?

Dan Humphrey: "He has had several writing-related jobs, including a poem called "Sluts" published in the The New Yorker; an internship at Red Letter, a prominent literary magazine; and a short stint as songwriter/lead singer for indie-rock sensation The Raves."

Jenny Humphrey: "During her freshman year at Constance Billard, a very exclusive private school in New York City, she ruins her reputation by supposedly sleeping with The Raves (a popular band)."

Dan Humphrey: "He has a very close relationship with his sister, Jenny..." (Emphasis mine.)

You know, it's almost like this is implying something...

Gossip Girl Preview

Tonight on Gossip Girl the kids have a masquerade ball. Are they running out of theme parties they can have? This one, while grasping desperately at sophistication yet again, is not the worst idea. Let's check in with our favorite caricature:

Wow, that wasn't at all the most obvious choice for him. It's not as if we watch GG for the subtlety, so we'll leave it alone.
One thing we can't help but comment on is the fact that this show tries to pretend that a little mask makes people completely unrecognizable. Ok, not so much all people as Single White Female Jenny. First Cumface has no idea who she is, then later everyone thinks she's Serena. Maybe it's just me, but if I tried to rape a girl, got beat up by her brother, and then taunted him about trying to rape her all the time, I'd probably remember what that girl looked like well enough to recognize her. Watch her here and tell me, who but Cummy could possibly fall for this obvious trap?

I officially love Blair. I dubbed her Lady Cumface after the last episode, and she just keeps stepping it up. She's my TV VIP. Watching them interact is just too delicious.
P.S.: Check out Cumface's outfit. Where does he even find this shit? "Hello humble shopkeep. I require your most expensive and pimptastic wares. Please load them into my carriage. It would be the limousine with the hot tub full of transsexual Jezebels in the back"

Seriously GG producers, a Phantom of the Opera mask? You're making this way to easy for me by adding a musical theater theme.

Tonight Nate will engage in a scavenger hunt where the prize is Blair's virginity. Surprise, surprise, he's not exactly giving it 110%. Lady Cumface is starting to get really pissed about not being able to give it up. It's ok, B, I'm sure several of the older gentlemen on the show would be more than happy to take care of your little problem for you.

The "big news" is that GG finally wrote in one of the major characters from the book series, Vanessa Abrams. This girl doesn't look anything like her Wikipedia entry- I mean her character in the books. She's sort of not bald or goth. Then again, Jenny isn't short with DD breasts (much to the chagrin of Phallic), and Chuck doesn't have a monkey (much to my horror).

Yeah, she doesn't so much look like an "Abrams" to me.

O M G, V is like soooo cool. She totally goes to the Angelika and eats at Veselka!!! That's like, downtown and alternative and stuff. I bet she listens to Paramour, too.

Yeah, I obviously hate this character. She is trying so hard to be different. Her tastes are the definitely those of a High School student who thinks she's cool- and some college students I know who are complete losers. Can I vote to kill this character off already? Or at least give her a personality a little less grating.

Pushing Daisies- It's No Viva Laughlin

Kongye has more good TV news to pass along. In addition to the swift cancellation of Viva Herpes, the TV gods have graced us with further blessings. Pushing Daisies got a full season order! Blog Central is buzzing over this news. Now all we need is the announcement that VH1's newest show is Flavor of Soviet Love, starring Andre from America's Most Smartest Model and we'll explode with joy.

We'll try to have a preview of tonight's Pushing Daisies for you in the next couple of hours.

Viva Laughlin: 10/18/07 - 10/21/07

Suck it, douchebag. Suck it hard.

Viva Laughlin, the pilot of which we lovingly compared to child molestation, was canceled Monday after airing only 2 episodes in a rare display of sanity by CBS. The show was in the midst of shooting its ninth episode of the thirteen ordered when the cancellation hit, meaning that this show will in all likelihood never be completed and the existing episodes will probably never air again.

If you ever want to see the worst television show ever made, you better get downloading, because the chances of this getting a DVD release are about the same as the cast of Hannah Montana starring in a remake of Salò or the 120 Days of Sodom. (Come to think of it, that's something I'd pay good money to see.)

30 Days of Shite

"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Yes, we watched 30 Days of Night. I can't even begin to go into how stupid this movie was right now, so instead I'm going to start out by responding to some of the points made in Newsarama's fellatioreview of the movie:

Well, 30 Days of Night—is not—a direct, panel by panel remake of Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith’s original graphic novel—it’s actually…better.
Replace "graphic novel" with "failed movie pitch" and "better" with "even more simplistic" and this is a correct statement.

30 Days of Night is enhanced by a newfound sense of character development and non-one liner dialog.
HAHAHA BULLSHIT. There is no character development in this movie. NONE. In 2 hours there is absolutely zero character development for anyone, and the entire supporting cast is completely interchangeable. As for the "no one liners," bitch please. Yeah, there aren't any one liners because Steve Niles isn't clever enough to write a goddamn one liner. There are plenty of lines that attempt to be one liners but fall flat on their face, though.

Let me repeat that—there really aren’t any cute Hollywood one-liners in this film. Even the trailer, sporting the now-infamous clip of Marlow saying, “No God,” bears a certain gravitas that doesn’t dismiss the moment as iconic.
Gravitas? I assume gravitas refers to the 10 second pause as Danny Huston stares around the abandoned town after asking "God?" for no reason other than to prove how retarded he can look before busting out his comeback ("NO GOD!"). I was falling out of my chair laughing. Total gravitas, guys. (I should add that although they refer to Huston as "Marlow" here, there is nothing in the movie to indicate that any of the vampires have names at all.) Also, the lack of intentional one liners seriously hurt this movie. I mean seriously, when your movie is a goddamn joke anyway you can at least attempt to make it intentionally funny for at least one scene.

Basically, 30 Days of Night transcends one medium to a new medium the way 300 or Sin City has—
Fixated with shitty action and possessing all the thematic depth of a kiddy pool? Yeah, that's a pretty accurate description of all three of these overrated shitfests. (Although neither 30 Days of Night or Sin City come close to matching 300's artistic vision of "gayest Xbox game ever.")

Typical to movies—audiences have to have a connection to the imperiled in this type of film. Granted, none of these human characters, beyond Stella and Eben Oleson, are iconic or memorable, but that was intentional. They are food.
This line cracks me up as the reviewer struggles to rationalize how awful this script is while still hanging onto the money he was paid to ensure a glowing review. "Well, normally you're supposed to identify with the characters, but it's okay that you don't in this one because they're deliberately supposed to be shitty to make the movie work." Sure thing, guys. Also, if the standard has fallen so low that we're describing Eben and Stella as "iconic" or "memorable," then I feel that I should mention the iconic and memorable dinner I had at Popeye's fried chicken yesterday.

From the standpoint of the talent—Josh Hartnett is Eben Oleson—any fan of the original material can feel it.
I have to agree here, Hartnett was utterly perfect for the part. In the comic, Eben had absolutely no identifiable personality whatsoever, and since Hartnett is completely incapable of portraying human emotion I can hardly think of a better actor to play Eben

All told, 30 Days of Night’s not a “jump out and scare you” kind of horror movie-
Yeah, because that would imply that Niles would have to come up with with a scenario where a vampire attack would be an unexpected surprise. Or that this movie was scary in the first place.

It’s an eerie movie which is tonally accurate to the original source, and even though there are a number of changes from the original story, they were made more out of the necessity of storytelling logic and for the intent of unifying certain thematic elements.
Yeah guys, I know when I think "eerie," I think "vampire attacks in super choppy fast motion with high pitched screaming playing the entire time." This shit is as "eerie" as Dane Cook is "subtle." And let's focus on some of the "storytelling logic " on display here in the revised plot, solely focusing on one of the additional locations:

• The people of the town have the ultimate goal of reaching "The Utilador" a structure that apparently exists solely to house a gigantic trash compactor. This structure is so far out of town that they remark that they need a car to get to it and spend 7 days hiding in an attic, 11 in an abandoned convenience store, and 9 in a police station before they head to it.
• Remember when they said they needed a car? On day 27 they walk to the Utilador.
• THE UTILADOR IS SO CLOSE TO TOWN THAT YOU CAN SEE THE MAIN STREET OF TOWN OUT THE WINDOW. SERIOUSLY, IT'S LIKE 30 FEET AWAY.
• The trash compactor at the utilador is in the movie solely so that they can throw a vampire into it and kill him quickly. However, when Josh Harnett's deputy is infected, Hartnett opts to slowly and laboriously hack his head off with an axe and leave the corpse lying on the floor to stink up the place instead of disposing it. Why? Because in 2 days, he's going to need to shoot up vampire blood in order to fistfight a vampire.

This isn't storytelling logic, it's a collection of logistical plotholes you could drive a fucking truck through. At least in the comic there was a reason for an infected corpse to be lying around so Eben could infect himself instead of spending 2 days with a rotting dead body lying directly in front of a device that was written into the movie solely for the purposes of corpse disposal.

LEARN TO WRITE, STEVE

Okay, now for my own thoughts. It's no secret that this movie exists as a comic solely because it failed as a movie pitch the first time around. The main reason that it failed is because when it comes to writing, Steve Niles is, quite honestly, an utter hack. He can come up with some moderately inspired horror concepts, but when it comes time for dialogue, characterization, and actual plotting, he completely falls apart. It's quite telling that he made first break into comics with adaptations of Richard Matheson's I am Legend and Clive Barker's Rawhead Rex rather than any of his own ideas. His success in the comics field seems to be mainly because he manages to be a nice guy (unless he's bringing you onboard a fake project in order to steal your girlfriend, but that's another story,) and attract some of the most talented artists in comics. Seriously, looking over Niles' resume is like a who's who of some of the best regarded artists in their field. Bill Sienkiewicz, Ben Templesmith, Richard Corben, Ashley Wood, Tim Bradstreet, not to mention his co-writing gigs with Rob Zombie and Thomas Jane. So when it comes to comics, he can attract some incredibly talented collaborators that cover up his own glaring deficiencies as a writer. Movies, however, are another issue.

Without the stylized art to distract you, you will quickly realize that this story is stupid. Like, stupid stupid. Iredeemably stupid, really. The supposed "reenvisioning" of vampires he presents is profoundly dumb. They run around with their faces smeared with dried blood, communicating mainly through nonstop high-pitched screaming and occasionally delivering subtitled dialogue in a stupid vampire language that sounds like Klingon. Quite frankly, they're hilarious. Half of them look and act like they have Down's syndrome, they scream all the fucking time, and their leader, as portrayed by Danny Huston, is ridiculous.

(I do have to give credit for one thing, though. The scene where Danny Huston kneels down in front of a puddle of blood, checks his reflection, then decides it's time to slick back his buzzcut with a handfull of blood is one of the most sublimely stupid bits of extraneous villainy you will see in theaters this year. I'm inclined to believe that this was probably Huston's idea, because the rest of the script demonstrates that the writers probably aren't capable of anything remotely clever or intentionally campy.)

The progression of time in this movie is completely fucked, by the way. With no way of actually demonstrating that time is passing aside from clumsy "DAY (insert number here)" captions popping up at random intervals whenever the cast arbitrarily moves to another location, the only visual cue we have to signify the progress of time is Hartnett's scraggly pube-beard. Fittingly, it stops growing after day 7 and remains the same length for roughly the next 22 days. I had the same complaint about the comic, but really from a storytelling point of view, this story does not portray "30 days of night." At the most, it conveys about 30 hours of night.

Oh, and the characters are nonexistant. None of them have discernable personalities, and the only one with any actual backstory gives it through hamfisted exposition immediately before Hartnett cuts his head off with an axe. Thanks for your life story dude, but really nobody cares about your dead kid when you're gonna get killed offscreen in 30 seconds anyway. Also, when you introduce a character, relegate him to the background and forget about him for an hour, there's really no way to give his death any emotional weight, so don't even bother trying. Aside from that, there's a bunch of interchangeable males so undifferentiated that I forgot who was who and what their respective roles were about 45 minutes into the movie.

Oh, and in case you still want to see this movie after reading this, Josh Hartnett turns into a vampire and kills Danny Huston, who somehow manages to jump mouthfirst onto Hartnett's fist and impale his own head on it in the lamest climax to a fight scene ever. Then Hartnett and his estranged wife watch the sun rise, with predictable results. I just saved you $11.

Drink? Don't mind if I do. Maybe this will dull the pain of watching this movie

The only upside of this experience was that Jekyll & Hyde liquor sponsored the afterparty, and as a result, we were getting shitloads of free merchandise, not to mention shot after shot of liquor being handed out to us for free. I think during the 45 minutes spent at the afterparty I consumed at 5 shots of liquor, a can and a half of Monster energy drink, and a pint of beer as women in nurse's outfits asked me to pose for pictures while handing me free alcohol. Kongye had at least 2 shots, a pint of beer, and half a can of Monster. In addition, we each walked out with several T-shirts, a deck of playing cards, and a set of stainless steel flasks. (We aren't supposed to mention those according to the merchandise girls, but whatever.)

Anyway, the liquor itself is a decent alternative to Jagermeister with an interesting presentation. The setup is this: The berry flavored "Jekyll" liquor goes at the bottom of the shot, topped by the herbal flavored "Hyde" liquor, resulting in a shot that starts out like Jager and ends with a comparatively mellow raspberry flavor. It's a decent enough shooter if you don't mind the excessively sweet flavor and somewhat gimmicky nature of the drink. Hopefully Kongye will comment more on it, as she apparently woke up craving more of it the next day, only to be thwarted by its scarcity in Manhattan liquor stores.

Cumface Without the Benefit of GG's Brilliant Wardrobe Department

I was watching something on the CW tonight and saw a promo telling me that there was an exclusive Cumface interview on The CW's website for me to view. You know I was all over that shit. Thanks to the wonders of Youtube I can share Cummypoo with all of you:

Didn't realize Ed Westwick was British. Perhaps I ought to have perused his IMDb at some point. I didn't want to ruin the illusion. The good news is that Ed is kind of a douche, and not an entertaining one like Cumface. Sigh. His band isn't too bad. Derivative and unoriginal; but if I were getting drunk in a pub I wouldn't throw my glass at them.
I might be coming down with something 'cuz I kinda wanna hit that now. God help me(......No God!). Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Bring back Chuck so I can get back to blowing my rape whistle at just the sight of him on my TV screen.

I'd just like to say that regardless of what we think of him offscreen, this blog loves Ed Westwick. He is the best part of Gossip Girl and we'd probably stop watching if he ever went away. We'd send him a gift or something, but we're not 12-year-old girls.

Updates Galore!

Kongye had a little free time this weekend and finished her reviews of the week in TV. They're inserted in chronological order, check them out.
Quick links:
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Fox Reality Awards

There are some classic rants in there. Enjoy.

30 Days of...?

So Kongye and Phallic will be seeing a preview screening of 30 Days of Night tonight, and I'll probably be doing a review of it afterwords. In the meantime, read and ponder the following line from Newsarama's review of the movie:

"Basically, 30 Days of Night transcends one medium to a new medium the way 300 or Sin City has-"

Jesus Christ, this is going to FUCKING SUCK.

Wade Robson on Dancing with the Stars

Wade Robson, my favourite choreographer from So You Think You Can Dance performed on Dancing with the Stars last night. He was everything I could have hoped for and more. In what was obvious an homage to his time at the Neverland Ranch, Wade did a very post-traumatic stress disorder influenced circus piece. Here's the video:

Ok, I lied. Wade isn't so much my favourite choreographer as he is my favourite choreographer to mock. Don't get me wrong, his work is fantastic, he just clearly has a special, special mind. He's constantly towing the thin line between genius and I Love New York 2 contestant.

Monday Night Reviews

DANCING WITH THE HOUGHNESS- This week on Dancing with the Stars....oh, who cares. How is our boy Derek doing? This week he did the Paso Doble. For those not familiar, in the Paso Doble the man is supposed to be a tough, masculine bullfighter and the woman is his cape. Hey Paint Hougher, what do you think of that?

If Houghness got into a bullfighting ring, he'd win because the bull would die of laughter.

ALIENS IN AMERICA-Mark it down, folks. It took 3 episodes for Aliens in America to have Raja accused of terrorism. He didn't get sent to Gitmo. Pretty unrealistic considering the evidence against him. He definitely would've been Renditioned in real life.

THE GAME-The Game was so thought-provoking. If you have an episode devoted to how much of a cliche one of your characters is on a show that's one giant cliche is that ironic, deep, or a cliche? This clip is going into the video all-stars this week. Enjoy a preview now

JOURNEYMAN-I watched this less than 24 hours ago and I'd need a time machine just to remember what happened. One thing I do remember is that we never found out why it was important or Dan to save this week's time travel beneficiary. Are we just going with the value of human life now? I also remember that the ads promised me that Dan would have to figure out if he could take another life to save someone. He asks Livia that question (she tells him it's cool 'cuz it's the past so it doesn't count-infallible logic), he just never has to make the call. Lame.

WEEDS-I thought this was the season finale. It wasn't. Andy Milder (Dean) is amazing this week. He does his best work incapacitated in a full body cast and wheelchair. Celia catches Nancy screwing her new boyfriend. Next week is going to be very interesting.

Gossip Girl Week 5- "Dare Devil"

Cumface wasn't in this episode. Need I say more? Let us all take a moment to remember a dear friend:





-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Warming up for Jazz Hands
Dedicated to Phallic

In all seriousness, "Dare Devil" was entertaining; but it had a profound immaturity. More than ever, Gossip Girl felt like girls dressing up in their moms' clothes playing at being sophisticated society women. The episode also didn't deliver on the promised drama. Jenny doesn't do anything particularly naughty- at one point the super-risque dare is for her to prank call some girl. Ultimately she doesn't even get in real trouble for anything she does and ends up getting a favorable entry in the GG voiceover blog. Snooze.

In Gossip Girl news, the actor who plays Nate is apparently dating Carrie Underwood. Methinks Cumface is on his way down to Nashville to bitchslap her ass as we speak.

Pushing Daisies Preview- Episode 3: TheFun in Funeral

I had a chance to check out the next episode of Pushing Daisies over lunch today. I fall more in love with this show with every new installment. I know I've said that before, I just so need to reiterate it. There is something here that warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart. Yes, I have a heart, and while it normally isn't susceptible to the charms of people kissing through Saran wrap or Chi McBride getting stuck in a window, today was a notable exception. I won't engage in any spoilage because I love Daisies far too much to take away from any one's viewing experience.
Pushing Daisies is always worth watching. Tonight is no exception. I preferred this one to "Dummy" from last week. It's just above that episode and just below "Pie-lette"


Here are clips of the aforementioned scenes. I would hate them if they were on any other show.

Viva Laughlin - oh my god I hate this shit

What did we do to make us deserve this?

You may think I am being extreme when I say Viva Laughlin is one of the worst shows ever produced. You have not yet seen this show, so you do not understand. It truly is that bad. This show is to television what child molestation is to sex. It takes something potentially beautiful and cruelly warps it into something disturbing and repugnant for its own sick amusement.

Lord Douchebag Von Asshole surveys his domain

Meet Ripley Holden, aspiring casino owner and loathesome fucking douchebag. He treats his children like shit and ignores his wife in order to sink his life into a casino (named "Viva!") that he does not have the money to open. He has a history of cheating on his wife, he attempts to buy his son's affection with expensive cars, and his emotional neglect has left his daughter so starved for attention that she begins dating a college professor who might be even older than her father.

And just so we're clear, this is the protagonist. The way the pilot is set up, we're expected to find him roguishly charming and likable.

Did I mention he's also a horrible singer?

That's right, this show has goddamn musical numbers. However, the producers insist that the show is not a musical, and CBS has been trying to avoid this fact for most of their ad campaign, all with good reason. This is because if the overall repugnance of the cast doesn't alienate their audience, the musical numbers will. Seriously, they are fucking awful. Now, I'm not saying that musical numbers cannot be incorporated into a televised serial drama. The BBC productions of the late Dennis Potter's The Singing Detective and Pennies from Heaven both used musical interludes to masterful dramatic effect. The difference here is that Dennis Potter was one of the greatest screenwriters ever born, whereas the writing staff of Viva Laughlin apparently wrote the pilot while huffing spraypaint out of a lunchbag. Let's watch another one of these chestnuts and try to figure out where they went wrong:

Now, Hugh Jackman is an extremely talented performer who I have nothing but admiration for. His portrayal of Wolverine was one of the primary factors behind my fanatical love of the first two X-Men movies, so I can't argue he's unlikeable, and he won a Tony in 2004 for his role in The Boy from Oz, so I can't argue that he's a bad performer when it comes to musical numbers. However, I don't care if you're the best singer in the history of musical theater, when you're doing a butchered karaoke version of "Sympathy for the Devil," you do not want want Mick Jagger's voice playing alongside you to remind people just how immeasurably better he is at singing the song than you are. Sadly, this is still the best musical number featured in the pilot. Aside from this, you will be treated to another one of Asshole Von Douchetoven's Elvis covers as well as the vomit-inducing nadir of the show wherein he dry-humps Melanie Griffith while they butcher Blondie's "One Way or Another."

Yes, you read that right. Melanie Griffith is in this show. Take a look at the following montage and while you're holding back the bile, remember that this was actually put together by CBS to promote the show:

At this point, it's easy to question what kind of a god would allow a creature such as this to exist. The fact of the matter is that Melanie Griffith is a Lich Queen who walks among us to harvest souls for her dark master, the ravenous Bal-Shoggoth.

SEXY.

To add to the overwhelming classiness of Ripley "Douchenozzle" Holden, remember when I mentioned that he cheated on his wife? This is what he was cheating on her with. In the image we're looking at, he is currently informing her that he is rolling for initiative on his "Turn Undead" spell. Just kidding, he's actually trying to tell her that he doesn't want to toss his hotdog down the cavernous, diseased hallway that is her nether regions even though he needs her to help him con her husband into investing in his dead-end casino for white trash too poor to stay in Vegas. Except he doesn't actually need her to con anyone, because her husband turns up dead in Ripley's office that very night, coincidentally while Ripley is avoiding his home and family the entire night and drinking bottles of hard liquor alone in his car. This seems like an airtight alibi to me.

So naturally, the cops get involved, Douchelington becomes the primary suspect, and that's where Detective Peter Carlyle comes in.

"Oh hey, fancy meeting you here in the driveway of your own house. It's kind of funny how we keep running into each other whenever you go outside to get into your car. And then we meet again wherever you end up driving to. Have you cut your hair recently?"

Detective Carlyle, a.k.a. Stalky Stalkerson, figures that the best way to prove a suspect's guilt is by stalking and having sex with the suspect's wife. I wonder why Chris Meloni never realized the brilliant simplicity of this approach throughout his long tenure on Law & Order: SVU. So anyway, Stalky accosts Douchey's wife on numerous occasions throughout the episode, posing as a prospective homeowner in their gated community. While meeting her in such secluded romantic getaways as her driveway and the produce aisle of the supermarket, he subtly probes her for information in a manner that can only be described as entrapment. Meanwhile, he's thinking about a different kind of probing while positioning that ass for enTAPment.

Aside from this parade of living excrement, we've got Douchelord threatening to beat the shit out of his daughter's boyfriend, his son selling his car so Douchebag can sink the money into the financial black hole that is his casino, Douchemonger's pathetic attempts to salvage his failing marriage while he is clearly incapable of expressing human emotion, Hugh Jackman's personal assistant running around making bedroom eyes at both Hugh and The Lich Queen, and a bunch of other shit I drank myself to sleep for a week after viewing in order to forget.

Despite the fact that Viva Laughlin has been universally derided as one of the worst shows of the season along with Cavemen and Big Shots, CBS picked this up for 13 episodes. I doubt even half of them will air. Then again, if CBS had any dignity at all, they would have never even allowed the pilot to make it to the public, so there's always the chance that this will be raping the airwaves for its full order of episodes.

Verdict: Fuck you.

Would I Watch It? I cannot reiterate enough how much the very existence of this show fills me to the core with loathing.

Sunday Reviews

Kongye didn't watch much TV on Sunday night. We'll be back later with a special review of the new episode of America's Most Smartest Model, the only show on the TiVo for the whole night. In the meantime, we will review what we did see last night- the trailers before Elizabeth: The Golden Age. We may or may not end up reviewing the film itself. In case we don't, here's an executive summary:
The Golden Age features great acting and some breathtaking visuals; but it doesn't live up to its potential.

As for the trailers, they made us realize that this is going to a be a very weak year for movies. With Elizabeth already a disappointment and the crop of Oscar bait we saw trailers for last night isn't giving us much hope.

Love in the Time of Cholera- So we're watching the trailer for this movie. Everything is looking mediocre. I'm thinking it's probably not necessary to have every popular and good book turned into a movie, especially if you're going to half-ass it and hire actors who are either from South America or look like they could be and force them to do their lines with accents but speak English. That's always been one of my pet peeves. Just pick a direction. Either have your actors speak Spanish or have them perform in their normal voices. The audience doesn't need Benjamin Bratt to put on an accent so that we'll know that they'd actually be speaking Spanish in real life. So we get through the trailer and then comes the funniest part of the night. At the end of it, after they've put up all the other information, with the classical score in the background we get that romantic script font movie studios so adore, and it says.... "with original songs by Shakira." The entire theater just breaks out into laughter. The laughter actually builds as patrons realize everyone else in the room is thinking the same thing and it just gets louder and louder. The laughter lingers long into the next trailer. I'm not sure that's what the studio had in mind.

Atonement- There's a ton of hype surrounding this movie. I'm not convinced by the trailer or the talent working on this. I'm sorry, but the Pride & Prejudice pedigree is not going to win any points with me. At least this Joe Wright adaptation on a romantic novel with Keira Knightley in the lead isn't based on a novel that's been adapted countless times for film and television. Then again, Jane Austen is a lot less annoying than Ian McEwan, so it's really a toss-up which one of these two films is more unnecessary.

Sweeney Todd- Uh, I was excited about this when I heard they were making it. I guess I forgot Tim Burton hasn't made a decent movie in years. Sweeney Todd is supposed to be a musical. The trailer features almost no music. Either this isn't a musical anymore or, as I suspect from the one instance of Johnny Depp singing in the trailer, the cast and Burton screwed up the musical numbers royally and the studio is trying to avoid letting us see how bad this will be.

Charlie Wilson's War- Wow. That's all I can say about this movie. I'm not sure where to start. Perhaps the ad campaign for this is terribly misguided and it will be a fantastic film. If I am to go by the trailer, it will be a giant mess. I don't know where to begin. The premise of the movie is that Tom Hanks plays a Lothario congressman who is manipulated by Julia Roberts (horribly miscast as a wealthy seductress) into single-handedly launching a covert campaign to arm Afghan resistance fighters against a Soviet invasion. In addition to being woefully historically inaccurate, I'm not sure what message this film is trying to send. The trailer would have you believe that the movie will glorify Roberts' cold warrior. At the same time, the trailer has scenes that make us think this will be a Wag The Dog type of satire. While it would be irresponsible and overly simplistic to say that Hanks' actions lead to the rise of the Taliban, it is fair to say that U.S. policy in Afghanistan at that time is not exactly worthy of the Hollywood treatment- unless you're making a movie highlighting foreign policy errors in the tail end of the Cold War. This looks like a total mess. However, even though I despise the overrated Roberts I do enjoy Mike Nichols' work so I'm giving this movie a chance. Expect a long entry on the historical inaccuracies once I actually see it, though.

Saturday Reviews

FOX REALITY CHANNEL REALLY AWARDS- So I've already reviewed this show. My comments were pretty harsh so I'll just use this space to pass along some news on the So You Think You Can Dance. As you may know, SYTYCD is the only network reality show I watch. Therefore, in the non-rant section of my Really Awards review, I'll talk about the SYTYCD happenings on Saturday's show. Mary Murphy won Best Judge/ Host, the show won for Favourite Competition Show, and Benji did a "dance." I'll be sure to share that with you if I find the clip or a place to download the entire show so I can make a clip. It was pretty unwatchable, so you're not missing much.

LEGALLY BLONDE: THE MUSICAL- I would never pay money to see this steaming pile of Chihuahua shit on Broadway. If you are one of the many mouth-breathers who would, leave my blog right now and never come back. You disgust me. You are what is wrong with our society and the reason there are no good mainstream movies, TV shows, or albums anymore. I decided to catch MTV's presentation of the musical so that I could at least speak with some authority when I ripped it a new one. So far I'm halfway through the opening song "Oh My God, You Guys" (I'm not making that up, and the song is just as annoying as the title would have you believe) and I already want to blow my brains out. Can this version of Legally Blonde end with the sorority house getting blown up in the first 15 minutes of the play?
EDIT: The audience is even more obnoxious than the show. This is an exact, word-for-word clone of the movie with crappy music set over the crappy dialogue. Wow, the product placement is the icing on the cake.

THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT ELVIRA- I was very disappointed with this show. Not just because it's another vehicle for trailer trash Rock of Love rejects to get on TV, but because it's a boring piece of crap. The one thing Elvira had going for her is that she was campy to the max. On this reality program you get the sense she's either forgotten how to play her own alter ego or she just doesn't care anymore. It's not intentionally funny or funny in a VH1 reality wreck is. I'm going to take a nap after watching that. Wake me when Fox Reality premieres that trannie dating show.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE-No major disasters, therefore nothing of any interest. It goes without saying that there were no funny sketches and Jon Bon Jovi is not cut out for comedy. They're re airing Kanye's episode next week, you should check that out.

Friday Night Reviews

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS- FNL is fantastic. I've heard people say they don't watch it because they don't like football. There has been no football in the first two episodes of this season. I think they had about a minute of practice in each episode, although I'm not sure if it was practice or just featured the field as the backdrop. While most TV shows are going to great lengths to pry some sympathy out of my cold, cold heart; FNL gets me misty with honest depictions of real situations. I'm not thrilled with the direction the Landry/ Tyra storyline has taken; but it has been handled so well.

DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION- Boring episode. Degrassi featured a bad Devil Wears Prada knockoff, the lesbians had a big fight, and the slutty Philipina was a racist. To draw attention away from the boring, I'm going to talk about this incarnation of the show's most screwed-over character. You can read all about the original Degrassi's resident loser in my Thursday reviews. In TNG, one character starts on the show immediately having a dead mom and a dad who beats him. He goes on to cheat on his girlfriend and get the other girl pregnant. Then his dad dies, he gets diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and becomes a coke addict. We hear he'll be back with a guest starring gig on the current season. Can't wait to see what they do with him. You know, I don't think Degrassi has had an HIV-positive character on The Next Generation. Come on, Craig, you can totally step up your game. Start shooting some heroin and get infected from a dirty needle. You can do it, Kongye believes in you.


20/20- Not so much a review as an observation here. I fast forwarded through just about all of this hour because it was about kids and I have an overwhelming fear of children. Something I did tune in for, since it was the first segment, was 20/20's profile of Emily Osment. She's the Ethel to Miley Cyrus' Lucy on Hannah Montana. That means she has to stand almost out of frame the whole time and always be at least 20 pounds heavier than Miley (those of you not familiar with TV history should really look up the second part of that, it's a good story). She also happens to be the sister of Mr. I See Dead People, Haley Joel Osment. She looks like Haley in a wig. Although Haley looks like a girl with an unfortunate bowl cut, so they're about even. Anyway, this profile was about how Emily's parents set boundaries at home and how those boundaries are keeping her from turning into a Lindsay or a Britney. As the reporter is asking these questions and alluding to LiLo's arrests, I kept waiting for him to mention THIS. I mean, they were raised by the same people, no? I know ABC is owned by Disney and this was a puff piece about one of Disney's stars trying to promote her Disney-produced album and TV movie; but come on. At the very least, it's in poor taste to pat these parents on the back for having only one of their kids be a pothead who flips his car while drunk and high before he even goes to college. The show should be called 50/50, because apparently that's a good enough track record to be a poster child for parent of the year in the Disney universe. As 20/20's John Stossel would say: Give me a break!

P.S.: Check out the height/ weight on Haley's booking sheet. He's totally a leprechaun.

P.P.S.: He's totally high in that mug shot even though it was taken a month after he had his accident and claims he got sober.

AMSM- Gaston

In the final installment of our America's Most Smartest Model segment, let's take a look at Gaston. He is one smooth operator. Too bad he has some personal hygiene issues or I'd be on that like white on rice.

Excuse me, I need to take a shower now.

I love how he tells the judges to suck his dirty penis. Do they even hire tiny, greasy elves as models? Apparently not, 'cuz Gaston got the boot in the first episode. We'll miss you and your requests for boob rubbing. Adios, Señor Douche.

Fox Reality Awards- The Very Mean and Not-Suitable-for-Children Review

FOX REALITY CHANNEL REALLY AWARDS- Oh my God, this show was even more of a train wreck than I could have imagined. The thought of all these attention-seeking losers piled into a shitty nightclub in Hollywood celebrating each other's fame-whoring is enough to make my head explode. The highlight of the night may have been when they trotted out that crying girl from American Idol . Oops, I meant THIS crying girl (I could only handle 4 seconds of that shit, if you want more, search for yourself). They bring her out and apparently that fat little moron is still weeping at the sight of Yesterday's News. More importantly, 2 minutes after the 10-year-old comes on, show hostess Kennedy tells us that they have a hot tub full of whores from HBO's Cat House backstage and shows us footage of the hos taking off their bikinis and rubbing their tits into random douche's faces. Classy and family-friendly! The rest of the show was a parade of cheese and stupidity, topped off by Fox Reality milking that incident where The Original Firecrotch knocked out some other reality asshole's teeth. How appropriate that a show honouring attention-seekers would stage a ridiculous publicity stunt like this.

AMSM- Mandy Lynn

The next contestant in our America's Most Smartest Model special is Mandy Lynn. I don't find Mandy Lynn interesting on her own, I just love watching Ben Stein rape her with his eyes. Watch as he rubs one out during her runway upon hearing her say "balls, cherries, balloons, ..." over and over again.

AMSM- Jesse

As promised, we bring you the second in our four-part series on the best contestants from America's Most Smartest Model.
Tonight we bring you Jesse; the fat model. I love how sassy this bitch is. Jesse's my favourite in the non-mocking way. You go girl!

Thursday Night Reviews

UGLY BETTY & GREY'S ANATOMY- I had to catch up with these shows because I didn't watch them last week. After 4 hours of ABC Thursday night programming in a row, I don't remember much. Maybe I have to care about the characters on these shows, which I don't. Let' just move on.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA- The only complaint I have is that we only got 1 episode of Sunny. This week: Sweet Dee's dating a Retarded Person. That storyline is good. Better: the guys try to start a band. I think we all know how that would end up. Expect clips.

ER-Snooze. I feel like ER is recycling its own medical mysteries and doctor personal life dramas. I will continue to watch this out of loyalty, I just won't be reviewing it anymore unless something exciting happens. Here's some footage of John Stamos "allegedly" drunk/high and definitely bitter and too honest on Australian TV:

LINK

DEGRASSI- Ok, so I have no idea when this season premiere actually aired (I'm guessing last Friday); but I found it on my TiVo with Thursday's shows. I've loved Degrassi since the original Degrassi High. There's something about a show where a group of 10 kids can experience every plight in the teenage pantheon that just appeals to me. On the original show there was a kid who found out he was adopted, almost got raped hitchhiking to see his birth father, both his parents were killed, had random learning disabilities, and eventually drove drunk and killed someone. I think he ended up paralyzed and in prison. Good times. The installment I watched on Thursday was the seventh season premiere. In an effort to cash in as much as possible, the makers of the show decided to divide the kids' senior year into 2 seasons, so we're starting with the first day of their winter semester. I guess they're running low on teen cautionary tales because we get another date rape storyline here. This one being different from the one a few years back because this girl was rufied and the last one was just held down and raped. We don't find out who did the raping in this episode; but I have a theory:

Wednesday Reviews

THE VIEW- I love watching The View. It makes me feel so much smarter listening to those harpies pander to America's housewives. I wouldn't normally review this show; but today was a real turning point. When Sherri Shepherd declared that she didn't know if the world was round I laughed at her; but basically gave her the benefit of the doubt. She may have been nervous then with these bitches 3 times her age were hounding her about evolution. She was probably afraid Joy would eat her. On Wednesday Sherri went from being bad under pressure to being a complete moron. They were talking about the Republican debates and Sherri chimes in, without anyone asking her to, that she couldn't tell any of the old white men apart. "Apart from the big four, I didn't know who any of them were." Listen, ho; if Barbara Walters tells your dumb ass to watch the debate and you know you're going to have to talk about it the next day, the least you can do is come up with 1 thing to say about it other than "all these white people look the same." Here's Sherri's take on a question that was answered definitely over 500 years ago:


PUSHING DAISIES- I love, love, love this show. This installment was even better than the pilot. Then again, I thought the pilot was the greatest thing I saw all summer. Then I saw it again at pilot screening week, was less impressed, and pledged my eternal allegiance to Dirty Sexy Money. I don't know if this show is only fantastic upon first viewing or if my opinion was tainted by being buzzed and needing to pee very badly the second time I saw it. I guess we'll never know. They found a way to work in Kristin Chenoweth's fantastic singing. Anna Friel gets more crushworthy every time I see her, Chi McBride is out of this world, and Lee Pace is growing on me. Pushing Daisies is now a show I will be waiting on every week. Good thing I'll be able to see it a day early.
GOSSIP GIRL- I already posted a mini-review. They need to keep the bitch-factor up here or they run the risk of me turning on them. What makes them think we want to see these characters getting along or- Godforbid- helping each other deal? You have betrayed me, Gossip Girl.
KITCHEN NIGHTMARES- Gordon Ramsay didn't make anything better. They even try to gloss over his complete failure by pretending the fact that the owner had to sell the restaurant in the end was a great thing. That he got "an offer he couldn't refuse." First of all, that line belongs in the first episode; the big Guido Sopranos ripoff pilot. Second, of course that owner couldn't refuse the offer; his restaurant was tanking and he was going broke. Oh, and I get the feeling the producers bought Ramsay an unlimited LIRR pass and told him to travel across the southern shore of Long Island finding places run by the most annoying people on the face of the planet. Why does he even bother? It's not like people on the Island have taste buds or taste, period. Who goes to Babylon or Islip for fine cuisine? Fuck, I don't even think people who live there go Babylon or Islip for a good meal. Go back to Britain and make some good TV for me to download, Gordon.
TOP CHEF- It was the reunion show show this week so nothing happened. We were treated (?) to clips and montages. Casey won the viewer's choice prize. Apparently being completely generic and boring wins tons of love. I'm going to go back a week in Top Chef and talk about how excited I am that Hung won. Often reality shows will have one contestant that's clearly much more talented than everyone else. That person will likely know that he or she is incredibly talented and may occasionally make comments or engage in behaviour that reveals to the viewer that he or she is aware of their talent. In reality land, producers will decide to only show clips of that side of the contestant. He or she will become the villain and we will root for them to lose, just like well-trained chimps. From what I've seen, the villain always makes it to the end; but never wins. The winner is always the bland but inoffensive contestant. Well, Top Chef totally broke that tradition and crowned Hung its winner! I've gotta say, Hung may have been the worst villain on reality TV because he wasn't explosively mean. He was just competitive, couldn't take criticism from anyone, and refused to help people around him. In fact, Top Chef featured numerous occasions of Hung being finished like half an hour before everyone else and just standing around mocking the other contestants as they scrambled and prayed to get their food on a plate. They would ask him to help, and he would just ignore them. Hung was also creepy-looking. Much like Marcel from Top Chef 2, I became quite attached. You've gotta love someone who clearly was raised by wolves. CONGRATULATIONS HUNG!
DIRTY SEXY MONEY- Good times, as usual. The show was back to form this week. Brian had some great scenes and Samaire Armstrong was almost never on screen without Seth Gabel. Smart move on the show's part. I can't stand her; but the family dynamics she has with him are genius. They still have to turn the outrageous up a few notches. The writers need to stop holding back and so do the actors. Expect clips in this week's All-Stars.

Tuesday Night Reviews

CAVEMEN- Remember last week when I previewed the Cavement pilot and said that the show may be better than the pilot I saw over the summer because they clearly couldn't air the original pilot? Well, I was half right. ABC scrapped the entire original pilot episode. They changed everything except the fact that these guys are cavemen and that they live in a horrible, discriminatory world. What I was wrong about was this show getting better. If anything this new version is far worse. It is now just boring and obvious instead of being willfully idiotic. For some reason, I watched episode 2. It was even worse than the pilot. Cavemen will be off the air by month's end.

BONES- Ok, seriously, why is this show so obsessed with cannibalism and kinky sex? This episode is mostly about the latter; but also features an allusion to the former. I have to say "pony play" is a fetish I was not familiar with. It doesn't sound like fun and brings up many logistical issues. Bones has lost its ability to engage viewers in the mystery. At times it's too wrapped up in its office politics. The writers grasp that the banter among the characters is what separates this show from the glut of procedurals on the air so they play it up at the expense of the procedural elements.

DANCING WITH THE STARS- Bye, bye Wayne. I'll miss your....nothing. I will miss nothing about Wayne Newton. I didn't even think he was worth making fun of. I watched the last 2 minutes of this show on Wednesday night and watched the filler earlier today. I can't say I missed anything, except the mildly inappropriate dance that accompanied Hannah Montana singing with her dad. Eastern Bloc dancers just can't turn down the sexy, even when they're dancing to a song about a father lamenting his daughter growing up. I'm not sure they were sending the right message there.

HOUSE- I'm not going to bother making fun of the obvious problems with House this season. Tonight he stuck a knife into an outlet to prove to a patient that there is no such thing as an afterlife. They've also turned this into one of those reality competition shows while pretending to do a parody of them. This whole "So You Think You Can Be America's Next Top Doctor Project" bullshit would be much more interesting if Fox hadn't already issued press releases telling us exactly who is going to stick around this season. I don't like shows that use adorable, kind animals to emotionally manipulate me, either. Increasingly, it's becoming absurd the level of bullshit they let him get away with, especially considering both his patients died tonight. SPOILER WARNING: I also don't understand what the hell happened to paralyzed guy and his pills. If Olivia Wilde just forgot to give them to him, why didn't he say something? If he wanted to die and specifically didn't take his pills he couldn't do anything to them because he doesn't have use of his body and someone would have noticed a cup with pills in it just sitting on his table. END OF SPOILER
REAPER- This show has kept up the standard from the pilot episode- a feat few other freshman programs have been able to accomplish. Bret Harrison is extremely underrated. I love him here. Tyler Labine and Ray Wise also excel as Sock and the Devil, respectively. Missy Peregrym continues to be incredibly hot but incredibly boring on screen. She's the one weak link in this very strong cast.

LAW & ORDER: SVU-Sabrina, The Teenage Witch guest-starred this week. So did Beaver from Veronica Mars. They threw everything but the kitchen sink at us this week. There was entirely too much going on by the time the episode's trial ends, and then they throw in yet another storyline, just for kicks.

I'm Addicted to Reviewing Stuff

So the State of New York is forcing Kongye to sit through a 5 hour course that should be titled "Driving Advice for Complete Fucking Idiots." What has she learned so far?
-Buckling your seat belt is safer than not buckling up.
-Teens are irresponsible little shits. Don't let them in get into cars together.
-Try not to fall asleep behind the wheel. If you want to take a nap, don't get into a car.
-Drunk driving isn't a good idea. But it is fun to watch a bunch of medical students trying to do it.
-Don't drive an actual blindford on. It looks like fun; but I was led to believe it would be a bad idea.
-Those crash test dummies that were so cool when I was a child of the 80's are actually really annoying now that I'm not entertained by random loud noises.
- The 80's were not kind to anyone. Acid wash, perms, and mom jeans- 'nuf said.
-In Sweden drunk driving gets you 1 year hard labour. Methinks I need to send Boyfriend back to his homeland. It would be fun watching him chop wood shirtless in July. On second thought, I'll just turn the thermostat way up the next time he works out and save on airfare.
-In El Salvador they execute you by firing squad for drunk driving. Someone should tell Paris and Lilo that there's a hot new club in San Salvador.